Wisconsin Invades

“We don’t build cars so what the hell are they doing making cheese?”

Wisconsin’s Governor added to why he ordered his State Police to arrest Michigan state officials he says were “illegally” serving the disputed territory. The Upper Peninsula was granted to Michigan in 1837 as part of a deal to end a border conflict between the Michigan territory and the state of Ohio known as The Toledo Strip War. The U.P. as it is known is only attached by land to Wisconsin who has long coveted the once mineral rich and now hot tourist attraction otherwise surrounded by the Great Lakes.  

“This is not a political, territorial or economic war. It is the end of a continuous, cowardly, cultural capitulation. I mean, how often do you hear people talk about the Wisconsin Sound? The Milwaukee Beat or sing the Badgers fight song?”

“It doesn’t matter that Detroit is a mess on the magnitude of Baltimore and Cleveland. Detroit means the mighty automotive industry. Detroit means Motown. Milwaukee just means old breweries and older sitcoms.”

The Wisconsin National Guard blocked all roads entering the disputed Upper Peninsula early Tuesday morning just before rush hour. Only trucks containing medical supplies and marital aids were allowed through.

“Only Wisconsin will stand up to these Wolverines who are the source not only of all the nations ills but those of the totality of humanity as well, Governor Tony Nevers said. “Global Warming? Detroit makes nothing but SUVs and muscle cars. Racial Strife? Their Motown Sound and style back in the Civil Rights era made black so cool it kept negroes from becoming true Americans. Road Rage? Again I point to the tanks and hot rods they sell as family cars.”

“They coddle Canadians, naturalized Arabs, promote water sports and stole the Big Ten gridiron championship.”

President Biden has been careful to stay clear of the civil war since he will probably need to win both states in 2024 should the earth and nation still be around for that election. Meanwhile, in Congress, the two states delegations are bitch slapping and noogie knuckling in both chambers with a violence not seen there since Antebellum.   

Neither state has bothered the Supreme Court for petitions or rulings. Both liberal and conservative news media has left the invasion unreported along with the nonexistent unbiased press. Even former president Donald Trump has declined to opine on the matter.

Michigan’s governor Retched Whitless responded to criticism of her inaction by pointing out that the Great Lakes State never built its own navy and that U.P. was as isolated from civilization as West Berlin was during the Cold War.

“The Wisconvicts have chosen to exploit our Uppies isolation for economic and political gain,” said Gov Whitless. “Illinois has offered us dinghies to supplement the truck tire tube marines force I’ve authorized. Of course, I haven’t bothered President Biden for arms or ammunition. Between our rural counties and the Detroit Metro area we have more fire power than three quarters of the world’s nations combined.”

“We’ll teach those cheese heads what happens when you Putin with us.”

Don Arrup

Satire1