Call To War

President Obama addressed the nation in his weekly radio address on the Top Dollars For Your Gold and Cartoon Network channels on Tuesday morning.

"Good morning. I would like to take this time to inform the American people that I have ordered the armed forces of the United States to invade the territories of Alaska and Hawaii in a pre-emptive strike against their imperial masters Russia and Japan. I want the American people to understand that this decision was not made lightly or in haste. I have had three full bowel movements since the proposal to plunge us into war with what were intended to be our forty-ninth and fiftieth states was made. 

Now, I know, some of you are asking yourselves, why declare war on two areas that we kinda think of as being a part of this country. But are they? Alaska is northern Puerto Rico, a huge welfare state and black hole for the tax dollars of the lower forty eight, politically controlled by an oil company, where the inhabitants practice rugged individualism while living off of kickbacks from the billions we invested in the pipeline. 

And Hawaii? Come on. No one is from Hawaii. No one ever was from Hawaii. They were a small group of flop islands for Pacific Islanders and Pirates since men first got in boats. The whole magilla is nothing more than a tourist rest stop between the Americas and Philippines. That's why anyone who has no idea where they were born says they're from Hawaii- including myself. 

This wasn't an easy decision to make. The White House has been in consultation with the leaders of both parties in Congress who agree that if either had an NFL or NBA team they could spared. But their continued presence within striking distance of our shores must be addressed and the American people's safety is always our top priority.

The potential benefits of an invasion, followed by an expulsion of the squatting populations, are almost too numerous to list. First, this will send a clear message to Russia that their policy of arming Syria and Iran will not be tolerated. To Japan, that the theft of factory jobs from American corporations in China must end. To the world financial community that the federal government is willing to make the necessary sacrifices by axing both a solid red and solid blue state in a spirit of true bipartisanship. And to the world that America can still actually win a war despite having history's largest and most expensive military.    

As I speak the Pacific Naval Task Force in Pearl Harbor has all but closed the noose on the ports of Hawaii as the Second Marine Division lands on the beaches of Honolulu. The Air Force's Strategic Bomber Command is leveling Fairbanks and Juno in Alaska as the Army marches up into Canada to join forces with their army to end the threat to our mutual borders. 

The full force of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization is being mobilized to supply the sunscreen and fur coats our troops will need to bring this crisis to a successful and complete conclusion. Not since the Great War of Grenada has the resolve of the American people been so tested. We can't fix any of our real problems so it is time to make up problems we can fix. 

So go to your nearest convenience store and treat yourself to a tall cool drink and a bag of candy and shoot anyone who doesn't look like you. Thank you and God bless America."

Don Arrup

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