President Obama, House Speaker Boehner, Senate Majority Leader Reid and Chief Justice Roberts formally handed the Constitution and keys to the White House, Congress and Supreme Court over to a CUNY undergraduate in Sociology behind a card table in Lacotti Park today marking the end of the Free Market Capitalist Oligarchy that has ruled the country since its founding.
A guillotine was constructed in the graveyard of Trinity Church at the top of Wall Street to accommodate everyone making over a million dollars in annual income who is not a media star or Warren Buffet. The People’s Bureau of Investigation began arresting banksters and stock robbers as part of a nationwide sweep of anyone who turned a profit since the Great Recession began.
Private property has been abolished and all marriages are voided as the period of genital monopolization ends. The family unit is dismantled and children under the new age of consent (12 years) will be redistributed by lottery to couples demonstrating truly democratic relationships.
All private homes will be demolished as they are the most divisive and unequal element in society. Tents, wigwams and igloos will be the only allowable shelters in the new United Citizens of America. Banks will become free food distribution centers and nursing homes will end their age discrimination and accommodate anyone who has just plain had it.
Schools will stop manufacturing fodder for the heartless industrial poison machine and all institutes of higher learning will become research centers for time and mind travel.
October 31st is the new Independence Day. Every Monday is Memorial Day and Malcolm X’s birthday will replace Martin Luther King’s as a national day of observance.
Barter, seduction and violence will replace Federal Reserve Notes and all other currencies while workers will toil for the satisfaction of knowing they have contributed to the general good.
Legislation pending General Assembly approval:
Everyone is to be painted blue to end racial discrimination
Distribute nuclear arsenal to Third World countries and stateless minorities
Legalize terrorism
Invade Alaska
Recognize Disney World as a sovereign state
Mandate a Star Wars channel
Invite Iraq and Afghanistan to join the Union
Make Satire1 the blog of record
Don Arrup
Satire1
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
New Jobama Plan
President Obama announced on the White House lawn today that he has just hired over two million people currently behind bars in America as Conviction Demonstrators as part of a sweeping overhaul of the Penal and Housing systems.
Both citizen and foreign prisoners were drafted by executive order into the new Penal Corp and are to remain stationed in their current prison, jail or detention center. Those currently being charged with a crime are considered applicants and will only be hired upon conviction.
President Obama explained:
“Penal Corp participants will be paid the Federal Minimum Wage to cover the rent of their cells and board. This way the whole program pays for itself. It adds nothing to the deficit while creating over two million new jobs. And these are not short-term infrastructure projects but jobs that will last the length of the conviction. For thousands of Americans this will be a lifelong career.”
“My new Penal Corp will not infringe on the sovereignty of state and local prisons. Local laws and work rules still apply as the investments will continue to come from local taxpayers. But all detention centers will be issued PC T-shirts that say ‘This is not my punishment. This is my job.’”
“The new Penal Corp will also address the disproportionate toll the recession has taken on the poor and minorities as most of the hires will be from this group. “
“The Republicans are always saying put more people in jail. I say put more people to work. And if Congress ever gets around to criminalizing homelessness as I have requested we could end this housing crisis before the end of this year or whenever we can build enough children’s prisons.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Both citizen and foreign prisoners were drafted by executive order into the new Penal Corp and are to remain stationed in their current prison, jail or detention center. Those currently being charged with a crime are considered applicants and will only be hired upon conviction.
President Obama explained:
“Penal Corp participants will be paid the Federal Minimum Wage to cover the rent of their cells and board. This way the whole program pays for itself. It adds nothing to the deficit while creating over two million new jobs. And these are not short-term infrastructure projects but jobs that will last the length of the conviction. For thousands of Americans this will be a lifelong career.”
“My new Penal Corp will not infringe on the sovereignty of state and local prisons. Local laws and work rules still apply as the investments will continue to come from local taxpayers. But all detention centers will be issued PC T-shirts that say ‘This is not my punishment. This is my job.’”
“The new Penal Corp will also address the disproportionate toll the recession has taken on the poor and minorities as most of the hires will be from this group. “
“The Republicans are always saying put more people in jail. I say put more people to work. And if Congress ever gets around to criminalizing homelessness as I have requested we could end this housing crisis before the end of this year or whenever we can build enough children’s prisons.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Phone Bone
We call people up to find out how we are doing. We ask them first so as to not seem insane but what we want to know is how we are. Not feeling well? Hell, how sick are you? I’m feeling better already. Marriage trouble? My husband’s more handsome with every detail. Your mother again? Glad mine’s dead.
We assume a zero sum world of misery. If you feel worse I must feel better. If you are out of luck mine’s just come in. If we are both down then we are a team against the world of friends who dare to enjoy these times.
Parties should be called comparison contests. Men talk vaguely about their jobs, cars and kids measuring their peckers against neighbors and kin. Women wear status and complement décor with inflection that tickles a nipple or pinches it.
Don’t read the paper when you are depressed. It will be too much fun. Celebrities’ miseries are our bounty. Envy avenged. Super models look like crap on Monday mornings. Some even get fat after having kids. Adonis actors slapped with paternity suits. Titans of industry and politics caught with working whores.
What more could you ask for?
Don Arrup
Satire1
We assume a zero sum world of misery. If you feel worse I must feel better. If you are out of luck mine’s just come in. If we are both down then we are a team against the world of friends who dare to enjoy these times.
Parties should be called comparison contests. Men talk vaguely about their jobs, cars and kids measuring their peckers against neighbors and kin. Women wear status and complement décor with inflection that tickles a nipple or pinches it.
Don’t read the paper when you are depressed. It will be too much fun. Celebrities’ miseries are our bounty. Envy avenged. Super models look like crap on Monday mornings. Some even get fat after having kids. Adonis actors slapped with paternity suits. Titans of industry and politics caught with working whores.
What more could you ask for?
Don Arrup
Satire1
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Occupy Main Street
The nation’s wealthiest families have taken to the beaches of their private islands vowing to sit in the elements and not return to their homes until the tyrannous 99% stop oppressing them with their demonstrations in Zuccotti Park in Manhattan.
Braving 86 degree temperatures under bright sunshine which plunge to near 70 at night, American Plutocrats vow to stand up for “The Smallest and Most Oppressed Minority in the United States.”
Claiming to have not received any direct assistance from the federal government as they struggle through the most severe recession since the Great Depression the Plutocrats claim that the massive growth of their slice of the economy has caused them nothing but headaches and social isolation.
“The smart money was already long out of the banks and investment houses before the bubble burst. The government didn’t bail us out. We had already bailed ourselves out.”
“Nobody’s buying islands anymore and the market value of half my mansions has gone down by almost a third. I’m tired of seeing people who’ve lost their $125,000 homes complaining on TV. I’ve lost more than that on the asking price of my classic Bentley,“
“Sure we own Congress but for all the value we’ve gotten on our billions we would have done better to endow a new Monkey House at the National Zoo.”
“The way the national debt and globalization pans out now most Americans actually work for the Chinese. The beauty of it is if you move to China you could work for us.”
“How can this rabble complain about our lobbyists? Somebody has to subsidize the millionaires in Congress who are sacrificing their top robbing years to serve the nation. What do they want? Dumb thieves running this country?”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Braving 86 degree temperatures under bright sunshine which plunge to near 70 at night, American Plutocrats vow to stand up for “The Smallest and Most Oppressed Minority in the United States.”
Claiming to have not received any direct assistance from the federal government as they struggle through the most severe recession since the Great Depression the Plutocrats claim that the massive growth of their slice of the economy has caused them nothing but headaches and social isolation.
“The smart money was already long out of the banks and investment houses before the bubble burst. The government didn’t bail us out. We had already bailed ourselves out.”
“Nobody’s buying islands anymore and the market value of half my mansions has gone down by almost a third. I’m tired of seeing people who’ve lost their $125,000 homes complaining on TV. I’ve lost more than that on the asking price of my classic Bentley,“
“Sure we own Congress but for all the value we’ve gotten on our billions we would have done better to endow a new Monkey House at the National Zoo.”
“The way the national debt and globalization pans out now most Americans actually work for the Chinese. The beauty of it is if you move to China you could work for us.”
“How can this rabble complain about our lobbyists? Somebody has to subsidize the millionaires in Congress who are sacrificing their top robbing years to serve the nation. What do they want? Dumb thieves running this country?”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
