Viagranomics

Now that science has finally cured aging and conquered gravity we have entered the age of Viagronomics. Home values, stock prices and the nation’s virility will only rise. Nothing goes down. Nothing gets soft.

The recent financial crisis is merely a reset on our mindset as the completely new reality which people, having suffered the ravages of Time and been denied perpetual copulation, understandably doubt. It is a crisis of confidence. People lost their financial boners because they naturally assumed that today could be operating in conditions similar to those in the past.

Why don’t our leaders tell us that the past is over?

They say tomorrow. They say change. They talk about our children. We all knew what tomorrow, change and children meant. The same old shit only worse and more expensive. Now they mean the same old shit on fire.

Here’s how we’re going to burn. Since there is no way even if we wanted to pay for the retirement and care of the first class of baby boomers which is happening today the government will propose the brothelization of retirement. Studies estimate that by turning our retirement homes and communities into brothels we can cut the costs of Medicare in half. That is still four times more than we can afford in the most prosperous of times but it is a beginning. Social Security will become Sexual Security so that taxpayers can get screwed for being screwed. Those workers earning too little to pay taxes are screwed anyway.

The states will be invited to prostitute their middle and high school students so that they earn their educations and gain real world experience. Pornography will be blocked from the Internet and cable television to assure a steady demand for old and young ass. Condom use mandatory. Conversation discouraged.

With much of the costs of entitlements and education covered the American economy will be free to fly again. The rate of our growth will follow the projection of a youthful erection. Hard on for prosperity.

The lesson of Viagranomics is clear. If you are old, young or a taxpayer you are screwed. So screwed no one will deny it. Somebody will get rich and many will get richer but it won’t be you. You’re screwed.


Don Arrup
Satire1

Obama Appoints Three Little Pigs To Head Housing

The first little pig will head Fannie Mae. The second little pig Freddie Mac. The third little pig will be the new Foreclosure Czar. What happened to the one who ate roast beef? President Obama corrected.

“Do not mistake these industrious swine who fulfilled the American dream only to see two of their dreams blown away by the big bad bank with toes masquerading as consumers. I hired the three little pigs. They are not related to nor have ever had any business dealings with the little piggies. My three little pigs don’t even have piggies. And what especially bothers me about these little piggies is the message these toes are teaching our children.”

“Now, the first “little piggy” is the big toe and I think it should be called the big piggy but we can have a debate about that and probably should. So the big little piggy goes to the market. That’s what we all need to do today. Right now we’re like the second little piggy who has lost confidence in America and our economy and is intensifying the recession by staying home. Maybe the second little piggy has lost his job or is afraid of losing his job and we’re going to try to do something about that. The third little piggy has roast beef but how much can he enjoy that roast beef when right next door the fourth little piggy has none? Maybe the big little piggy can pick him up some when he goes to the market but his retirement account has shrunk and his home’s value is down and I’m about to tax him right out of his shoe. Which brings us to the fifth little piggy who goes Wee Wee Wee all the way home. I’d like to appoint him budget director.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Vatican Denies Abortion To Woman Raped By Martians

Pope says if the mother is Catholic the monster is Catholic.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Dinosaurs Sue Mother Nature For Extinction

“Evolution is a conspiracy,” says Ty Rex, king of the carnivore dinosaurs. “We didn’t live our lives just to become your fossil fuel.”

A growing movement among extinct species has been gaining force in recent millenniums. Naturalists have long complained of having Dodo eggs dropped on their heads from the extinct birds protesting their classification. Other species claim to be misrepresented by paleontologists. “I’m not as horny as I look,” said the triceratops, “just try to get under this tail.”

Queen Kong is suing the City of New York for abduction and ape-slaughter claiming that giant apes are an endangered species. “He was arrested in our Kingdom of Skull Island, extradited to the United States, held without charges and he’s not even Muslim.” The Queen feels that the death and destruction caused by the King in his attempted escape was justified by his oppression. “They sail a blond half way around the world to trap my Kong and think that there isn’t going to be trouble? Blonds have been blonds ever since there were blonds.”

More recent extinctions like honest bankers and sane brokers bide their time. This isn’t the first time the climate changed.

Don Arrup
Satire1