There is no reason why Americans have to endure vegetarian courses just because their grandparents were not as affluent as we are today. Desert should be meat. The English who are envied across the world for their lively cuisine eat meat pies: Shepard’s pie, pork pie, steak and kidney pie, whatever you can find dead in the woods pie. Forget ice cream. Meat cream. Jell-O? Hello. Jiggly consume. Hot blood sundaes. Kids want something cold? Jam a stick into a frozen hamburger patty and viola a meatsicle. Coconut shrimp is desert. I don’t care how low cut her neckline is. Barbecue anything and its desert. That sauce is 80% sugar and 100% corn syrup along with some stuff you really don’t need. Sounds like desert to me. Don’t eat the apple eat the worm. He’s the winner. Just boil him in maple syrup and whatever fat that isn't attached to you. There’s more lard in a doughnut than a suckling pig so that’s covered. Cops know how to eat. If we can put meat on the Moon we can break the stranglehold that fruit and a couple of foreign beans have on our most precious confections.
“Cherries jubilee and Bananas Foster are po’ folk fare,” explains Horst Schwinehund, pastry chef of The Fountain of Meat in Chicago. “No dessert should be served that isn’t built around pork.” Horst went on to describe a drive he took with his family through the Illinois countryside.
“Mile after mile we drove past animals just hanging out on fields or in pens. It’s a scandal. How do you explain that to your children when you’re sending them to bed with only ice cream and cake in their bellies after they’ve slaved over Nintendo for hours? Those anibums should be covered in chocolate and sitting on multicolored paper plates.”
“We certainly have enough meat available to us in this country,” said Wilbert Boetog, Professor Emeritus of Butchery at the University of Meat in St. Louis, “there is no reason why our children should be exposed to vegetables until they are at least old enough to vote.”
“Just look what’s happening in Tibet right now,” he added, “those vegetarian Buddhists are getting their heads crushed in thinking they can kick out the carnivores. Never happen. They’re going to get eaten up.”
“Zoos are the worst offenders. City zoos should be a lunch counter in the park where you can get a zebra sandwich or monkey dog,” says Felicia Grott of the Meat and Drug Administration, “The happy animals in children’s books and cartoons are sending out the wrong message to our young: that animals are our friends and we should be like them and hang out all day bothering each other and acting like we’re on ecstasy. This in no way prepares children for the man eat dog world they’re going to have to compete in.”
“I think we’ve been missing out on a whole host of desert animals that are around us everyday. We could breed gerbils and guinea pigs just as fast as kids could eat them. Isn’t that better than wasting their little lives running on wheel cages all day? Just look at their eyes. They’re saying please eat me now I’m bored to death and I hate kids.”
“It’s different with dogs and cats. We get to neuter them and a lot of them have jobs. But I don’t see why we need starlings and bluebirds flapping around when we have ipods. It’ll take months of advertising on the kid’s channels but they’ll be screaming for Honey Beaks if we just do the right thing.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
