Supreme Court Rules Women Own Their Breasts

As Biotech companies gobble up genes from the Human Genome Project with patents the Supreme Court has ruled that women actually own their own breasts despite lower courts having ruled that "bad boob 1&2 genes" isolated by Myriad Genetics was their property due to the unique usage clause in Copyright law. The lower federal courts had actually upheld Myriad's claim that once the gene was removed from a woman's body it belonged to them and that they alone were authorized to test for and research on the gene and its mutations responsible for a large portion of the near 40,000 annual deaths from breast cancer. 

In "God and Mother Nature vs Myriad Genetics." the justices unanimously sided with the deities after hearing fifteen minutes of argument, earthquake and thunder. In an unprecedented move Chief Justice Roberts while still seated behind the smoldering high bench just smote with lightning, called for a show of hands from his fellow justices on siding with the plaintiffs. 

The lawyers and executives of Myriad Genetics were unavailable for comment after the ruling as the District of Columbia Fire Department has yet to locate them in the chasm in the floor and earth they were standing on. Fire Chief Gabriel suggested that they might be more productively sought in China. 

Despite the disappearance of the defendants the ruling was not without critics who as usual spoke on the condition of anonymity.

"What's the use of having all this breast cancer if no one can make a buck on it? Myriad worked hard to isolate this gene and identify its mutations. This process is protected as a unique process in law and they deserve to price half the women in the country out of a life saving test."

"My wife's breasts belong to her father. That was made perfectly clear in our courtship. They're Korean and I think we have too little respect for corporations which are not individuals but the real families in this country."

"20th Century Fox owned Jayne Mansfield's and Marilyn Monroe's breasts just like Universal owned Mamie Van Doren's. I don't know where average women get off thinking their breasts are theirs. We have a constitution in this country."

"This is the only way those pathetic geeks could have ever gotten their hands on some women's breasts."

Don Arrup

Satire1