Halloween Horror Schedule 2013

FOX NEWS SCREAM FEST

4pm   Cruz To Nowhere

6pm   Tea Party Challenger

8pm   Rush To Limbaugh

10pm  Tomb Of The Entitlements

12am  The Severed Elephant

MSNBC HORRORWEEN

4pm   You Can Keep Your Health Care Plan

6pm   Syria Don't Dare

8pm   Sequestration

10pm  Baron Boehner's Blood Bath

12am  Return Of The Grizzly Mom

Don Arrup

Satire1

Sequestration Forecast

Hello, I'm Pooh Clark with today's weather forecast. The National Weather Service though heavily defunded and downsized reports that there still will be weather today with chances of sun, clouds and precipitation. Precipitation could come in the form of rain, freezing rain, snow, hail or sleet. Winds are expected to come from somewhere with a grandmother's advisory of possible winter storms, hurricanes, tornados, floods, lightning and wildfires. So be sure to wear clothing before leaving your home.

A travel advisory is still in effect for anyone going anywhere as traffic lights, toll booths, railroads and air ports are being operated on the honor system. Arriving planes at municipal airports will be given clearance in alphabetical order using the first letter of the pilot's middle name. 

Sunrise should take place sometime this morning in the East and linger over the Northern Hemisphere for twelve hours before setting in the West this evening. The Moon may or may not be visible tonight. No large meteors or comets are expected to arrive in the next twenty-four hours. 

Temperatures could range between minus 459 degrees Fahrenheit (Absolute zero) and 10 million (Sun surface). But most meteorologists are confident that we will experience fluctuations in the comfortable middle recorded range of minus 128 F and 134. So go out in a bikini but bring along that parka just in case it gets chilly.

With Fall just around the corner the precise moment of the Autumnal Equinox in your area can be calculated by standing a chicken egg on its head. The same method the country's leaders in Washington are using to balance the federal budget.

So before we go to commercial break let's talk briefly about yesterday's weather and when we come back we'll go over the entire weather picture for last week and we even have the temperatures.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Fall Movies 2013

Bears Eating Babies 2

Bless Me Father But Don't Touch Me

There Will Be Cum

Violence, The Movie

I Lost My Cellphone!

Tweet Story

That's Not My Leg

Super Something

Gay Marriage- The Rehearsal Dinner

Teenage Girl Saves World Not Worth Saving

Gestapo Nights

Satan Has A Facebook Page

Sorority Slaughter

High School Football Assholes

Cute Cartoon In Trouble

Cute Cartoon In More Trouble

Life On Earth Is Over (Documentary)

Big Car

To Mock A Killing Bird

Don Arrup

Satire1

Paw And Maw Santo

Satire1 visited Squeezebox, Nebiowadaho to talk to America's farmers Paw and Maw Santo who subsist by selling only 85-93% of the corn, soybean, cotton and canola seeds in the country about the legal persecution they've been suffering at the hands of family and organic farmers who use the wind to steal their patented seeds. 

Maw

"Paw and I have spent years using the Bible and the Constitution of the United States to change the genes of our crops to resist communism, atheism, vermin and the poison we sell for pin money and here all these hippies and families with their few hundred acres think they can just steal our seeds and not pay us."

Paw

"There's over 3,000 of these thieves organized by some lawyers into a mafia to stop us from claiming what is rightfully ours forcing us to get by on just eleven billion a year and what with inflation and cable costs going up-"

Maw

"-if you want to see the good shows on TV."

Paw

"You tell him, Maw."

Maw

"And we only have about 40 Senators and a couple of hundred Congressmen at our troth and what with Jews and Puerto Ricans and other radicals on the Supreme Court I don't see how a little family corporation like ours is to have a chance.

Paw

"This is the same court telling women they own their own breasts."

Maw

"This is why girls in Los Angeles are going around without bras."

Paw

"Spreading their breast cancer like influenza among the unsuspecting population."

Maw

"That's why even nuns and widows are getting it now."

Paw

"They think those pink ribbons are going to protect them."

Maw

"The color pink is a carcinogen."

Paw

"And it turns people gay."

Maw

"Even if they're married. And all these gay couples getting married and having gay babies who won't eat our corn."

Paw

"Pink is really just communist red whitewashed to seduce teenage girls into spreading their legs for FaceBook and these other meat market white slavery sites on the internet."

Maw

"It's anti-corn is what it is."

Paw

"We sell white corn, blue corn, yellow and Indian corn seeds but we won't make no pink corn seeds."

Maw

"Like those Castro people did down in Florida with the god fearing yellow grapefruit."

Paw

"And our pesticide only poisons the socialists and illegal immigrants that steal work from struggling Americans."

Maw

"Those Hispanics ought to go back to Spain where they belong."

Paw

"Those lawyers and hippies want to use their grandfather's seeds when God gave the grain seeds to Maw and me to improve and be fruitful with."

Maw

"They're saying the wind put our seeds in their fields. Well, we don't have no contract with the wind."

Paw

"All part of their Global Warming scam to rob struggling multinationals out of the meager living they eke out of the world's resources."

Maw

"The bunch of bullies."

Paw

"So you go on down to your local farmers market and ask them if they use our seeds."

Maw

"And if they don't you tell them to stop stealing from Paw and me."

Paw

"And stop giving us breast cancer and making our babies gay."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Date Night

As the United Nations General Assembly Circus continues President Obama missed his hand job with Iranian President Hassan Rouhani but did give him a call when he was on his way home from the prom.

Ob

"Hey Hass, whassup."

Ro

"Just chillin, Bammy."

Ob

"How'd you like world jam?"

Ro

"Chow was good but there's never enough chicks at these things."

Ob

"Your translator looked fine."

Ro

"Yeah, stacked too but I can get a translator back home. You know, in New York a guy wants some strange."

Ob

"Why do you think I finished out my undergrad at Columbia."

Ro

"What did you major in at Columbia?"

Ob

"Alcohol."

Ro

"You and Bushy. I know that is the most popular major in your country but in Persia we don't drink alcohol. But we have hookie."

Ob

"I majored in hookie in high school."

Ro

"Hookie is very nice. Only thing better than hookie is nookie."

Ob

"Well, you've got that right. Look, Hass, I would have invited you to my crib for some interns but since Bill-"

Ro

"I know all about it. Jewish girl on her knees five times a day and not praying to Allah."

Ob

"The good old days."

Ro

"You should have been in Tehran for the revolution."

Ob

"The Americans there didn't feel very welcome."

Ro

"But that was a long time ago. Like a blow job. When it's over it's over. Nothing happened."

Ob

"Yeah, but Hezbollah-"

Ro

"There's a lot of angry people. I can't do anything about that. My government has a lot of angry people.  Just like your government. You want to be president you need crazy people's vote. I need. You need."

Ob

"True enough. But the nuclear thing."

Ro

"Ah, the nuclear thing. I knew you were going to bring that up."

Ob

"Like a boner on a honeymoon-"

Ro

"Once it comes up it ain't going away. We all understand this."

Ob

"Any ideas?"

Ro

"So you, Bammy, have thousands of nuclear weapons, on missiles, in planes, submarines and artillery shells and you're afraid we're going to make a couple of fat boys."

Ob

"We have them so we don't have to use them,"

Ro

"Right. You explain to people of Japan. So we need same. We need them so we won't use them."

Ob

"You have Russia to cover your ass."

Ro

"We have Pooty. Pooty is our umbrella. Soon as Pooty goes anything goes. And Israel still has."

Ob

"We need you to follow the treaty."

Ro

"First you make Israel follow treaty. When Israel follows and inspectors find all their nukes then we agree."

Ob

"Ain't gunna happen."

Ro

"Ancient Israel was around for maybe four grandfathers, five at most. And this was before Mohamed. Then they come back after Hitler's killed and want it back. This is like a postman who knocked on your door and asked to use the bathroom. You let him. Forty years later he's retired. No bag. No uniform. He knocks on your door again and claims your bathroom is his because he took a dump there forty years ago."

Ob

"But JC was born there."

Ro

"JC was a very great prophet, the Koran gives him much praise, but he was a Roman Jew not an Israeli Jew."

Ob

"They ain't going away, Haas."

Ro

"This is why we need nuclear bomb. Pooty comes. Pooty goes. Even if Israel gives up all its nukes they still have you. Who Iran got?"

Ob

"Iran has Israel coming for them. Believe it or not, I'm the best friend you've got."

Ro

"I have Revolutionary Guard. You have Tea Party. I can't control Revolutionary Guard. Can you control Tea Party? And then you have Benji. Benji says Iran threatens Israel and all he does is threaten Iran."

Ob

"Well, your predecessor Afterdinnerjacket said something about wiping Israel out."

Ro

"He was Revolutionary Guard. I'm liberal. Do I hold you to what Bushy said?"

Ob

"This is all a tease, Hass, which is fine since I'm outside your neighborhood but pretty soon Benji is going to demand you put out or he'll put you out."

Ro

"What's your point, Bammy?"

Ob

"Even the American people realize that there is nothing I or anyone in our gang can do to control this. Things are crazy right now-"

Ro

"You don't have to tell me."

Ob

"I'm glad we're talking but there is nothing I can do if there isn't some action soon."

Don Arrup

Satire1