My Vac My Tribe

A leaked FBI report identifies the new wildfire of misinformation crossing the dark web and social medias concerning the effects of the different Covid 19 vaccines on the characters of the inoculated. Analysts for Homeland Security fear a new division of the citizenry that will replace race, class, religion, generation and political orientation into the camps of which vaccine an individual took.

People who took the Moderna vaccine now identify as Mods. Those who had Pfizer call themselves Pfizzies, Johnson and Johnson are Jojos while the unvaccinated go by Zombies.

And they don’t like each other.

President Biden’s Vaccination Czar, Dr. Ouchie, says that even the best handled pandemics create conflict and chaos by the time they approach containment. “We don’t expect it to be worse than the Civil War and not quite that long if everyone wears visored helmets and kills each other at a distance of at least six feet.” 

“The important thing is that we make sure all battles are fought outside for the safety of the soldiers,” said Dr. Ouchie. “And no D-Days or Picket’s Charge which are now considered militarily inefficient and known to be super spreaders.”

The federal government is trying desperately to negotiate peace between the conflicting vaccine factions as they are forming but so far none are willing to trust the Zombies. Only the Russian Sputnik V’s (Putins) are willing to talk to them.

The failure of both the Oxford/AstraZeneca (Asszoles) and China’s Sinopharm (Chi-umps) vaccines has left potentially huge power vacuums in Europe and Asia which either the virus or consolidated vactoids could exploit. 

In order to inspire some reasonable dialogue between the camps, Satire1 took to the corner of Deep Hole and Hornblower in the heart of Minnehaha County, South Dakota to extract some reactions from the locals.

Spurs

“Anytime I heard the term ‘half assed’ I always thought of some cow hand only wiping half his south end. Now I know it means one of those darn JoJos passing themselves off as vaccinated after only one shot.”

Sadlecrack 

“He wasn’t a Mod when I married him forty two years ago. Who the hell have I been sleeping with?”

Real Old Timer

“This Pfizzie so claimed grandson I can’t recall says he’s good with Pfizer Bio Heck? When I was in school Pfizer worked for the Kaiser.”

Bison Butt

“Anybody who has seen as much as a Star Trek episode knows vaccines make you sterile. That’s why I only subscribe to Zombie dating sites like Don’t Stick Me.”

Dolly

I doubt anybody saw this coming. It’s breaking up marriages- even the four that work. Even Biden and Harris aren’t talking.”

Pappy

“I hope they open up the saloons and whore houses before they open the churches. I have nothing against praying and singing but goddamn.”

Don Arrup

Satire1