Madoff Announces Retirement In 2162

After being sentenced by Judge Chin to 150 years in prison for running history’s largest financial ponzi scheme, Bernard Madoff announced that he would serve the term as a hiatus from his business and not officially retire until 2162 after he has had a few years of freedom to amass another fortune. Madoff will be 224 years old. “I may need another wife by then,” Madoff said. “I love the old girl but she ought to be okay for a while with the 15 million I transferred into her account when the wolves found our door.”

Madoff assured relatives that he loved his wife as much as any man could but that few marriages last 200 years. “When you’re young and in love you think you will feel the same way forever but as the centuries wear on the differences become difficult to ignore.
Mrs. Madoff is completely on board with me here agreeing to stick by me for my first fifty years of incarceration while I adjust. Then she can go dig up the hidden loot and begin her new life.”

Statistics show that couples separated by incarceration for over a century rarely reunite. “By being realistic now and dealing with the challenges ahead for our family we can still be friends when I’m out and attending our great great grandchildren’s weddings. “

When Madoff was asked if he thought he might remarry while in prison or after he responded, “I’ll probably be tired of being a husband by the time we divorce. I’d like to try being the wife for a change. Hopefully, if I exercise, eat right and keep my figure some nice large tattooed man will have me.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Ayatollah Condemns Violence In Minnesota's Senate Election

As the boarders close between Minneapolis and St. Paul and the Minnesota National Guard is called out by Gov. Tim Pawlenty to disarm the State Police, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Supreme Leader of Iran, called on the international fantasy community to condemn the violence in the Gopher State. At the heart of the civil war are the disputed election returns from last November’s U.S. Senate race between incumbent Neanderthal Norm Coleman and challenger Hippie Al Franken.

“The city of St. Paul is appalled by the Governor’s suppression of the demonstrations calling for the seating of Al Franken to give the Democrats the filibuster busting 60th seat,” said Mayor Mary Richards.

“The election results are a farce,” said Mayor Ted Baxter of Minneapolis, “in a state with 4 million voters how could anyone win by as many as 300 votes in a recount that only took seven months?”

Violence escalated when Minneapolis’ most famous resident Minerva (Minnie) Mouse was shot down in the streets while protesting the protests. A camera crew from WJM-TV’s Six O’clock News was on hand to ask Ms. Mouse whom she had voted for. With her dying breath she confessed she could not remember the election having been so long ago. “Since breaking up with Mickey I’ve learned to live in the here and now.”

President Obama threatened grave repercussions if the Iranian meddling continues. “Though I along with former President Reagan owe our elections to the Iranian leadership, the people of Minnesota will decide for themselves who will be Mickey Mouse’s next girlfriend.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Bush Wins Recount in Iranian Election

In a surprising development in the Iranian Presidential elections, George Walker Bush is declared the winner in a recount conducted by the Revolutionary Death to All Jews and Americans Council, a non-partisan group. The Supreme Court in Tehran and the Ayatollah Big Meanie publicly sanctioned the results and pledge full cooperation. Former United States President Bush responded to his victory on his ranch in Texas.

“The people of Iran have spoken and what they want is change. As the Iranian Supreme Leader I will ratchet up the nuclear program and prepare the country to meet its greatest threat: the aggression of the United States Military in its backyard. I will demand from the legislature unlimited powers to take back the Straits of Vermouth immediately and double funding to Hamas and Hezbollah in order to kick start a middle east peace process.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

BSTV Converter Box

On Friday, June 12, 2009 all analog television transmissions ended and only high definition digital signals are allowed to saturate our airways. Since the conversion to HDTV signals represented a financial burden on lower income Americans who were still receiving their transmissions like Fred Flintstone the federal government provided a converter box coupon program valued at $40 which was usually enough to cover the tax on the lower end boxes.

Being that no digital to analog converter box actually works the manufactures were encouraged to offer a wide variety of special features.

Antenna Tyrant 5000
Features patented BS* filter to remove any exaggeration or fabrication of facts uttered by politicians, experts and business leaders. Essentially shuts out news programs, documentaries, political campaign commercials, interview shows and the State of the Union address.

BoobTube 46D
Exclusive feature enhances breast size of any actresses or reality show participant displaying cleavage. May block out face altogether on generously endowed individuals like Dolly Parton or Rush Limbaugh.

Teltosterone Master
Offers only balls, pucks, guns, cars, bikinis, beers and animals. Easily combined with BoobTube 46D.

Estrogen Third Millennium
Blocks all balls, pucks, guns, cars, bikinis and beers. Animals optional.

Barney Carry Yoke
Adds simple calliope background to Hearing Impaired close captioning making every program a sing a long. FDIC warns not to operate with in laws after consuming alcoholic beverages.

Don Arrup
Satire1

GM.gov

Check out General Motors’ new bankruptcy line of cars. Remember, it’s your car company.

Cheney 7000 Torturer
No shocks, no brakes, no muffler but I must confess this dark little back-alley van made me feel safe to scream.

Obamalac
Not only rule but also own all you see in this answer to Henry Ford and his Lincoln.

Clinton Global SUV
From the lawless tribal area of DC to the luxurious villages of North Korea this hump takes the bump.

Soto Racerist
A real car to meet the real needs of everyone except white men.

Biden Time Electric
Essentially a two seated wheel chair with a bubble around it. Room to get frisky.

Don Arrup
Satire1