Beach Blanket Bunko

Early 60's teen idol Frankie Avalon testified under oath today in the ninth circuit court of appeals in California that he participated in what some public intellectuals are referring to as perhaps the biggest cultural Ponzi scheme perpetrated in the Twentieth Century. Avalon admitted that he accepted cash enumerations to portray himself as a teenager on spring break pursuing the late Annette Funicello though both were happily married and raising children with their spouses. 

The entire ruse was filmed at Big Sur in 1962 as part of a bogus documentary released to the American public under the title Beach Party, a study of California surfing culture. Aided by former Playboy centerfolds and sons of washed up Hollywood has beens, American International Archeological Pictures continued the series of seven propaganda films portraying California teenagers as fun loving, horny erotic dancers and athletes who might break into song at any moment. 

The Golden State Tourism Board has been under investigation for fifty years since the release of Beach Party as questions arose to Avalon's and Funicello's actual ages, the proliferation of perfect bodies and the source of the background accompaniment to the extemporaneous singing. The FBI and Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Bikinis has retired agents whose entire careers were spent in hunting down the still elusive Big Daddy.

So successful was the scam that other big player con men enlisted Nancy Sinatra, Bob Denver and James Darren to lie about their age and submit to phony home movies of their beach and surfing exploits. An entire genre of popular music took over the airwaves created by suburban kids who had never even seen the ocean and commanded the top of the charts until the Beatles (four British virgins who had never been to second base) invaded with their four part harmony love songs. 

Avalon, who had testified under immunity, afterward told the press that it was only the passing of Funicello last year that allowed him to consider going to the authorities and finally put the controversy to rest. 

"It was a heavy burden to bear for half a century but we did it for love. For love of the music, for Southern California but most of all for love of the money."

Family members of Funicello confessed that Walt Disney was treating Annette like a rented mule after she busted out of her Mickey Mouse Club sweater and that after a childhood spent on the deception and depravity of the big ears Annette needed a new lie, an even bigger lie to smother the shame of the first. 

Avalon went on to admit that he had never surfed in his life and that the scientific evidence presented to the public was done with a back screen similar to the technique used in movie making. 

This revelation comes as a god send to the descendants of Eric Von Zipper whose garden cycle club fought heroically throughout the process to expose the scam. 

Don Arrup

Satire1