John McCain; Naval Academy; 5’10” 172 lbs.
OLB (Old Lying Bastard)
This durable maverick backer, the first real prospect out of Annapolis since Peanut Carter over three decades ago, really holds his ground and has the experience and instinct for defense but is weak on the economic side of the ball. Has no problem sticking his head into the storm and has recently showed uncharacteristic patience in letting the play come to him and then fully exploiting his opponent’s weakness. Having fulfilled his military and legislative obligations, McCain is already past a number of his playing years and will have to make an immediate impact in the world scene.
Pros
Defense, Immigration, Independence, Own party hates him
Cons
Economy, Immigration, Iraq, Press loves him
Hillary Clinton; Wellesley; 5’4” 126 lbs.
SS (Savage Shrew)
This tough campaigner never gives up on a play and is able to adapt quickly and disguise intentions. A punishing hitter who thinks fast on her feet is great in one on one match ups but draws flags for unsportswomanlike conduct. Married to former All American Bubba Bill.
Pros
Health care, Trade, Knows whole playbook inside out, Plays big in big states
Cons
Waffles when caught in middle, Husband, Not a team player, One third of the country hates her, First and only American ever to embellish a story about a trip overseas.
Barack Obama; Columbia; 6’1” 185 lbs.
TE (Total Elitist)
Relative unknown has made a sensation despite never having scored a bill. Graceful moves and deceptively nimble, he makes big plays in the open field but suffers under press coverage. Admired for the tough blue collar ethic the Ivy League is known for. A class act most of the time but can be haughty if he has to be.
Pros
Inspiring. Good looking. Eloquent in a tight spot, Open to new ideas. Half African American
Cons
Can’t bowl, Wife, Pastor, Has no new ideas, Half African American
Don Arrup
Satire1
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Hard Water
Due to the far reaching effects of the current water crisis, Satire1 set up a panel of experts and average water users to discuss its origins and ramifications.
Expert A: Water had been enjoying its longest boom since the Stone Age. Never has it been as popular or fashionable as it is now. As people began to identify more with their water it graduated into a near necessity so naturally people wanted to own their own well. This did not go unnoticed by the banks and lending institutions that got together with Wall Street and invented ways to monetize the drilling of America.
Expert B: Now it’s important to understand that everybody drilled everybody else in this process. The real problem is that even those of us who weren’t seduced by this frenzy are getting drilled now.
Expert A: Overzealous lenders and drillers may have ignored their fiduciary obligations and persuaded landowners to drill in unproductive areas promising a waterfall on their investments. There are a lot of dry holes out there and many that do no more than bleed off once productive wells.
Expert C: The over drilling has led to mineralization of the entire nation’s water supply. Rivers, creeks, springs, wells and reservoirs have all hardened. We are now living in hard water times.
Expert B: And the water is only going to get harder.
Citizen 1: Isn’t there something the Federal Government can do to soften the water? It’s just been hell on my hair.
Expert A: President Bush has said that he believes the water could begin to soften as early as next year and that this would be a short mineralization. While he is more optimistic than most his administration has taken steps to contain the crisis. Rushing the Army Corps of Engineers in to save Poland Springs might have averted a catastrophic disruption to the nation’s water table.
Citizen 2: And people throughout the country whose wells taste like the Dead Sea won’t get any help except a for few hand holding programs from Congress.
Citizen 3: Arnold Schwarzenegger couldn’t get a comb through Hillary or Obama’s head. I think McCain’s wife combs his hair.
Citizen 2: It’s the same old story. The rich drink bottled water while the poor have to survive on tap.
Expert C: Water supplies across the globe have been affected. The pain really is widespread. We are living in a global village where if it rains in New York someone in China gets wet.
Citizen 3: I first noticed it in my underwear. I can’t tell you what hell this hard water can make of your laundry.
Expert B: You have to understand everybody got thirsty. It wasn’t just the big guys or the middle guys or the small fries. There was so much water flowing you’d think people would get bloated just looking at it but it made them thirstier. And the more water they saw the thirstier they got.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Expert A: Water had been enjoying its longest boom since the Stone Age. Never has it been as popular or fashionable as it is now. As people began to identify more with their water it graduated into a near necessity so naturally people wanted to own their own well. This did not go unnoticed by the banks and lending institutions that got together with Wall Street and invented ways to monetize the drilling of America.
Expert B: Now it’s important to understand that everybody drilled everybody else in this process. The real problem is that even those of us who weren’t seduced by this frenzy are getting drilled now.
Expert A: Overzealous lenders and drillers may have ignored their fiduciary obligations and persuaded landowners to drill in unproductive areas promising a waterfall on their investments. There are a lot of dry holes out there and many that do no more than bleed off once productive wells.
Expert C: The over drilling has led to mineralization of the entire nation’s water supply. Rivers, creeks, springs, wells and reservoirs have all hardened. We are now living in hard water times.
Expert B: And the water is only going to get harder.
Citizen 1: Isn’t there something the Federal Government can do to soften the water? It’s just been hell on my hair.
Expert A: President Bush has said that he believes the water could begin to soften as early as next year and that this would be a short mineralization. While he is more optimistic than most his administration has taken steps to contain the crisis. Rushing the Army Corps of Engineers in to save Poland Springs might have averted a catastrophic disruption to the nation’s water table.
Citizen 2: And people throughout the country whose wells taste like the Dead Sea won’t get any help except a for few hand holding programs from Congress.
Citizen 3: Arnold Schwarzenegger couldn’t get a comb through Hillary or Obama’s head. I think McCain’s wife combs his hair.
Citizen 2: It’s the same old story. The rich drink bottled water while the poor have to survive on tap.
Expert C: Water supplies across the globe have been affected. The pain really is widespread. We are living in a global village where if it rains in New York someone in China gets wet.
Citizen 3: I first noticed it in my underwear. I can’t tell you what hell this hard water can make of your laundry.
Expert B: You have to understand everybody got thirsty. It wasn’t just the big guys or the middle guys or the small fries. There was so much water flowing you’d think people would get bloated just looking at it but it made them thirstier. And the more water they saw the thirstier they got.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Monday, April 14, 2008
Bitter Pill
In San Francisco Democratic Presidential nominee Senator Barack Obama said that many working class voters were angry and bitter over economic conditions and have squandered their votes on religious, gun and immigration issues. The Clinton and McCain camps and small town citizens were quick to respond.
“He’s accusing working class and small town Americans of having feelings.” Said Bishop Mobely of the Clinton Camp. “Just because they didn’t go to Harvard doesn’t mean they’re children. It was a very condescending and elitist remark. These hard working Americans hate immigrants, love guns and use God to isolate themselves and condemn others because that’s the American way.”
“Sure things are tough right now for us here in the sticks,” said Clayton Heeb of Bentwig, Pennsylvania. “Our jobs moved overseas, our homes were foreclosed on and illegal immigrants took what few service jobs and affordable shacks were left but we don’t let it get us down or angry. We just buy more ammo.”
“This guy Obama is out of touch,” said John Deersly, an independent. “There will always be problems to solve and sacrifices to be made but its not like we don’t have a wife to beat.”
“I believe in Jesus in good times and bad,” said Betty Jo Bob Jean of Somewhere, Kansas. “This Iraq Obomber fellow dressed too funny when he was a child to understand how we feel. I think he’s one of those intellectuals, the same people who got Jesus in trouble and were nowhere to be found when he got crucified. How Jesus got mixed up with Jews is a great mystery but I think he did it to warn us against education.”
“I’ve seen nothing but smiling faces at our rallies all over this country,” said Ellen Nest of the McCain camp. “John tells them all about our progress in Iraq where we are disarming the populace; breaking up militias and criminal gangs; rebuilding the infrastructure; securing the borders; ending paralyzing partisanship; creating good jobs and how someday we will have the chance to do the same here in America.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“He’s accusing working class and small town Americans of having feelings.” Said Bishop Mobely of the Clinton Camp. “Just because they didn’t go to Harvard doesn’t mean they’re children. It was a very condescending and elitist remark. These hard working Americans hate immigrants, love guns and use God to isolate themselves and condemn others because that’s the American way.”
“Sure things are tough right now for us here in the sticks,” said Clayton Heeb of Bentwig, Pennsylvania. “Our jobs moved overseas, our homes were foreclosed on and illegal immigrants took what few service jobs and affordable shacks were left but we don’t let it get us down or angry. We just buy more ammo.”
“This guy Obama is out of touch,” said John Deersly, an independent. “There will always be problems to solve and sacrifices to be made but its not like we don’t have a wife to beat.”
“I believe in Jesus in good times and bad,” said Betty Jo Bob Jean of Somewhere, Kansas. “This Iraq Obomber fellow dressed too funny when he was a child to understand how we feel. I think he’s one of those intellectuals, the same people who got Jesus in trouble and were nowhere to be found when he got crucified. How Jesus got mixed up with Jews is a great mystery but I think he did it to warn us against education.”
“I’ve seen nothing but smiling faces at our rallies all over this country,” said Ellen Nest of the McCain camp. “John tells them all about our progress in Iraq where we are disarming the populace; breaking up militias and criminal gangs; rebuilding the infrastructure; securing the borders; ending paralyzing partisanship; creating good jobs and how someday we will have the chance to do the same here in America.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
April Fool
Dear Fools,
April Fool believes that...
fossil juice is expensive now.
we're going to have a clean election about positions and ideas.
pigment has nothing to do with it.
genitals have nothing to do with it.
age has nothing to do with it (got us all there eventually).
the dark can not shine, the soft can't be strong nor the old be new.
the Feds will save Wall Street.
somebody will save the poor suckers at the other end.
we will get out of Iraq soon.
their job can't go overseas.
their pension is secure.
social security will still be there.
their car, washer machine and toothbrush are not part of a diabolical master plan perpetrated by haters of the Earth to end all life soon after their deaths when all the resources have been raped of Nature and even clowns aren't funny anymore and all shoes hurt.
someone will read this blog.
Don Arrup
Satire1
April Fool believes that...
fossil juice is expensive now.
we're going to have a clean election about positions and ideas.
pigment has nothing to do with it.
genitals have nothing to do with it.
age has nothing to do with it (got us all there eventually).
the dark can not shine, the soft can't be strong nor the old be new.
the Feds will save Wall Street.
somebody will save the poor suckers at the other end.
we will get out of Iraq soon.
their job can't go overseas.
their pension is secure.
social security will still be there.
their car, washer machine and toothbrush are not part of a diabolical master plan perpetrated by haters of the Earth to end all life soon after their deaths when all the resources have been raped of Nature and even clowns aren't funny anymore and all shoes hurt.
someone will read this blog.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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