Congress Declares True Independence

In a 323 to 112 vote the House of Representatives joined the Senate in abolishing English as the official language of government and commerce in the United States. Calling for a new American language composed of Spanish, Chinese, Tweet and street jive legislators from both parties declared the country free at last from the mother tongue of our former oppressors. 

Citing that almost no one actually speaks English in this country anymore legislators claim that arguing in the "dead ex-empire tongue" is the reason that no compromise can be found on almost any vital issue facing the nation.

"We have been about as independent of the Mother Country as Scotland has." said Rep. Stork Shaldwell of Alaska. "To call the Fourth of July Independence Day when we are still mumbling British is a sham and a shame to all free peoples." 

"Even the Canadians and Jamaicans don't speak this crap," noted Senator Arnold Ain't of Arkansas. "The Canadians either speak French or Mountie and even they can't understand each other which works fine for non Super Power."

"English was a vital language in Shakespeare's time and I first proposed adopting Middle English forsooth," said Rep. Romeo Plop of New Hampshire. "Even we seasoned politicians can not twist and distort our words enough to make it appear that we're getting the country's work done. We need a new and more pliable language."

"English just sounds like gibberish to anyone under eighteen because it is gibberish," said Senator Mike Tyson of New York. "We have got to get the Gibberish teachers and departments out of our schools and universities if this country is to have any kind of chance in this new millennium."

"I would love to have at least some idea of what I'm talking about when I'm towing the party line," said Rep. Linda Hardell of Ohio. "You have no idea how hard it is to field reporters questions when you have no idea what you just said."

"Right now, your federal government is spending millions of dollars daily funding Bullshit as a Second Language courses through out the country basically telling our recent arrivals that we are a bunch of barnyard animals grunting at each other," said Senator Harriet Blast of some Mid Western state. "

Some dissenting votes weighed in.

"I became a politician because I don't listen and now I'm going to have to pretend to," said Senator Squeak Perloin of Texas. "I voted against dropping English and now my only hope is that our pathetic education system will once again fail to materialize any mirage of literacy in the next generation."

"I was just starting to get English down when this bill came up." said Rep. Howie Numnuts of Oklahoma. "I was just ready to propose the first bill my staff wrote that I could make sense of. I think it was about Health or poor people or something."

The new and first official language of the United States is to be called Shit since that is all anyone talks around here. President Obama in keeping with the spirit of bill nodded that he would sign.

Don Arrup

Satire1