CO2 Found in Seltzer Nationwide

The Food and Drug Administration has issued an immediate recall on all makes of seltzer and club soda as emergency rooms are overwhelmed with gassed patients.

Laboratories across the country are confirming that significant traces of carbon dioxide have been detected in all makes of seltzer and club soda and fears that the pollutant responsible for global warming and Brittany Spear’s behavior might have contaminated other soft drinks.

“We’ve opened bottles which literally exploded CO2 in our face,” said Dr, Poindexter Whipman, head of John Hopkins Just What The Hell Is It Laboratory.

Dr. Whipman warns against panic and says that only people with compromised immune systems and spouses of the flatulent might become ill after one exposure. Repeated intake of the global warming gas could induce belching and endanger the return of dinosaurs.

“Plants can breath this stuff but plants eat dirt and sunshine and don’t move around like we do,” said Doc. “It’s not like cyanide that kills everything that lives. Somewhere between cyanide and McDonald’s.”

Carbon Dioxide exists in every cell of our body where it the waste product of respiration. Half our arterial matrix is devoted to getting the GW gas out of our system along with other wastes as quickly as possible. The oceans currently absorb half the carbon dioxide created by the burning of fossil fuels and President Obama has appointed Al Gore to negotiate with the world’s bodies of water to absorb up to seventy-five percent.

“This means that if you are making out on the beach with someone who is breathing and drinking seltzer your exposure to the deadly gas is comparable to being in a gas chamber in Los Angeles,” said Doc Whipman. “We inserted rectal thermometers in couples really going at it on Ocean City, Maryland’s beach and noted a distinct rise in their temperatures. It’s the beginning of body warming which if it continues might make any climate change irrelevant.”

Dr. Whipman’s interpretation of the data is being disputed as overly optimistic by a number of scientists who claim that all the Earth’s water is rebelling and manufacturing carbon dioxide to annihilate all non-aquatic animal life and point to bottled spring waters showing similar carbonation.

Don Arrup
Satire1