Resolved

I don’t need a reason to kill you. I have religion.

I don’t need a reason to shoot you. I have the 2cd Amendment.

I don’t need a reason to believe you. I read Satire1.

Ahmen.

Don Arrup

Satire1

ISIS Complains U.S. Is Too Easy A Target

Two boys with pressure cookers beat Tom Brady

The nation’s power grid could be taken out with a flyswatter

Bridges collapse before they can be blown up

Detroit

Massacres are commonplace

Donald Trump

Virulent strains of political correctness

Baltimore

Threats of reality shows being syndicated

Cleveland

Boat People bio pics

Twitter

They mentioned Donald Trump twice

And Baltimore

Don Arrup

Satire1

Zombies Sue Over Excessive Force

The United Fraternities and Sororities of the Undead filed papers in federal court in Manhattan over the use of excessive force routinely employed by law enforcement officers and models on their membership. Citing the uproar over a police officer shooting a knife yielding youth in Chicago, the UFSU holds that the sixteen shots and the little “corpse dance” it produced was merely a macabre parody of the abusive treatment zombies suffer everyday on the streets and fields of this nation.

“Ugh blah whum mah mum mum,” said third zombie from the left with one eye. “Muwah humb fugh amn duvf.” 

New York Mayor Bill De Blasio who faces an uphill election and had garnered little of the undead vote last time, agreed. “My administration is committed to seeing justice served to both the living and the undead whether it’s the vampires on Wall Street, has been movie and television stars on Broadway or the Haitian community.”

Zombies originated on the island of Haiti where supposed Voodoo priests poisoned workers causing significant damage to the cognition portions of their brains rendering them thoughtless slaves. It wasn’t until the 1950’s that extraterrestrials began resurrecting our recent dead to murder the living. As the general public took increasing delight in witnessing zombies demise the demand for more zombies outstripped supply and serial killers and rouge police officers began killing living suspects with the excess once reserved for zombies.

“Alive or dead, a body is going to move as long as you are pumping shells into it,” said NYPD Chief Bratton. “An inexperienced officer forgets this and the mambo de muerto doesn’t end until he empties his gun.”

“I think ISIS is just a great big Muslim zombie gang,” said Donald Trump. “That’s why when I become president I’m going to nuke them every day until they find Jesus.”

“I’m sure the Muslim zombie community is well represented within ISIS or ISIL’s leadership and higher ranks,” said Former Everything Hilary Clinton. “But since our intelligence is sparse and I’ve never negotiated with them I’ll limit my assessment to a few wonky cliches.”

“These African American men and boys running away, driving away and walking away from our police officers to intimidate them and threaten communities must be stopped,” Trump continued. “They’re all Malcolm X Muslims and controlled by Voodoo clerics and chicken swinging mullahs. If ISIS and zombies are in Baghdad and Paris then they’re definitely in Cleveland and Baltimore.”

“I’m going to bring back all those black pastors who disagreed with me and give them what they really need to save the souls of their flocks: machetes and machine guns.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Turkey Bowl

Putin’s Panthers vs Obama Lay Backs

PP’s aerial attack was overwhelming OL until an offsides penalty stalls drive. PP continues to protest the call but Turkey refs have turned a deaf ear.

Trump Thunder Tongues vs Texas Ted’s Cruisers

Big Apple attitude offense drowned out Ten Gallon Hat D but with his volume at its highest Trump’s running game may not have anywhere to go. 

Califate Cowboys vs NATO Yoyos

CC squanders early gains in ground game with long pass into opponent’s territory stiffening resolve in NY’s defense.

Hillary’s Hillbillies vs Sander’s Socialists

HH continues to draw flags while moving ball closer to goal but can’t keep Sanders from hanging around.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Reign of Error

The House of Representatives passed the America Safe Act today which requires any emigre from Syria or Iraq to sit on the lap of the Director of the FBI or Homeland Security before being given a lollipop.

President Francois Hollande of France called for changes to their Constitution to allow unreasonable searches and seizures and for blanket authority to detain suspects in house arrest.

Maximilien Robespierre and Louis Antoine de Saint-Just have been resurrected out of retirement to form a New Millennium Committee of Public Safety.

“Why should the French people suffer this foreign terror when we were the ones who invented terror?” President Hollande asks. “Those disgruntled with our way of life are free to complain to Madame Guillotine.”

While on the campaign trail:

“Syria is just far eastern Mexico,” Donald Trump explained. “To the south they’re all drug dealers and to the east they’re all religious fanatics. Same brown people. Same hot sand.”

“America has made a promise. Okay, the black Harvard guy did,” said Obama. “But let me ask the American people this: do we want to be murdered by recent Middle Eastern emigres or do we want to be slaughtered by homegrown maniacs with access to arsenals?”

“Americans have the right to kill Americans and to be killed by Americans,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “American terrorists should have first crack at the American people. This rushing in Middle East thugs while the pickings are still good infuriates me. What did we buy all these guns for if not to shoot each other?”

“The French consume way too much dairy products,” said First Lady Michelle Obama. “Squeezing a pound of butter into every croissant is just madness. And croissant is just French for crescent and the crescent moon and a star is the symbol of Islam. If the moon is made of cheese the symbol of Islam is telling you to cut down. And the French wouldn’t do that so they cut the French down.”

“This is a nation of immigrants and if we truly are the land of opportunity and equality than I say anyone who comes here legally has an equal right to kill us.” said former governor Jeb Bush. “Only I would as a Christian prefer to be murdered by a fellow Christian.”

“Infallible YouTube predicts Manhattan is the next Paris but ISIS can’t murder us anymore dead than Al Qaeda did," said former this and that Hilary Clinton. "So what’s the big deal?”

Don Arrup 

Satire1

Appsland Uber Alles

New York City Mayor Bill De Something Brooklyn announced today that his administration would stop trying to limit the growth of the Axis Powers App Uber which operates under the cover of an internet car service. Rather than lose more police officers in shoot outs with the outlaw black ops cars, DeBlazio purposes using negotiations and armored vehicles to steer Uber drivers into the more socially acceptable sidelines of drug dealing and gun running.

Complaints from NYC taxi medallion owners grew as the unregulated Uber drivers began taking over unauthorized organ harvesting and the kidnapping of white babies to sell to China. “I’ve gotten rides at the height of rush hour when it is impossible to get a yellow cab in Manhattan,” said Bernice Bloblot, “but I’m down both kidneys and a lung at this point.”

“My account wasn’t charged a penny on the ride where they took my baby,” said Pookie Whigurl, “in fact, the man on the phone saw to it that I got extra credit and was guaranteed a free ride to the hospital next time I break water.”

“Internal organs theft and the redistribution of white babies has always been a carefully regulated pillar in the New York City economy through the taxi medallion system,” said the mayor. “Though some of the west coast cities have chosen incarceration or even extermination as the preferred method of dealing with the cancerous growth of internet enabled vehicular outlaws, New York City is riding the new wave. We’d arrest you if you didn’t have so many lawyers; lock you up if our jails weren’t so overcrowded; kill you if we didn’t need the ride.”

Uber Technologies Inc. was founded as an American International transportation network company by two cyber thugs in 2009 to run sex slaves and stolen babies around San Francisco. Quickly expanding across major U.S. cities, Uber soon was offering its service anywhere on the globe where depravity and inhuman appetites had funding. 

Widely criticized for offenses to every cultural norm, Uber defends its record of blackmail, kidnapping, murder and gossip. “When you used to get a ride from your parents didn’t they own you? Control you body and soul? Take you where they approved whether you did or not? asked Lawyer General Whackoff Wycoff, Esq. “All under the auspices of that nefarious fantasy of the dark analog ages called Love.”

“At Uber we will not lie to you. We have no interest in your confidence, satisfaction or loyalty. We want your money, your body, your organs and your babies.”

Uber has suggested that it might consider compromise with uber market NYC. Offers to kidnap babies of all colors and boys and transexuals along with young women could bring the mayor and City Council on board. Religious minorities have requested that internal organs not be taken on high holy days and during the World Series in the two participating cities. “We just want to prevent a double tragedy for fans who could lose the World Series and a kidney on the same day.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Halloween TV Schedule 2015

Fox 

12pm   Paul Ryan in Screamer of the House

3pm     Donald Trump in The Mouth That Wouldn’t Die

6pm     Ben Carson in Prescription for Chaos

9pm     Carly Fiorina in The Incredible Shrinking Woman

12am    Jeb Bush in Ghost of the Front Runner

MSNBC

 12pm   Bernie Sanders in There is a Specter haunting Europe

3pm      Martin O’Malley in Was He Ever Even There?

6pm      Hilary Clinton in Return of the Wronged Woman

9pm      Joe Biden in Joe Biden

12am    Review of Obama Years (Not suitable for taxpayers under 1040)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Don Arrup

Satire1

Ohhh Canada

Justin Trudeau, the leader of Canada’s Liberal Party and Christmas Baby of former Prime Minister Lucky Pierre Trudeau, won in a landslide Monday as the ruling Conservative Party lost 60 seats and its coalition bitch New Democratic Party’s meager gains couldn’t begin to make up the difference.

Current PM Stephan Harper and his Conservatives reigned terror and responsibility on our northern neighbors for nine years balancing budgets on the backs of operatic farm girls and underpaid Mounties while feeding the cream of Canadian entertainers into the jaws of Southern California. 

As American politicians deplore the invasion from the north of British and French immigrants who refuse to speak American and learn our lack of manners, Harper conspired to economically cooperate with Mexico and dissolve the borders of the United States until it becomes “a highway system between urban theme parks and historic malls” prompting President Obama to ask Congress to declare the two neighboring countries friendship “on hold.” 

As the Red Maple Leaf continues to ravage our bordering states and claim the Great Lakes as their own, incoming PM Trudeau promises along with Mexico to reduce its bigger brother to “the crack in North America’s ass.”

Analysts on both sides of the border agree that Harper and his party lost because most Canadians didn’t vote for them. The elections came just a week after the Canadian Thanksgiving Holiday (celebrated six weeks earlier to monopolize the fattest birds in the hemisphere) and marks the two hundred and third anniversary of the Canadian destruction of Detroit which is scheduled to be rebuilt right after New Orleans and Afghanistan. 

Minor corruption scandals like Senators accepting ice cream cones and hand jobs in the halls of power (“We keep it friendly here”) contributed to the Conservatives fall. Prime Minister Designate Trudeau was born on Christmas Day, 1971, three years after his father’s electoral sweep. He claims his election is a mandate to “take down the 48 that have been up our ass forever and make them the whoopee cushion for far western socialism.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Over the Din

The Constitution of the United States states “The House of Representatives shall chuse (their spelling not mine) their Speaker and other Officers; and shall have the sole power of Impeachment.” This line ends Section 2 of Article 1 which describes the powers, election of and functions of the House. There is no reference to any of the powers of this “Speaker” or who might hold the office or even if it need be a member of the House. 

Though House Democrats have always automatically voted in their party leader, the Republicans have not. This opens the door to a far wider range of candidates which only Satire1 will share with you.

Donald Trump

Has said that he would be happy to run the House while he campaigns for the Presidency and plans to retain the position if elected President. Since the Constitution doesn’t prohibit it, Trump says that he would be the perfect two for one candidate. 

Lady GaGa

Claims to have both the voice to be heard over the chaos and the legs to kick reps in line. “I won’t need the House whip,” the chantreuse exclaimed. “I’m bringing in my mentor, Madonna, to crack the leather and put the brass back into the brassiere.”

Bill Cosby

“I’d talk to the women of the House first and the wives of some of these clowns. I just need some one on one time alone and I think we can really get down to it.”

Bill Clinton

“I have no hard feelings for those who impeached me. It was a different time and I think with me as their Speaker I could represent them well at the breakfast table when my wife’s elected.”

Stephen Colbert

“The Constitution doesn’t require that the Speaker be anywhere near Washington or even be alive or a human being. I could run this House of Representatives from my Late Show desk and address them in my monologues.”

Bill Belichick

“If I let all the hot air out of this Congress it would be more than enough to provide an atmosphere for Mars.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Church Vs Pizza

Explaining that since pizza is not mentioned in the Bible and God, apparently, doesn’t approve of the tomato and cheese corrupted flat bread, Pope Trump (he tired of the United States Presidency after two years and twelve wars) has declared that the eating of pizza or similar perversions of the same ingredients (stromboli, calzone, pizza bagels and bites) will be considered a mortal sin beginning the Monday after the Super Bowl. “Even Jesus might have a slice if his Saints make it in again,” the pontiff exclaimed.

The newly appointed Jewish Pope or “Rad Rabbi” spoke from the Super Synagogue in True Israel, Florida declaring that if the pig was circumcised before puberty it could be smoked into Kosher ham. The Futures Market exploded in orders of pork bellies as delicatessens from Manhattan’s Lower East Side to the Jewish strongholds in Montana and Mississippi broke out in bacon wars fought with firearms.

Now that ISIS controls all of the Middle East and Europe, England is the new Israel in isolation. Scotland, which was always secretly Muslim, broke out in Scotch plaid burkhas and the red beard boys had to drop the hem on their kilts to Saudi Sand Sweeps. Thames telly premieres the new Brit-Com about the life of the Prophet Mohammed called “Work for your Wife” to rave reviews and suicide bombers. 

The Supreme Court of the United States found that the different denominations of Protestant Christianity are not religious organizations since they failed to abuse and sexually exploit their children. Catholic, Muslim and Jewish clergy testified to the continuing hypocrisy of Protestants following their creed. “They’re just trying to make us look bad in front of God.”

Four National Football League defensive linemen were given the death penalty for touching a quarterback Monday. They will be decapitated during halftime of the Sunday Night Football game. Lawsuits continue to be filed against the league by former players claiming chronic helmet hair and inability to dance without scoring a touchdown.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Camptown Races

Which would you prefer in Hilary Rodham Clinton’s basement?

-- S&M Discipline Guest Room

-- Closet Mosque

-- Pedophilia Hall of Fame

--Underground Urban Lesbian Potato Farm

-- Waffen-SS Gun and Memorabilia Collection

-- 20,000 shoes

-- Towels from every hotel, palace, military base, school, home and flop house she’s stayed at

-- World’s largest Severe Brassiere collection

-- A personal internet server containing all the country’s security and nuclear weapon codes and           all the entries of her husband’s little black book

Don Arrup

Satire1

Volkswagen Is Just The Tip of The Iceberg

So Volkswagen admitted they lied 11 million times in the last few years with their jerry rigged emissions software? It’s Europe. Wouldn’t make the top 10 list here.

MONSANTO ADMITS THEIR CORN ISN’T FOOD

It isn’t even crap which at least would be fecal matter and organic 

FOX ADMITS REALITY SHOWS AREN’T ENTERTAINMENT

Gossip with video or mediocre singers judging bad ones 

NURSING HOMES ADMIT THEY DON’T OFFER CARE

Grandma would be better off parked in a Pet Motel

DRUG COMPANIES ADMIT THEY DON’T OFFER CURES

If this placebo doesn’t work we always have a more expensive one

POLITICIANS ADMIT THEY HAVE NO ANWERS

That’s why they never stop talking

SCHOOLS ADMIT THEY DON’T EDUCATE KIDS

Kids don’t want to know and who can blame them?

Don Arrup

Satire1

  

Pope Arrives Too Late To Save Yogi

Pope Francis arrived in New York yesterday afternoon just 46 hours too late to save the church’s secret envoy Cardinal Yogi Berra from the savage grammarians who had pledged to kill him on National Punctuation Day Thursday. The Pope addressed reporters on the steps of Saint Patrick’s Cathedral on Fifth Avenue:

“This whole trip was scheduled especially to confront the faceless evil that wields the red pen and destroys the futures of those who do not use perfect English.”

The Pope went on to pledge that he will canonize the undercover Cardinal who’s divine tongue caused chaos and suicide in English departments throughout American Academia.

Lawrence Peter Berra was born in St. Louie in 1925. In 1942, he was recruited along with his buddy and neighbor Joe Garagiola by their hometown Cardinals to play professional baseball. Joe was offered a $500 signing bonus while Yogi, under a secret arrangement made by the Catholic Church and the Divine Spirit of St. Louis, was offered only $250. The snub was only a cover for Berra to be inducted into the Vatican’s College of Cardinals which had not been fielding a team since the global conflict began. The supposed talent scout for the New York Yankees then spirited Berra into Italy which was controlled by Mussolini’s Fascists at the time. 

Getting a first hand look at the evil system in Italy and in two clandestine forays into Germany and Austria, Berra began to draw the parallels between European fascism and American Educational Dogmatism and Anglophilia. While books were being burned under Hitler in Germany, text books began to tyrannize both adults and children in America by setting strict limitations on their use of the “Mother Tongue.” Local expressions and pronunciations were being spelled out of existence as grandparents were condemned as ignorant and unschooled.

In schools teachers enforced the organizing of written thoughts into sentences and paragraphs- demanding that theses display a beginning, middle and end so that even our thoughts and minds were being imprisoned in a biological model of generation and mortality that denied eternity and salvation.

English, once a living language, spoken and created daily by the greatest geniuses of humankind- Shakespeare, Bacon (also the greatest breakfast of humankind), Johnson and Johnson (Ben and Sam before the baby powder) was being reduced into the croak of corpses imposing their arbitrary, elitist cacophony on the masses in an attempt to shut them up. Literacy had been hijacked by self appointed and tenured “professors” of the language. Words not organized according to the dictates of the English dictators were dismissed summarily as incorrect or ungrammatical.     

More recently arrived ethnic groups surrendered their children to the government for indoctrination. Rather than enriching communication and contributing to the creation of a truly American language, immigrants buckled to Anglophiles and the minority Anglo-Americans whose senseless, inconsistent bastard language English which now, thanks to the dons of Oxbridge, was deader than Sanskrit.  

Cardinal Berra knew that with the entire world on fire America was its only hope so he returned home and joined the United States Navy. Under the cover of a seaman second class, Berra sailed to India. Reasoning that the rigidity of the English language was manifesting in its speakers as a muscular rigidity throughout the body, Berra undertook the study of health improvement in one of the six schools of orthodox Hinduism known as Yoga. The British were already near rigor mortis in their posture and movement so Berra sought to release the body in order to release the tongue and, hopefully, the soul.

After mastering the subtleties of Hatha yoga and manning an attack boat on Omaha Beach, Berra returned to the New York after the war and got a job that offered constant travel and exposure to the public- the two key ingredients for his strategy to introduce and indoctrinate the American public as to the virtues of physical flexibility and abdominal breathing. His ministry took him to all the major cities in the country where he proved popular with local reporters. Soon his quotations were circulated along with pictures of the Cardinal in Eastern inspired sitting positions and squats. His signature crouching posture between the official and ball slapper probably became the first recognizable yoga posture in the United States and was imitated by others in his profession. Thus, Cardinal Berra became known as “Yogi.”

Realizing that the national media of his time was enslaved by the Chicago Manual of Style, Cardinal Yogi didn’t attempt to preach the liberation of soul and body but designed subtle and brilliant semantic riddles or koans to tie up the grammarians while directly addressing the deepest reaches of the human spirit. “It ain’t over till it’s over. If you see a fork in the road, take it.” though grammatically correct they explode the insidious, underlying intention of grammar: to control and limit the thought and expression of the masses.

Cardinal Yogi used his life, his body, his words and even his face to break the suffocating stranglehold of “proper usage.” Like a myth manifested in pinstripes, Yogi’s entire being was a poem of freedom and expression and with his loss “the future ain’t what it used to be.”

Some will miss Yogi for his contribution to New York baseball at which he was rumored to be adept.

Goodbye, Yogi

Don Arrup

Satire1

  

   

  

Mickey Jack

As thousands of animals and non biological creatures continue to pour into the Upper West Side of Manhattan in search of the sanctuary of Sesame Street, Mickey Monster continues his extermination of the non rodent population of Disneyland and World. Former Governor and Republican Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush declines responsibility and points to his repeated warning that the state within his state of Florida known as Disney World was on the edge of genocidal ethnic cleansing.  

“When the Mouse was first thrown out in a coup in Disneyland inside California and came to D World in our state I begged Obama to protect the puppets and talking insects. But Obama has been so hands off that soon Bambi and Jiminy Cricket were burning in the hearth where Pinocchio was the timber.”

Donald Trump dismissed the crisis as a common corporate makeover. “Bambi, Thumper, the Little Mermaid. These are not Americans we’re talking about. Pinocchio is Italian and I don’t know what North Korean province Frozen takes place in. CEO Micky has every right to purge these deadbeat freeloaders from his payroll. I can tell you Walt wouldn’t bat an eye the second the sales of any of these cartoon images dipped.”

Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina disagreed. “It was a blood bath in Anaheim when Goofy slaughtered Micky’s top management to take over the helm. Wall Street had written MM off until he popped up at Disney World with Warren Buffet’s Berkshire Hathaway shares and a handful of hedge funds from Hell’s backing. Soon Goofy was in the same doghouse as Pluto and that dog isn’t even considered a planet anymore.”

Mayor de Blasio has declared a state of emergency as New Jersey and Delaware continue to allow the river of storybook, toy store, oceanic and space critters to migrate through on their way to the Children’s Television Workshop home just north of Lincoln Center. Kermit the Frog, considered by most experts on organized crime to be the Godfather of the Muppets, commented on the invasion. 

“Sesame Street is one block in Manhattan and the Children’s Television Workshop has a studio the size of a soccer field in Queens. Just where do all these cartoons think they’re going? Not only do we not have room for them but we market to a completely different demographic. Its Educational Toys vs Just Shut Your Screaming Kid Up shit. Two totally different cultures.”

President Obama answered the criticism in his weekly radio address.

“Look, the United States has always had sovereign nations within the borders of our states. The Native American tribes we didn’t completely wipe out have reservations. And like our former base in Panama and current base in Cuba which were both established by gunboat treaty, the United States enjoys a presence up the ass of other countries. Disneyland and Disney World are unique in that they represent an invasion and seduction that allowed the dictator Walt Disney to experiment with bio systems where small mammals were allowed greater freedom of expression to use language and dress in clothes. Marine, birds, monsters, space and even common household objects soon petitioned for their own existence and were tolerated in a multi-reality animated universe which now, unfortunately, has collapsed into unspeakable horror.”

“Our intelligence agencies and the Pentagon carefully monitored these Disney islands since they are within our borders and apart of our economy. Mr. Mouse set about isolating and exterminating the fairy godmothers, good witches, friendly wizards and other forces of tolerance and democracy before beginning his final solution to the multi-species cartoon. Since we have no jurisdiction in the territories under Mickey’s control, I have called on the United Nations who decline to become involved in entertainment issues.”

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Zombone

The reason zombies are so popular is because that is what we have become. Just look at our presidential candidates. There is not a single candidate in either party who is not talking to zombies. Deportation, Persian nukes, Cigar Island follies, Kentucky clerk, club basement internet games, fleecing billionaires. The living do not care about this shit. Only zombies get worked up over these undead issues. 

Can we deport our way out of the slightly slower Syria we’ve had on our border for decades? No. Zombie no. If we overturn ObamaCare today will half the country lose weight, start exercising and eat something that came out of the ground? No zombie way.

Can we fix other countries while in the fix we’re in? Democratize Cuba? We can’t bring democracy to Florida. Just let the greenbacks into Havana. There are forces that can withstand and even repel America’s military might but nothing on Earth can withstand American monetary might. The green zombie.

God says zombies can’t get married. Every mall would be empty. You could get a taxi in Times Square. Nobody would be here. Emergency Room waits would be shorter than the time it takes to die. Ka Ching Kung Fu to the higher power of Tiananmen Square. Oh, that’s right. That never happened. We owe China money.

The elections they’re beating our heads with are fifteen months away. That’s longer than most straight marriages last. About the average drag span of your fairly intact space zapped zombie. Zombies used to only live for 90 minutes or 32 episodes at most before they won. Now we have them for the entire election cycle.

I wish somebody- anybody- would cut a fart during the debates and prove they’re not a zombie. Flatulence to a zombie is like a massive heart attack or severe stroke. They’re just a bucket of guts. For them it’s spontaneous combustion. You don’t need a mike down there. Their whole flesh edifice would collapse and they’d still go up in the polls.

Don Arrup

Satire1 

  

Bitch Caesar

In the deepest jungles of Hungry, up the mysterious River Danube, down into the Black Forest, Donald Trump leads Middle Eastern refuges into the rectum of Europe. New York’s biggest billionaire developer, prime time television hit star and Presidential Primaries front runner hides in the world’s spotlight while running the global underground railroad providing escape routes for slaves the world over and sanctuary to war’s dispossessed. 

Donald (Gaelic for “honest”) Not To Be Trump(ed) was born Donald Trump to two parents. Accusations of natural insemination leading to his creation still abound. He grew in height and weight due to eating and breathing. Went to school somewhere. Probably graduated. He both inherited and made money and got laid, married, laid, divorced,  laid, married. Biologically contributed to the birth of offspring.

While rebuilding Wollman skating rink in Central Park in 1987, Donald was approached by three Wise Men who recruited him to spend his free weekends in the jungles of Thailand as a conductor in the SouthEast Asian underground railroad running prepubescent girls out of brothels to international adoption agencies set up in Singapore. Brandishing his organizational skills and fierce competitiveness, Donald soon was dubbed “Harry Tubman” in honor of legendary freedom smuggler Harriet Tubman of Maryland. Though his true identity wasn’t revealed until his recent appearance on Vietnam’s version of “What’s My Line” the price on the head of Harry T was valued at over 10 million dollars. 

“Chump change,” Trump told his Vietnamese audience. “A week’s paycheck for me.”

As the recent discovery of cancer in the brain of former president and peanut farmer Jimmy Carter has led to a mass migration out of the Middle East into Europe, Harry Tub has been once again called in to save Midtown ice skating and the world. 

“I’ve got three months to build a skating path from Syria to Berlin,” T Rump bellowed. “If anyone can jimmy solar panels to freeze nonexistent water it is DT!”

German Fuhrerin Angel Faced Merkel praised Donny boy and chastised Europeans for their xenophobia and Americans for their persecution of Bill Belichick. “I find it hard to believe that after all Europe has been through in the last century that Americans would punish Tom and Billy for letting air out of their balls.”

Financial Markets across the globe reacted to Trump’s advise to China to devalue sex along with their currency. “Tell your daughters to put out. I’m talking to you, Lee and you too, Wu. It’s all made in China anyway.”

Hilary Clinton admitted in an interview on the Public Television News Hour that if the elections were held today she would vote for Trump. “I could just never get my hair to do that. He’s not without his talents.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Trump Citizen Test

1)  Did your ancestors come over on the Mayflower?

2)  Did your ancestors ever stay at the Mayflower Hotel?

3)  Are you the same gender as the Founding Fathers?

4)  Did you ever find your father?

5)  Do you have blond or dirty immigrant hair?

6)  Are you a millionaire, hillbilly or criminal?

7)  Did your ancestors swim over here from Africa 250 years ago to steal plantation jobs?

8)  Are you from a state that seceded from the Union in the 1860’s? (I’m not letting you back in)

9)  Were you born in the legal boundaries of a Trump property to rent paying parents?

10) Are you a voter registered in the party I’m in this month?

Don Arrup

Satire1

Trump Babel

After a dominant performance in the first Republican Presidential Debate, Donald Trump announced that he has completed a 204 story tower on the site of the original Tower of Babel in Babel, New Jersey where the human race first began to use spoken language.

“This will be- really- the first true World Trade and Terror Center in the world,” Trump said. “Over a hundred and fifty two suites are already rented taking up over half the floors. We have the World Bank, Al Qaeda and the United Nations Forgotten Celebrity Fund on the first floor alone- along with a McDonald’s and a Kosher tattoo parlor.”

“You see, I have a master plan. Right now, I’m getting at least half of America united in their hatred of me. Once that hatred is cemented then I betray the half that follows me and in one campaign I’ll unite the country.”

“With Trump Babel, I’m getting the entire United Nations, multinational corporations, terrorist groups, international charities and retired Deadheads together under one roof and then I’ll mess with the air conditioning. DT scores another TD with TB.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Bill, Brady and Barbie

As the faces of public enemies number one and two, comedian Bill Cosby and quarterback Tom Brady, disgrace the front pages of newspapers and magazines across the country, the tarnished icons have united in accusing one Barbara Millicent Roberts of sexually disfiguring them early in their careers and being responsible for their consequent antisocial behavior.

Ms. BM Roberts aka Barbie the Doll was born Bild Lilli in Germany where she worked as a sex toy in bars and nightclubs before white slaver Ruth Handler of the Mattel mob spirited her to the United States. Handler began pimping Barbie at the 1959 New York Toy Fair beginning what would become the most notorious “serial blond” career in the history of the world’s oldest profession. Barbie has had 150 career covers in 150 countries where Mattel boasts Barb sells it three times a second racking up one billion johns. Standing at eleven and a half curvy inches at seven and a quarter ounces the infamous “1/6th Playscale” Ribald Roberts has proven to be doll enough for any man. 

Bill Cosby was a lonely sailor at the time working as a Corpsman at Bethesda Naval Hospital when Barbie torpedoed into town. “I was a Virgin. At least my left hand still was at the time,” said Cosby. “The Civil Rights movement was only gearing up and black men didn’t play with white dolls if they knew what was good for them.”

“I thought I was going to decide what we play but little did I know that for Barbie playtime was over,” Cosby recalled. “See, Barbie was the type of Fraulein who had to make her way in post war Hamburg. American servicemen were just caverns to be explored and exploited. And she where mined the Sun doesn’t shine.”

In 1997, Barbie was already a cultural force that outlived The Beatles, Disco, Punk and pantyhose while Tom Ed Pat Brad Jr. aka Tom Brady was one of seven backup quarterbacks to Brian Griese who had just won the Michigan Wolverines the National Championship in college football. Tom was just “one of the girls” who was sharing time “under center” mostly competing for playing time with Drew Henson when Barbie bombed into Ann Arbor.

Tom needed an older doll to build his confidence and guide him through the fierce competition in Big Ten sports. With a gentle small handed touch, Barbie led the future NFL MVP through his junior and senior years where he set school records in passing and wins. She would lead Brady through graduation, the NFL Draft, his years as a backup in New England and to his glory as the quarterback of the Patriots but in February, 2009, just weeks before Barbie was to turn “officially fifty” Tom dropped Barbie and married a Brazilian model.

Barbie bided her time but she knew just where to stick the needle and just whose balls to deflate. Justice thy name is Barbie.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Obama's Good Week

At the invitation of European Union, the Islamic State of  Murderers and Sociopaths (ISIS) has invaded Greece just before their legislature could vote on the fleecing demanded by German Fuhrerin Merkel. Pakistan and India are already carving up conquered Iran while China’s navy blockades its “former” colony of Ukraine. 

“We’re having a really good week after a number of really bad ones,” the President told the White House press corps this afternoon. “We knew the Pakis and Indians hated each other but who knew they both hated the Persians more?”

“We asked Putin if he might be up for taking back half of Germany when the Chinese asked us if we would back their acquisition of the Ukraine along with Okinawa and the Philippines. I told Chairman Xu that his retirees would never see a nickel of the trillions we borrowed so he might as well write it off now and just take whatever isn’t bolted down in the Far East.”

Reporters asked the President if he would act if China invaded Japan with whom we have treaties and military bases. “The United States of America always honors its treaties. Just ask any Native American.”

Republicans in the House of Representatives addressed reparations for decedents of American slaves offering both the city of Baltimore and the state of South Carolina. “I’ll salute any flag they want to wave,” Obama admitted. “Having a black mayor and police chief obviously doesn’t mean squat in Bmore. A handful of Catholic boys from Northwood own everything in Charm City including the teeth in your zipper and the teeth in your head.”

The Affordable Care Act got a huge boost earlier this week when everyone with Diabetes unexpectedly died. “I can’t begin to tell you what a relief this is to our hospitals and clinics. We have no idea what killed them but we’ll take it,” said Surgeon General Viveck Murthy. “Now if only everyone with arthritis or borderline obesity would suddenly drop dead we’d be talking about truly affordable health care and no long waits at doctor’s offices.”

As the mile high tidal wave ended the drought in California, astronomers forecasted milder meteor showers and earthquakes for the remainder of the week. President Barack commented that the complete liquidation of Los Angeles finally cleared the city of violent drug gangs. “You’ve got to look at the bright side,” Obama chirped. “It is the Sunshine State. Besides, Hollywood survived.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Who Blew Pluto?

As part of the Obama-Iran Nuclear Scam Congress is being asked to sign over the dwarf planet Pluto to Iran. As our NASA disguised New Horizon battle shuttle invades and conquers the former ninth brother in our solar system, China and Russia dispute the United States right to annex other planets without United Nations approval. 

Just three billion miles on average from the Earth’s orbit, Pluto is smaller than the United States Moon but with five lunes in its posse the forever freezing and melting rock presents unprecedented entrepreneurial opportunities and unimagined romantic getaways for the first world’s rapidly retiring populations.

Though mineral extraction is not economic outside a billion mile radius at this time, the low density of Pluto along with its numerous neighbors offers undeveloped real estate which under low Iranian property taxes could lead to rapid habitation. Though the surface temperature is a chilly minus 369 Fahrenheit tunnels could be dug without heavy equipment and cave societies could spring down in days.

“If they discover so much as a hint of DNA on Pluto sets of Golden Arches will up before you read your Sunday paper,” said Ronald McDonald, monarch of the McDonald’s Corporation.

Secretary John Kerry whose Department of State does not handle relations with other planets and extraterrestrials believes that it would be “very much” in the United States’ interest to hand Pluto over to Iran where inevitable violations of their nuclear agreement on Earth could be punished in outer space.

“Nothing can be won in the Middle East so why not kick their space ass,” Kerry said.

Vice President Joe Biden agreed. “The Iranians need four crescent moons for their Muslim Islam flag thing. It’s kind of like their Confederate flag only moony.”

Biden was reminded that Pluto only had fully rounded moons and that the American moon only appears crescent due to the Earth’s shadow. “That’s a damn shame,” said Biden. “Someone really ought to tell Allah. I mean it’s been over a thousand years. We let the South in on their defeat recently and popcorn still pops.”

Senator Barbra Boxer protested that Pluto should remain in American hands and be declared the “Woman’s Planet” but Republican legislators argued that women deserved a much larger planet like Saturn which at least wears a belt. “It’s bad enough we’re getting mooned every night by our own moon. We don’t need some other naked Heavenly Body turning the sky into pornography we have no parental controls over,” said Senator Gram.

Both China and Russia could tentatively agree to recognize American dominion over Pluto should the NASA invasion prove successful and America’s right to secede the dwarf to Iran on the condition that the United States backs Chinese and Russian claims to the Sun in the UN Security Council.

Though Japan stole the local star from China briefly last century, China has reestablished full control of Helios and will be imposing a tiny users fee to countries using solar power for farming and general visibility during the day. The fee has been calculated to cover just a small fraction of the cost China spends on maintaining the Sun as a 24/7/365 generator. Russia will assume a percentage of that fee for its role in the reacquisition of the Sun in the middle of last century.

Despite the advantages of resolving Middle East conflicts in outer space and satiating Chinese and Russian aggression geriatric experts want to set up Pluto as the first “nursing plutoid” where retirees can spend their remaining years which out there last 250 of ours.

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Greek Dance Dixie

In a surprising and inexplicable move today the Hellenic Parliament in Athens voted unanimously to remove the battle flag of the Confederate States of America from all of its government buildings and toilet seats. Known as the Stars and Bars the red background with blue intersecting diagonal starred stripes has become synonymous with romantics and racists who can’t accept that the seceding American states lost their war one hundred and fifty years ago. 

Though Greece is contemplating seceding from the European Union no one expects Germany or France to attempt to prevent it with a force of arms. “Merkel is not Lincoln,” said French Ambassador Pierre Dichard. “For one thing, there is the beard.”

“We Greeks feel that the Germans are trying to enslave us to our financial obligations.” said Not Socrates, a taxi driver in Athens. “I started charging men fish for their fare and I’ll take women for as far as a hand job lasts. It worked out fine earlier in the week but now I’m sick of fish and I can barely walk.”

Other Greek Citizens weighed in:

“I think American bigots should use the Swastika. The burning cross is more specific but you can make your point without any second hand racism bothering the kids with asthma.”

“I hate Asians and even the United States doesn’t have a decently organized group of yahoos to emulate. Asians were so universally hated by white Americans that the only symbol against the ‘Yellow Menace’ was the Stars and Stripes.”

“New York City was Greece in the 1970’s. Everybody on welfare or drugs. Nobody bailed the Apple out and now it tears down the world.”

“How can you have an American Women’s Soccer team? The athletes in America don’t even know what gender they are. They should lend Greece money. We invented lesbians.”

“We had slaves in Classical times but then the Romans enslaved us and then the Franks enslaved all of us. That’s why Greeks don’t pay taxes.”

“This whole thing has been really bad for my pants.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

Trans Gender Race Bender

If your spouse of ten years redefines themselves as being the same sex as you does that make you gay?

If you recently entered a gay marriage and your spouse decides that they are the opposite sex does that make you straight?

If you declare you are without gender is there anywhere you can go to the bathroom in public areas?

Will shoe size replace genitalia as the gender defining measure?

There are members in the trans-gender community (TGC) who have taken issue with a number of women's and feminist organizations over their use of the term woman claiming that limiting it to vagina owners excludes those who identify as women but wear their genitalia on the outside.

In Spokane, Washington, a woman with Caucasian parents ran the local chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP). She said she identifies as black. She is not pale but do her ancestors come from Africa? Well, according to ethnologists everyone's ancestors come from Africa or maybe China. Maybe she's Asian. 

If you have blue eyes and milk white skin and your birth parents decide they now identify as black does that mean you can use less sunscreen? 

If you can choose your gender can you choose your race? Federal government applications asks which race you identify with. Of course, many people are a mixture but when it comes to gender there are only two boxes. The Feds even offer an "Other" box for the race question. When will they stop oppressing us and offer an "Other" box for gender or even better- a "No" box? 

Isn't that question section actually labeled SEX? I should have been marking it no for decades though "none" would be more accurate. There should be a "None" box for hair color on the driver's license application.

Can an obese person declare themselves thin? Most idiots think they're geniuses. Can the elderly through athletic achievement take their place among the young? Rich men cry poor every April. And the poor spend it like they got it at the beginning of every month. Obviously, we Americans no longer know who we are or perhaps we never did.

If we allow everyone to simply choose how they are to be defined there might no longer be gender segregated bathrooms, Affirmative Action, minority contracts or scholarships, Title 9, Boys and Girl Scouts along with even mushier distinctions at clothing stores. Maybe all that would be a good thing but will it help us to perceive individuals as simply that- individuals- if it could help us in that direction perhaps all the confusion would be worth it.

Don Arrup

Satire1