Transparency

In compliance with the new enforcement policy of the Securities and Exchange Commission we here at Goldman Sachs wish to reword some of our recent product proposals.

CHUMP FUND
Specifically designed by John Paulson president of the Up Your Shorts Hedge Fund to implode with the popping of the Housing Bubble. A perfect tax shelter for any individual or profit seeking institution that suffers the possibility of a higher tax bracket, Chump Fund promises to throw your money away hopefully in the direction of Mr. Paulson and Goldman Sachs.

GOLDMAN GAMBOL
Buy shares in Goldman Sachs where the value of your dollar is in our pocket. Go with the richest, most over compensated pirates in three-piece suits and be assured that as we gambol recklessly with your money and the nation’s economy the price of our executive’s shares can never go down.

BONER BONUSES
Cut out the middlemen and boring prospectuses and invest your money directly in our upper management’s bonus compensation program. You will be supporting the talented creators of the Great Recession and helping to keep our analysts off the high seas where our Navy can’t find them.

And remember the Goldman Sachs motto:

Never in the history of money has so much damage been done to so many by so few.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Grounded

Europe is grounded by second hand smoke
As Hell prepares the barbeques for a bumper crop
Of bankers, brokers, Monsanto and health care reformers.
Got to turn up the heat.

Global warming.
Carbon emissions probably don’t help
But considering the elbowing among those rushing for the bowels of Hell
Hell must be growing.
The immoral infrastructure of our world is being upgraded.
Brimstone had to be fetched from Mars and Pluto.

I’ll be damned.
I’ll be insured. I’ll be in debt, up Shit’s Creek, in the same boat,
I’ll be a volcano.
Right now I’m just smoking.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Reject List For Judge Stevens Replacement

Supreme Court Justice Paul Stevens was the conservative centerist choice of President Gerald Ford. By the time he announced his retirement this week he was considered the liberal lion. After the recent bipartisan honeymoon called Health Care Reform conflict is likely to return over confirmation of his replacement.

Republicans will veto:

Moses- too Jewish. Immigrant. 2cd billing in the Koran. No beards.

Jesus Christ- too liberal. Incites class warfare and too concerned with poor and outcasts.

Abraham Lincoln- big spender. Poured half the economy into a hopeless war. Never popular in South and Anti-States Rights. Willing to extend citizenship to people who labor underpaid and without rights at shit jobs. Taxed everything that moved.

Thomas Jefferson- too gay. Speaks perfect French and was only Founding Father besides Washington who didn’t look ridiculous in knee britches.

Al Gore- too green.

Hilary Clinton- too Clinton.

John Stewart- too honest.


Democrats will veto:

Moses-Applies Death Penalty to misdemeanors. Not a lawyer.

Jesus Christ- too conservative. Spiritual leader of Pro Life Movement though views on abortion have never been recorded. Also not a lawyer.

Abraham Lincoln- too fascist. Suspended Habis Corpus and instituted first military conscription just after war lost public support.

Thomas Jefferson- too States Rights.

Al Gore- too Al Gore.

Hilary Clinton- enough Clinton!

John Stewart- too funny. They’ve got Biden for laughs.

Don Arrup
Satire1

April Fool Ten

GM granted patent on the wheel.

Sophia Loren’s patent on cleavage reinstated.

Poland Spring and Budweiser still contesting water.

When did God go broke? When did Nature cash out? How much does it cost to go to Heaven? I won’t even ask about Hell but I know Madoff qualified.

We used to split hairs. Then we split the atom. Now we dice our chromosomes. What next?



When is somebody going to create a new color? Purple is just a bitch between red and blue. Green is a lie.


I wake up scared and go to bed screaming and my bills are paid.


If Popeye the Sailor Man lived in a garbage can in good times where the hell is he now?


Europeans To Create New Universe With Supercollider

Though it will be much smaller than the Universe we live in scientists hope to engineer their Not So Big Bang to evolve into a manageable sized universe without some of the plagues of our existence.
“Imagine a world without disease, taxes or pop up ads. And if you want a human race without lawyers, bankers and game show hosts you basically have to start over.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

*Satire1 celebrates its third year of weekly attempts to make sense of the nonsense we endure.