Hawaii Declares War on North Korea

After surviving the nuclear missile attack on our 50th state Saturday Governor David Ige called an emergency session of the legislature and demanded a declaration of war on Kim Jong-un’s regime. Commandeering the United States Navy’s Seventh Fleet at Honolulu, Ige sent off a tweet to President Trump apologizing for borrowing the flotilla on such short notice and localizing the force without permission.

President Trump tweeted back that he fully supports Hawaii’s actions and will petition Congress to legalize any action the Aloha State takes to protect itself from annihilation and to extend the option of war to every state on the west coast within Rocket Man’s reach.

Rear Admiral End released a statement to his sailors and the press stating that they weren’t doing much anyway other than tracking typhoons and not catching pirates. “This fleet needs a war to get some of the rust off our buckets.”

Former Secretary of State Hilary Clinton pointed out that since the missiles never actually materialized we may never know where they didn’t come from while former Vice President Joe Biden said that Hawaii was former President Obama’s home state and that fake war news should be met by real consequences. “Somebody is trying to bomb Obama!”

House Speaker Paul Ryan called a last minute press conference on the steps of IHOP on Michigan Avenue. “Though the attack apparently was not on the continental United States but on the Japanese colony that we pretend to be a part of our country there are iron clad obligations that we have made to protect our NATO partners. I consider it my highest priority to protect our citizens, our allies and our interests from whatever imaginary threat that comes out of nowhere.”

Speaker Ryan continued, “I could care less if a foreign power messes with our elections which are a mess anyway but to strike at us when our democracy is at its most vulnerable- at the beginning of our divisional NFL playoffs- is a provocation of war.” 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Wild Fire

Mother Nature isn’t through with us yet

What does the wind do?

Me too

Fed peep complete

Bob Mueller good feller

Trump is Elvis incognito

Wild fire

More out of control on Wall Street

Than California’s wine country

Wild fire

Women in more industries

Had it with being treated like women

Wild fire

Clearing parks, stadiums, campuses

Of ghosts, generals and judges 

Wild fire

People once treated like shadows

March into the light

Wild fire

Consumes ideas that lived as zombies

And fed on our freedom

Wild fire

Burn with me

Happy New Year from 

Don Arrup

Satire1

Happy Merry Happy

With President Donald Trump declaring the traditional Christian holiday greeting of Merry Christmas legal again Satire1 set out in the streets of downtown Soddy-Daisy, Tennessee to interview anonymous shoppers, workers, streetwalkers and flaneurs on their thoughts on the controversy.

Guy with a big dog

“No guy should have a birthday party and a lot of women too because the birther and not the born should be celebrated. I mean, the mothers do all the work. Labor. Your birthday was Labor Day for your mother and you don’t even give her a balloon.”

Girl with hogtails

“We don’t believe in religion. Only the Bible. And my daddy told us that you shouldn’t say Merry Christmas to anybody except on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Anybody says it to you earlier or later than that is just trying to stick his hand in your pocket.”

Man wearing a hat

“I was raised in a strict Orthodox home and Jews don’t worship other Jews. But I did hear about the animals talking on the eve of his birthday. It’s incredibly weird but I can imagine myself liking it.”

Man with no hat

“We always partied in the barn when I was growing up and I never heard any of the animals talk but I did hear that a girl could put out on Christmas Eve and still be a virgin after the holidays if she didn’t get knocked up.”

Not Isadora Ducan

“The Man with no hat that you were just interviewing is correct. I was immaculate three times in high school and it can lock down a good boyfriend.”

Beard

“Chanukah is the festival of the lights and if the Christians want to put up lights everywhere for a Jew who had his own ideas I’m not offended. Hanukkah is eight days and Christmas is one or twelve depending on the song. Jews go by the lunar calendar because we are looney. Christians by the solar calendar because they get all worked up about the Son or Sun. I don’t know.”

White Guy with glasses

“Chanukah and Hanukkah are the two Jewish Christmas holidays and Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are Christian Christmas holidays and then Kwanzaa begins which has a kinara with seven candles not a menorah which has nine. Christians have a tree and it depends how big and flammable it is.”  

Woman looking like lipstick

“Thank god, I am so sick and disgusted with these diluted civilities. Every time you say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas you’re just crucifying him all over again.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

The Weinstein Defense

My first woman was my mother. I was inside her. That was our early relationship. But I got too big and she pushed me out. Then the nightmare began. Being born was still an affront to the medical profession which slapped me on arrival. On the buttocks. I was spanked for being born. Held up naked for anyone who chose to view. Handed around like a B girl at a below decks sailor orgy. 

I was naked. Not just with no clothes on. Pre clothes to be exact. Born naked. Kept naked. Swaddled. A fat man’s handkerchief and two bobby pins. It would be years of inexpressible exposure, manipulation, violation and penetration before I would experience the dignity of pants. 

And I am not alone. 

I didn’t ask for the nipple. I was crying for shame. Not hunger. Not sex. I was smaller then. The boob was to me bigger than a house. And the Cyclops eye of the breast swelled faster not toward me as much as inside me. Now we’re even. I was inside you and now you are inside me. The only orifice that mattered then. I didn’t even use it to breath with when I was inside mom. 

I don’t know how nurses can sleep at night. They treat you like you’re just part of the crib. Roll you over- out of the way- to keep the crib straight. On other floors they were pushing around big people they wouldn’t give their clothes back to. And they’ve got needles. Big as the doctors. So what’s the circus about the clitoris?

Women today are complaining because I grabbed and kissed them? I’m only twice their size. I had aunts and neighbor women ten times my size picking me up by the ass and brining in lips as big as hams and wet as oceans. Sogging, slobbering, fussing, mussing lipskicked red hams waxing my cheeks- half my face- with petroleum based red dye number die mouth markers god damn.

Women are rapists. Mothers are rejectionists. Expellers, like the Pharaoh in Egypt. And the Red Sea closed her legs on him. But not them. They call their rape affection. They call their rape nurturing and caring and sharing and loving and then shove a box of cheap shit chain pharmacy chocolates up your ass because your mouth is taken. Conquered. By the Nipple Bitch. Nipple Bitch Rapist. Here, open your mouth. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

I Guess Puerto Rico Didn't Know It Was On The Apprentice

President Donald Trump called an emergency meeting of the White House National Security Team and the Cabinet members to discuss the possibility that the relentless bombardment of business as usual could continue into next week and leave the government no choice but to clean up the countless disasters nature, Washington and Wall Street have rendered. 

Satire1 interviewed countless White House staffers and relatives (same thing) on the prospects of actually running the country.

Great Aunt

We were just getting good at The New Apprentice, Natural and National Disasters Edition when suddenly the wind stops blowing, the terrorists run out of ammo and there aren’t any new floods to draw attention away from the last headline. This is going to hurt our ratings.

Poor Relation

I don’t know. I belong to some agency around here and they’re talking about going to Puerto Rico which they say is so flooded the people there don’t have water.

Dutch Uncle

They can send me anywhere in the world where they have their own NFL team. Well, not Arizona. I told everybody near the border the wall would be up before Christmas.

Kissing Cousin

The mayor of San Juan kept addressing the President like he was her husband. I’ve never seen that work on a husband and I doubt it works on presidents.

Half Brother of a Half Brother

After Texas flooded I had calls from every Lt Governor in the the fifty states and protectorates and I said the exact same thing to everyone of them. FEMA has got more than enough funds for half a disaster. Don’t have a second half to your disaster and god help you if you aren’t the first one. 

Don Arrup

Satire1

No Thanks Giving 17 & Black Fridays Matter

Twitter doubling Tweet text characters? Now!

Nuclear Winter Olympics in North Korea

“Mother Country” England wants to know if she can move in with US

Puerto Rican Vacation

NObamacare 

You have the right to remain silent and you can buy others silence with no disclosure

Too big to fail got bigger

Too rich to tax got richer

Too poor to thrive got addicted

We had less income inequality under a king

My favorite interviewer, comedian, actor and journalist- does that make me a scumbag?

Ask women out. Don’t just whip it out.

Uber

Black Friday so American families can be as broke as their government

The big jet and house are not enough. The president wants gratitude.

The Supreme Court ruled no one can go to a public toilet because we are all transgender

Happy Bird and Black Day

Don Arrup

Satire1

No No November 17

The latest sweep in the Middle East was made by the hot Saudi Crown Prince Mo B. Salman who has imprisoned billionaires and eleven of his fellow princes in a grand hotel most of us would kill to get in. Cleaning up the corruption in Saudi Arabia is like trying to get the violence out of Mixed Martial Arts.

As our second most important ally in the region, there is a slim chance that the women of the country might be treated as adults and their education system both internal and exported might stop calling for the total destruction of the United States and Israel.

President Trump praised recent developments in the kingdom. His son in law had been popping in and out of that sandbox like a four year old with a nervous bladder. No member of the fifteen thousand strong royal family is allowed to leave the country as the Crown Prince and King Pop consolidate power that used to be distributed a little more equitably among two thousand princes.

With a neighborhood Vietnam called Yemen and the economic nut squeezing of Qatar, Sunni’s big daddies can’t see past Shi’ite Iran’s shit tight progress in all things diplomatic and nuclear. Though Trump blows bluster he is throned on the other global broken toilet trying to order Chinese to takeout his Kimchi-Un bellyache.

Funny how Saudi Arabia and North Korea are looking more alike. Protectors of the Muslim holy land and Hadj keep succession a family matter just like in so called Communist People’s K. I didn’t know Putin was Lenin’s great grandson or is he Stalin’s? Xi Jing Ping Pong definitely looks like his dad Mao and Castro’s bro is the Cuban to go.

Which brings us to the Lord’s message to the NRA and churchgoers everywhere. If you are massacred by a Christian it is a case of mental illness. If a Muslim slaughters you it is Islamic Radicalism. Guns don’t kill people. Religion does. Thank god and praise Allah for clearing that up.

Don Arrup

Satire1

2017 All Boo Lineup on Fox and MSNBC

Fox News Schedule

12am  Roe vs DeSade

4am    From Russia With Funds

7am    I Wake Up Tweeting

11am  Capitol Hill Has Eyes

1pm    The Legend of Hell House of Reps

4pm    Harvey Weinstein Audition

7pm    The Prosecutor Who Couldn’t Be Fired

9pm    Repeal and Replace

MSNBC Schedule 

12am   The White House on the Right

3am     Shadow of the Deregulator

6am     Mad Science Denier

9am     Global Barbecue

12am   Tweets from the Crypt

3pm     Election Day

6pm     A Date with Cosby

8pm     Party of the Undead Leadership and Ghosts of Candidates Past

Don Arrup

Satire1

Who's Blowing Storms and Scandals

Trump blames every problem on Mexico and the Democrats try to prove that Russia is the root of all evils but Satire1 has unearthed evidence that both are correct. Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby are both double agents working for Mexico and Russia simultaneously to disrupt elections, debase American entertainment, set back the cause of women and flood or burn as many American homes as possible.

Meteorologists for the FBI have confirmed that Hurricane Harvey was indeed Hurricane Harvey Weinstein performing his bathrobe and mash act on a coastal scale in Texas and then harassing Irma out of her harmless Atlantic spin to race for her dignity up and down both coasts of Florida.

“Maria had no plans for a Caribbean vacation but had to sweep south and west when the terrible open bathrobe came after her,” according to the FBI report. Many Puerto Ricans suspected that the great white Hollywood whale might be to blame for their set back to the 18th Century.

“All these supposed natural disasters might have only been a distraction to get Cosby off the front pages so he could prepare central California for his barbecue that was to leave only Hollywood and Silicon Valley intact,” Special Agent Walrus explained.

The entire operation was coordinated out of a Domino’s Pizza shop in Baltimore, Maryland’s famous French Quarter. Years of meticulous planning from the silencing of leading actresses who usually become the spokeswomen for victims of natural disasters to fueling debates over global warming and the redefining of collegiate rape led to the nation letting down its guard and pants to the duo diablos. 

“Harvey Weinstein was always a hurricane. Whirlwind producer/seducer of films of every genre, crossing the oceans and continents for victims and talent and always in a hurry hurry hurry. Bill Cosby played it cooler. Upset that his outlandish explanations didn’t cause earthquakes along the San Andreas fault he switched tactics to burn the women of central California who he claimed were infected with yeast.” 

President Trump lamented that he has been friends with Weinstein since they attended Putin’s Secret Billionaire Indoctrination Camp together in 2004 while Hilary Clinton said that Mexico only had the best of intentions in destroying the economy of the southern half of the United States.

Don Arrup

Satire1