Looney

Starting today the Moon will be rising increasingly later in the night while sunset barely adds minutes to the day. This annual catastrophe first noted by the ancient Aztecs and Egyptians millenniums ago and referred to by scientists by the astrological term "fucked up" leaves our planet alone in the visible sky for as far as Mars. 

Expect during these black empty hours:

Republicans and Democrats to disagree on almost everything

Married couples to have conflicting priorities with each other and their children

Socks will only match in color and size

Heavy toilet usage

Inane and uninspired television broadcasts

Heavy traffic at pornographic and video game web sites

No one listening to anyone else

Teenagers staring unblinking at their phones

Inexplicable rectum itch

Ungodly foot odor

These dangerous and unpredictably vulnerable hours will increase until Thursday, January 30th with the New Moon and the Earth will be alone in its orbit for the entire night. Though this phenomena will repeat itself in February with the lengthening days it will not be as long or severe. 

Satire1 interviewed the nation's top scientists, philosophers, religious leaders and politicians all who provided their quotes anonymously.

"We spent the cream of this country's resources in the 1960s to get a handful of fighter pilots up there and kick the Moon's ass and all they did was whack a couple of golf balls and come back for their parades."

"Kennedy and Nixon promised us a full moon every night- the only time I can ever get any ass- and we plunk a flag on the crud ball and nothing's changed."

"Where does the Moon go? To hang out with the other moons around Jupiter and Saturn?"

"God was always messing around with the Moon in Biblical days. But he's got a lot more juice,"

"I say blow the damn thing up. We've got the technology. I'm tired beating up the Earth. Fresh meat is what we need."

"The Moon used to be a part of the Earth back when the Earth was still a hot mud pie. Some big angry asteroid whacks a corner off and boom we've got a Moon. I'll admit that the Moon is a pain in the ass but look at Mars with no moon. It wobbles like drunk on roller skates. We don't need that here."

Don Arrup

Satire1