Fannie and Freddie will be fine. Bill Gates is still rich. There is plenty of new home construction in Manhattan and New Orleans. Somebody somewhere can still pay her mortgage. Iraq isn’t that expensive and Afghanistan is practically a bargain.
The dollar has shrunk so much there isn’t room for the big heads anymore. Mexican families are sending money north to help immigrants here for a change. Wall Street is going south for vacation. Martians are buying General Motors. Gas costs more than imported champagne.
What do you mean I have to buy a new TV after Christmas? What, are you trying to kill me? I don’t mind the layoff, the foreclosure and the repop on my car but you’re making my TV obsolete? How am I going to know how poor I am if I can’t see it on TV?
Wall Street asks Washington for help. Bush signs new government regulations. Al Qaeda complains about its credit score. So what if you can’t afford food, the energy to cook it costs too much anyhow. Think of the money you’ll save on your gas and electric. We’re all supposed to be skinny anyway, right? Hey, maybe soon we won’t be able to afford global warming. But China and India will probably pick up the slack. About time they did their share.
I feel sick but I know its nothing because I can’t afford health insurance. I’d go to the emergency room but the economy’s in there right now and all the King’s horsemen and all the King’s men are examining the pieces of eggshell that was once this country and are trying to figure out if it’s a recession or a depression or a forgotten episode of the Twilight Zone.
My wife says our money worries have made me impotent but I told her don’t worry my organ is too big to fail. Let one of these talking heads addressing the Congressional committees pump new life into my manhood and give her neck and wrists a rest- maybe Fed Chairman Bernanke with the baldpate and hair around the mouth since his head kind of looks like my wife’s lap. He’ll do. Even if he can’t save the nation he might save my weekend. Then we can decide on Monday whether it’s a recession or not.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
White House Faces Foreclosure
The Ministers of Finance of The People’s Republic of China and Government of Japan announced that with the Federal Government of the United States of America owing over nine and half trillion dollars and our debt ballooning close to an additional two billion a day it is time to foreclose on the delinquent account and seize all Federal buildings and Military bases both in this country and across the globe.
Pong Ping, China’s Finance Minister said that they expect to unload the overseas bases of the U.S. Navy, Army and Air Force in a matter of weeks to the host countries provided the weapon systems and Coke machines are included in the deals. “Saudi Arabia has already made us an offer on two of the bases on their soil,” said Ping, “And Iraq has already given us a check.” Ping noted that under the agreement Japan would recoup most of its paper with the huge bases in Okinawa, South Korea and Hawaii (which is practically Japan anyway). China has already begun dismantling the Washington Monument for shipping to Beijing and hopes to have it erect in time for the Olympic games. “We could open the Games with the Liberty Bell,” said Ping, “but I’m not sure what we’ll do with the Star Spangled Banner.”
While attempting to contact the White House for comment we were met with a recording from the phone company explaining that the account was terminated for failure to pay their bills.
“I never planned to live in the White House,” said Barrack Obama. “There is nothing in the Constitution that says the Executive of the United States has to live in a White House. The original Executive Mansion was burned down by the British in the War of 1812 and when they built a new house First Lady Dolly Madison liked white. When I get in office my First Lady is choosing the color. America always wins the Super Bowl. I really don’t see why this Olympics should be any different.”
“Do I think America is going to win the Super Bowl? Of course I do. Do I think America will win the World Series? I don’t know about that. I don’t know if the World Series could be won by America if it really was the Series of the World. Japan has a good league, China, Cuba; I don’t think we could beat Cuba in a fair contest. And I’ve been to Miami, Cuba many times. Best cigars and brothels in the world. I’ll win the black vote because I’m one of them. I’ve been in prison. I’m blood,”
“I’m a Chicago guy,” said Obama, “A Harvard man. For those of you outside the Boston metropolitan area it’s pronounced Hard On or Hard Up. Harvard along with the other top endowed universities could buy the debt of this country and own it outright like we did before the Twentieth century destroyed the meritocracy. I hope my wife paints the Man’s House crimson like our Alma Mater. Then the people could call it the Blood House.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Pong Ping, China’s Finance Minister said that they expect to unload the overseas bases of the U.S. Navy, Army and Air Force in a matter of weeks to the host countries provided the weapon systems and Coke machines are included in the deals. “Saudi Arabia has already made us an offer on two of the bases on their soil,” said Ping, “And Iraq has already given us a check.” Ping noted that under the agreement Japan would recoup most of its paper with the huge bases in Okinawa, South Korea and Hawaii (which is practically Japan anyway). China has already begun dismantling the Washington Monument for shipping to Beijing and hopes to have it erect in time for the Olympic games. “We could open the Games with the Liberty Bell,” said Ping, “but I’m not sure what we’ll do with the Star Spangled Banner.”
While attempting to contact the White House for comment we were met with a recording from the phone company explaining that the account was terminated for failure to pay their bills.
“I never planned to live in the White House,” said Barrack Obama. “There is nothing in the Constitution that says the Executive of the United States has to live in a White House. The original Executive Mansion was burned down by the British in the War of 1812 and when they built a new house First Lady Dolly Madison liked white. When I get in office my First Lady is choosing the color. America always wins the Super Bowl. I really don’t see why this Olympics should be any different.”
“Do I think America is going to win the Super Bowl? Of course I do. Do I think America will win the World Series? I don’t know about that. I don’t know if the World Series could be won by America if it really was the Series of the World. Japan has a good league, China, Cuba; I don’t think we could beat Cuba in a fair contest. And I’ve been to Miami, Cuba many times. Best cigars and brothels in the world. I’ll win the black vote because I’m one of them. I’ve been in prison. I’m blood,”
“I’m a Chicago guy,” said Obama, “A Harvard man. For those of you outside the Boston metropolitan area it’s pronounced Hard On or Hard Up. Harvard along with the other top endowed universities could buy the debt of this country and own it outright like we did before the Twentieth century destroyed the meritocracy. I hope my wife paints the Man’s House crimson like our Alma Mater. Then the people could call it the Blood House.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Olympic Committee Running out of Oppressive Regimes for Future Games
Insiders of the Olympic Committee’s governing board have expressed concern that they are having trouble locating oppressive tyrannies to host the next Olympic games.
“There are fewer and fewer truly oppressive governments that can afford to host the Olympic Games due to either the lack of population through genocide or on going civil war,” the insider told Satire1. “Without worldwide demonstrations and heads being crushed right outside the games on television nightly we fear the next Olympics just won’t get any coverage.”
Insider went on to explain that the increasing frivolity of the games with its backyard and bikini sports requires the gravity of inhuman political oppression to justify its attention. “Half of the games just look like your vacation at Club Med with fewer boob jobs,” he continued. “Its just a bunch of guys showing off and women trying to get attention. People won’t know if they’re watching the Olympics or Spring Break Vacation. We need to put it in a brutal political context for it to be taken seriously. “
The gold standard of Olympic games was set in Berlin under Adolph Hitler who knew how to put on a show. The passing of the torch that brought so many delightful and entertaining protests worldwide began then. “The Greeks always did their games at Delphi so they didn’t have that pr tool. But what use is it if the games are in Sweden? Then it’s just a handful of bored people waiting for some shorts to pass by with a torch in her hands. “
Even critics and human rights advocates admit that you can’t beat China for the location of the current games. “They’ve slaughtered their own students, subjugate their neighbors on a massive scale and threaten everyone in their hemisphere in a country where you can’t even breath the air or drink the water,” said a spokesperson for Olympics for Humanity. “After North Korea I’m afraid that we’re going to be stuck with a poor African country like Sudan which I don’t think can afford the Olympics.”
Don Arrup
Sature1
“There are fewer and fewer truly oppressive governments that can afford to host the Olympic Games due to either the lack of population through genocide or on going civil war,” the insider told Satire1. “Without worldwide demonstrations and heads being crushed right outside the games on television nightly we fear the next Olympics just won’t get any coverage.”
Insider went on to explain that the increasing frivolity of the games with its backyard and bikini sports requires the gravity of inhuman political oppression to justify its attention. “Half of the games just look like your vacation at Club Med with fewer boob jobs,” he continued. “Its just a bunch of guys showing off and women trying to get attention. People won’t know if they’re watching the Olympics or Spring Break Vacation. We need to put it in a brutal political context for it to be taken seriously. “
The gold standard of Olympic games was set in Berlin under Adolph Hitler who knew how to put on a show. The passing of the torch that brought so many delightful and entertaining protests worldwide began then. “The Greeks always did their games at Delphi so they didn’t have that pr tool. But what use is it if the games are in Sweden? Then it’s just a handful of bored people waiting for some shorts to pass by with a torch in her hands. “
Even critics and human rights advocates admit that you can’t beat China for the location of the current games. “They’ve slaughtered their own students, subjugate their neighbors on a massive scale and threaten everyone in their hemisphere in a country where you can’t even breath the air or drink the water,” said a spokesperson for Olympics for Humanity. “After North Korea I’m afraid that we’re going to be stuck with a poor African country like Sudan which I don’t think can afford the Olympics.”
Don Arrup
Sature1
Thursday, July 3, 2008
McCain Accused of Sitting Out War in Hotel in Hanoi
Recent remarks made by retired general and former commander of NATO Wesley Clark expressing doubt that Senator John McCain’s military experience in any way prepared him to be president has stirred unexpected controversy:
“I’ve read in a number of sources over the years that John McCain stayed in the Hanoi Hilton for over five years while other members of his squadron had to fly dangerous missions over North Vietnam.” Said 42x. “I bet he was having tea with Jane Fonda and Ho Chi Min while his family was collecting his combat pay.”
“The North Vietnamese had to use the French luxury hotel because they couldn’t afford a proper prison,” said 6itch6, “It must have been humiliating for McCain to be forced to eat croissants and soufflés and drink champagne when he was used to the Academy diet. He probably had to wear a striped shirt and a beret like a French pimp. They were trying to take away his identity.”
“I think being in prison is the best preparation for being president,” said 5ma5. “In the White House he won’t be able to pull down his fly without a congressional hearing, the press watches your every move and you can’t get anything done except start a war. Its practically the same job.”
“So McCain lost the Vietnam war. We’re going to lose Iraq to Iran anyway,” said Ydumpme. “Winning wars is too expensive. McCain knows that if you lose you can go home. If we win like we did against the Germans and the Japanese we have to stay for half a century. There’s just no stomach for that.”
“I think General Clark is nuts,” said NbarN. “If Vietnam invades us again McCain will know just how to handle them.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“I’ve read in a number of sources over the years that John McCain stayed in the Hanoi Hilton for over five years while other members of his squadron had to fly dangerous missions over North Vietnam.” Said 42x. “I bet he was having tea with Jane Fonda and Ho Chi Min while his family was collecting his combat pay.”
“The North Vietnamese had to use the French luxury hotel because they couldn’t afford a proper prison,” said 6itch6, “It must have been humiliating for McCain to be forced to eat croissants and soufflés and drink champagne when he was used to the Academy diet. He probably had to wear a striped shirt and a beret like a French pimp. They were trying to take away his identity.”
“I think being in prison is the best preparation for being president,” said 5ma5. “In the White House he won’t be able to pull down his fly without a congressional hearing, the press watches your every move and you can’t get anything done except start a war. Its practically the same job.”
“So McCain lost the Vietnam war. We’re going to lose Iraq to Iran anyway,” said Ydumpme. “Winning wars is too expensive. McCain knows that if you lose you can go home. If we win like we did against the Germans and the Japanese we have to stay for half a century. There’s just no stomach for that.”
“I think General Clark is nuts,” said NbarN. “If Vietnam invades us again McCain will know just how to handle them.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
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