Reasons to be thankful
We are in only two wars.
The banks will be saved.
Auto-execs still have their private planes.
Hurricanes have blown off New Orleans.
Gas prices are down.
Politicians are back in their capitals.
The campaign is over.
The bubble has burst.
There is nothing left to hit the fan.
We’ve reached the peak of Shit Creek.
Give me a wing.
Reasons to be not thankful
Now that corn accounts for almost half the calories Americans eat, either through processed food or in corn fed meat, I propose we call ourselves Corn-Americans. Pop my cob.
Wall Street thought housing was the new corn. Just grind up everyone’s dreams together and you’ve got McDonald’s. Everything worked out. Out of the corn hole.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Headlines 2009
King Putin Declares New Cold War Has Begun
Pledges Russia will use all its might to keep God-ridden American communism from infecting the free world.
Blue China Begins Mass Arrests of Pro American Communist Sympathizers
Asks where did the crazy Americans get these ideas?
The Wall Street Worker’s Journal Celebrates May Day
Markets rise in anticipation of a new revolution.
Ford Bureau Of Investigation Refuses Cooperation With Chrysler Intelligence Agency
Still haggling over how to divide the 500 billion allocated to Automotive Intelligence.
No Bank Survives To Foreclose On Mortgages
The Fed forms Financial Gestapo to hold buyers in homes under house arrest as they still want to walk away from crummy sheetrock whack-ups.
Iran Pledges To End Occupation Of Alaska Early In Next Decade
Claims aggressive action was needed in anarchic 50th state to stabilize world oil markets and protect wolves.
Delaware Secedes From The United States
Claims country never recognized its unique accent and wants to print its own postage stamps. “We’re bigger than Monoco.”
Mafia Asks Washington To Nationalize Heroin and Cocaine Business
Warns laying off tens of thousands of drug dealers could lead to a spike in burglary and littering.
Paris Hilton Announces Her Candidacy For 2012
Hasn’t decided what office to run for and can’t remember if her boobs are really hers.
Chicago Cubs Win World Series
Sure sign of the Apocalypse.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Pledges Russia will use all its might to keep God-ridden American communism from infecting the free world.
Blue China Begins Mass Arrests of Pro American Communist Sympathizers
Asks where did the crazy Americans get these ideas?
The Wall Street Worker’s Journal Celebrates May Day
Markets rise in anticipation of a new revolution.
Ford Bureau Of Investigation Refuses Cooperation With Chrysler Intelligence Agency
Still haggling over how to divide the 500 billion allocated to Automotive Intelligence.
No Bank Survives To Foreclose On Mortgages
The Fed forms Financial Gestapo to hold buyers in homes under house arrest as they still want to walk away from crummy sheetrock whack-ups.
Iran Pledges To End Occupation Of Alaska Early In Next Decade
Claims aggressive action was needed in anarchic 50th state to stabilize world oil markets and protect wolves.
Delaware Secedes From The United States
Claims country never recognized its unique accent and wants to print its own postage stamps. “We’re bigger than Monoco.”
Mafia Asks Washington To Nationalize Heroin and Cocaine Business
Warns laying off tens of thousands of drug dealers could lead to a spike in burglary and littering.
Paris Hilton Announces Her Candidacy For 2012
Hasn’t decided what office to run for and can’t remember if her boobs are really hers.
Chicago Cubs Win World Series
Sure sign of the Apocalypse.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Obama Dream Team
President Elect Barack Obama has promised to assemble not only the best and brightest minds of our time but of all time to help him in his upcoming administration. Below is a list of likely candidates for secretaries of top posts.
Treasury…Karl Marx, no wimpy socialist.
Defense…William Penn, killer pacifist Quaker.
State…Adolph Hitler, light-handed negotiator.
Interior…Sigmund Freud, the inside of your skull is his sky.
Posterior…Mariah Carey, between boyfriends.
Health & Human Services…Ronald McDonald, dietary expert & educator.
Commerce…Tony Soprano, knows business.
Labor…Paris Hilton, real blue collar ethic.
Corn (formerly Agriculture)…Michael Pollan, omnivore’s answer.
Energy…Rip Van Winkle, has ground covered.
Veterans Affairs…Yankee Doodle, seen it all.
Education…Pandora, will open box on school vouchers.
Housing & Urban Development…Ebenezer Scrooge, prisons are housing.
Homeland Security…Osama Bin Laden, knows our vulnerable spots.
Management & Budget…Curly Howard, Larry and Moe were busy.
Attorney General…Charles Manson, justice is blind rage.
Surgeon General…Doctor Frankenstein, bio-tech genius.
National Security Advisor…Alfred E. Newman, what, we worry?
Don Arrup
Satire1
Treasury…Karl Marx, no wimpy socialist.
Defense…William Penn, killer pacifist Quaker.
State…Adolph Hitler, light-handed negotiator.
Interior…Sigmund Freud, the inside of your skull is his sky.
Posterior…Mariah Carey, between boyfriends.
Health & Human Services…Ronald McDonald, dietary expert & educator.
Commerce…Tony Soprano, knows business.
Labor…Paris Hilton, real blue collar ethic.
Corn (formerly Agriculture)…Michael Pollan, omnivore’s answer.
Energy…Rip Van Winkle, has ground covered.
Veterans Affairs…Yankee Doodle, seen it all.
Education…Pandora, will open box on school vouchers.
Housing & Urban Development…Ebenezer Scrooge, prisons are housing.
Homeland Security…Osama Bin Laden, knows our vulnerable spots.
Management & Budget…Curly Howard, Larry and Moe were busy.
Attorney General…Charles Manson, justice is blind rage.
Surgeon General…Doctor Frankenstein, bio-tech genius.
National Security Advisor…Alfred E. Newman, what, we worry?
Don Arrup
Satire1
Monday, November 3, 2008
Candidate Wins Election
Someone was elected to the Office of the Presidency of the United States today as a record number of voters voted for him or his opponent. It will probably take years to decide the outcome. Dozens of challenges in every state, Puerto Rico and Guam along with national challenges already being petitioned to the Supreme Court are being scheduled as militias form in front of strip joints, opera houses and via the Internet.
The FBI attacked CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia while the Air Force sank the majority of the Navy’s home fleet in Norfolk, Sand Diego and Hawaii. Marines are holding against the Army and managed to destroy the Pentagon. The National Forestry Service is holding twenty-two agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms hostage while the Coast Guard is massacring the Border Patrol. Every free gun is hunting IRS investigators while some Post Office employees are being spared- but not many. Stock and commodity exchanges turned into roadhouses. Congress a kung fu movie. Cities riot, countrysides revolt, hermits having no one else to kill commit suicide.
Households across the country are experiencing a level of violence unseen before even during the holidays. “People just shouldn’t be within eyesight of each other. Its just asking for trouble,” said Hiram Gonatz, proprietor of a used adult books store. “Its just one of those situations where anyone with an opinion is the mortal enemy of anyone else with an opinion. Even if they agree.”
President Bush, having just emerged from murdering the late Vice President Dick Chaney in an ultimate fighting challenge, declared that it was everyone for them selves.
Ain’t democracy great?
Vote.
Don Arrup
Satire1
The FBI attacked CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia while the Air Force sank the majority of the Navy’s home fleet in Norfolk, Sand Diego and Hawaii. Marines are holding against the Army and managed to destroy the Pentagon. The National Forestry Service is holding twenty-two agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms hostage while the Coast Guard is massacring the Border Patrol. Every free gun is hunting IRS investigators while some Post Office employees are being spared- but not many. Stock and commodity exchanges turned into roadhouses. Congress a kung fu movie. Cities riot, countrysides revolt, hermits having no one else to kill commit suicide.
Households across the country are experiencing a level of violence unseen before even during the holidays. “People just shouldn’t be within eyesight of each other. Its just asking for trouble,” said Hiram Gonatz, proprietor of a used adult books store. “Its just one of those situations where anyone with an opinion is the mortal enemy of anyone else with an opinion. Even if they agree.”
President Bush, having just emerged from murdering the late Vice President Dick Chaney in an ultimate fighting challenge, declared that it was everyone for them selves.
Ain’t democracy great?
Vote.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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