The US Conference of Catholic Bishops said that the ORomney Health Insurance Bailout Bill in providing funding for abortions and birth control will deny future generations of priests and deacons potential candidates for molestation which has been a cornerstone of recruitment and bonding within the order for the past four decades.
"Why do you think the Bishops and Cardinals would risk such scandal in covering up the marauding molestation decade after decade if it wasn't vital to the survival of the church. Studies show that despite strong abomination and threats of hell even Catholics are getting abortions or practicing birth control when it is covered by their health care insurance," said Arch Bishop Feeley of Jefferson City, Missouri. "Do you really expect young men to hear the calling when there is only a handful of widows and cleaning ladies in the pews?"
Parish school students are far and away the preferred victims due to access and fetish uniforms. Despite their reputation for academics and discipline primary and secondary Catholic school enrollment which peaked in the early 60's at over five million is less than half that and schools have been closing. The increased costs of having a lay faculty, changing demographics and a shrinking portion of the faithful willing to have their children raped has caused tuition to soar out of the reach of many Catholic households.
"The unwanted or barely wanted children that abortion and birth control claims were our best targets." explains Monseigneur Kitchtaw, who has been accused of improper relations with students since 1965. "You can't even look at a kid whose parents spent four years at fertilization clinics to produce. A hair out of place on the child's head and they're in your office questioning your ethics."
Don Arrup
Satire1
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