Diana Ross Doesn't Sing Here Anymore

Despite major headline wins over DOMA and Myriad Genetics, the Obama Administration took a shellacking this Supreme Court session with the Solicitor General winning under 40% of the rulings when SGs usually bat seven hundred. Swinger Justice Kennedy was in bed with the winners in over three quarters of the cases while Scalia spanked his monkey on the bench after being left on the floor almost half the time.

For those unfamiliar with Constitutional law some of the highlights of the 79 rulings this session.

DOMA

New Yorker Edith Windsor went to Canada (a vast wasteland suburb of Detroit even drug dealers don't recognize as a country) and married a broad who later died then was whacked by the IRS for the estate tax. Since no one on the Supreme Court had ever heard of Canada and Justice Sotomayor warned her colleagues to never mess with an old dyke the court told the IRS to leave her alone.

Proposition Ate

Voters in California passed a plebiscite to stop lesbians from propositioning strangers for cunnilingus. The case was thrown back to a lower court because even the president can't get a blow job. 

Affirmative Action

Court ruled that a white girl who couldn't cut it in a Community College was violated by the University of Texas who enrolled some black kid who will be her boss some day.

Voting Rights Act

Court ruled in a five to four decision that slavery and Jim Crow never happened.

God's Patent 

Court ruled unanimously that corporations don't own your tits.

Class Action

More obstacles for plaintive(s) suing companies for discrimination, harassment, rape, murder or name calling. So it's like everyone in the country works for the United States Military.

Arbitration

Employees with legitimate complaints unlike the whiney crap mentioned above have the right to bring their grievances to a board paid for by their boss.

Immunity Beyond Borders

Companies can not be held responsible for what their subsidiaries and suppliers overseas do to their workers in the name of profit. So it's like everyone in the world works for the United States Military.

Big Drug Dealers Are Not Drug Dealers

Pharmaceutical companies who are responsible for the vast majority of addictions and overdoses slide due to included flyspeck tomes nobody can read without an atomic microscope.

Gabelli Vs United States

If your investment advisor hides or plans out a fraud for five years you're screwed.

Don Arrup

Satire1

This Diamond Ring

Since Massachusetts recognizes gay marriage and NFL Patriots owner Bob Kraft is a widow the stage is set for Kraft to marry Russian President Vladimir Putin in a ceremony to take place at half time during the Patriots home opener against the New York Jets on Thursday night, September 12. President Putin and former spouse Lyudmila Putina announced their divorce on June 6 of this year clearing the way for the international betrothal.

Their secret engagement dates back to 2005 just a year after Massachusetts became the first state to legalize gay marriage but both Mr. Kraft and President Putin were married to women at the time. Myra Kraft passed away from cancer in 2011 but with Putin up for election in 2012 and gay marriage being both unpopular and illegal in Russia the couple concluded it was best to wait.

The NFL Network is promoting the Thursday night opener as the "Kremlin Kraft Bling Bling Ring Ding." President Obama congratulated the couple and offered to perform the ceremony while Ellen Degeneres said she would give Putin away should his family decline to attend.

The announced nuptials solve a controversy that has raged since 2005 when Bob Kraft was videotaped proposing to Putin in St. Petersburg. The couple devised a cover story for the press that Kraft thought he was simply showing Putin his Super Bowl ring when Putin abruptly pocketed it and walked away behind a wall of KGB bodyguards. The "misunderstanding" allowed the couple to keep their engagement secret and to pass coded love notes to each other through press statements.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Supreme Court Rules Women Own Their Breasts

As Biotech companies gobble up genes from the Human Genome Project with patents the Supreme Court has ruled that women actually own their own breasts despite lower courts having ruled that "bad boob 1&2 genes" isolated by Myriad Genetics was their property due to the unique usage clause in Copyright law. The lower federal courts had actually upheld Myriad's claim that once the gene was removed from a woman's body it belonged to them and that they alone were authorized to test for and research on the gene and its mutations responsible for a large portion of the near 40,000 annual deaths from breast cancer. 

In "God and Mother Nature vs Myriad Genetics." the justices unanimously sided with the deities after hearing fifteen minutes of argument, earthquake and thunder. In an unprecedented move Chief Justice Roberts while still seated behind the smoldering high bench just smote with lightning, called for a show of hands from his fellow justices on siding with the plaintiffs. 

The lawyers and executives of Myriad Genetics were unavailable for comment after the ruling as the District of Columbia Fire Department has yet to locate them in the chasm in the floor and earth they were standing on. Fire Chief Gabriel suggested that they might be more productively sought in China. 

Despite the disappearance of the defendants the ruling was not without critics who as usual spoke on the condition of anonymity.

"What's the use of having all this breast cancer if no one can make a buck on it? Myriad worked hard to isolate this gene and identify its mutations. This process is protected as a unique process in law and they deserve to price half the women in the country out of a life saving test."

"My wife's breasts belong to her father. That was made perfectly clear in our courtship. They're Korean and I think we have too little respect for corporations which are not individuals but the real families in this country."

"20th Century Fox owned Jayne Mansfield's and Marilyn Monroe's breasts just like Universal owned Mamie Van Doren's. I don't know where average women get off thinking their breasts are theirs. We have a constitution in this country."

"This is the only way those pathetic geeks could have ever gotten their hands on some women's breasts."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Joint Chiefs Raped In Pentagon Parking Lot

The nation's highest ranking uniformed officers were raped in the Pentagon parking lot yesterday by a mob of enlisted personnel whose petitions for justice in their own violation had been ignored or dismissed. Having no superior officer to file a complaint with the commanders of the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force and National Guard were reduced to whining to their respective secretaries of their service.

Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel blamed the Joint Chiefs for parading themselves about in provocatively tailored uniforms decorated in medals and ribbons and overly shined shoes. 

"I don't know what they expected with their scrambled eggs visors, padded and starred shoulders, red striped pants and chests covered in fruit salad. There are some pretty lonely Privates in our armed services and some Seamen just back from long cruises. Bend over in front of them and they're sure to take a rise up in the ranks."

"I'm tired of these four star teases standing like erections expecting the world to freeze every time they grace us with their gaze. They allowed a culture that protects rapists and sexual terrorists and now wonder how long it will be before they can sit down comfortably. Well, they have been sitting down too long."

Don Arrup

Satire1