Tel Aviv Delicatessen

Mitt Romney:

This is a great turkey sandwich with the avocado and red onion but like they say at the club it ain't a club without bacon. It's amazing really that the two oldest and most prominent pork hating religions can't get along. 

The Palestinians haven't ruled this land since the Ottoman Turks took over. They weren't willing to split it with Israel in 48. They wanted it all. They fought for it with help from the neighboring Arab states and they lost. Some of the papers want me to visit the Palestinian camps. I know what tents look like. I camp with my family.

Sanctions, blockades and harassment aside, the Palestinians just can't compete in a Jewish market with the Israelis. It's a matter of culture. The Palestinians claim they are victims. We started a war with Israel and they beat us. So the oil states write checks. Were as the Israelis remind us that they are always victims. So the U.S. writes checks. 

The Oil Autocrats will never give the Palestinians enough money to even begin to challenge Israel because they need Israel more than they need the Palestinians. 

And let me say this, if the Palestinians ever truly get their own state they can forget about the Olympics. They'd muck it up even more than the Brits. 

Bomb Iran. Thank you and god bless my donors.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Summer Of Discontent

If we are asking rich people not to fight for their interests we are asking them to do something that is both undemocratic and basically insane. Every other group shouts out their interests at election time and when they contribute. There are too many lobbyists and they have too much influence. I have never heard or read any argument with that statement. The Supreme Court didn't help.

Politicians rarely explain things fully not only because it gives more counter argument to their opposition but because we the people won't take the time to listen. If we did the networks would give them the time gratis.

American jobs go overseas not because most corporations are greedy unpatriotic bastards but because we consumers are cheap and short sighted assholes. We stopped looking at the "Made In" label in the Seventies and now half our industries are gone. It doesn't matter what you say or even how you vote. Your wallet talks loudest and last. 

If you want China to own the world shop at Walmart.

America actually manufactures more than ever before in its history but automation long seen coming does the majority of the work.

I grew up in the only industrialized nation in the world that didn't just have the shit kicked out of it in the Second World War. We had an advantage and we took it and kept it for over half a century. No president, party or policy could have extended it much longer. When we don't like the way things are going we want to blame someone. Good luck.

There has certainly been no shortage of con agents, banksters and outright thieves and some are only being prosecuted now as the statute of limitations is ending. But even they could not have created the mess we are in without the armies of suckers dying to buy into their schemes. If you thought that housing had somehow doubled in value in less than a decade and could only go up you are just the pigeon they needed.

Obama believes too much in government and Romney believes too much in the marketplace. The federal government has been gridlocked for years and the marketplace has been a casino for over a decade. You choose.

Don Arrup

Satire1

I'll Believe In Global Warming When...

The Moon is hotter than the Sun.

You can ski in Florida and surf on the South Pole.

People travel to England for the weather.

New York has four seasons.

Bikinis are winter wear.

The birds crap anywhere other than my car.

It snows inside the Super Dome.

Hilary Clinton wears shorts.

Mitt Romney sweats.

Lady Gaga dresses sensibly.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Congress Declares True Independence

In a 323 to 112 vote the House of Representatives joined the Senate in abolishing English as the official language of government and commerce in the United States. Calling for a new American language composed of Spanish, Chinese, Tweet and street jive legislators from both parties declared the country free at last from the mother tongue of our former oppressors. 

Citing that almost no one actually speaks English in this country anymore legislators claim that arguing in the "dead ex-empire tongue" is the reason that no compromise can be found on almost any vital issue facing the nation.

"We have been about as independent of the Mother Country as Scotland has." said Rep. Stork Shaldwell of Alaska. "To call the Fourth of July Independence Day when we are still mumbling British is a sham and a shame to all free peoples." 

"Even the Canadians and Jamaicans don't speak this crap," noted Senator Arnold Ain't of Arkansas. "The Canadians either speak French or Mountie and even they can't understand each other which works fine for non Super Power."

"English was a vital language in Shakespeare's time and I first proposed adopting Middle English forsooth," said Rep. Romeo Plop of New Hampshire. "Even we seasoned politicians can not twist and distort our words enough to make it appear that we're getting the country's work done. We need a new and more pliable language."

"English just sounds like gibberish to anyone under eighteen because it is gibberish," said Senator Mike Tyson of New York. "We have got to get the Gibberish teachers and departments out of our schools and universities if this country is to have any kind of chance in this new millennium."

"I would love to have at least some idea of what I'm talking about when I'm towing the party line," said Rep. Linda Hardell of Ohio. "You have no idea how hard it is to field reporters questions when you have no idea what you just said."

"Right now, your federal government is spending millions of dollars daily funding Bullshit as a Second Language courses through out the country basically telling our recent arrivals that we are a bunch of barnyard animals grunting at each other," said Senator Harriet Blast of some Mid Western state. "

Some dissenting votes weighed in.

"I became a politician because I don't listen and now I'm going to have to pretend to," said Senator Squeak Perloin of Texas. "I voted against dropping English and now my only hope is that our pathetic education system will once again fail to materialize any mirage of literacy in the next generation."

"I was just starting to get English down when this bill came up." said Rep. Howie Numnuts of Oklahoma. "I was just ready to propose the first bill my staff wrote that I could make sense of. I think it was about Health or poor people or something."

The new and first official language of the United States is to be called Shit since that is all anyone talks around here. President Obama in keeping with the spirit of bill nodded that he would sign.

Don Arrup

Satire1