Both Candidates Call For American Exit

Surprising even some of her longest and closest supporters, Hillary Clinton joined Donald Trump in calling for a national referendum on the United States of America withdrawing from the human race and declaring its citizens a new species.

“I misunderstood Donald’s message about making America great again. Of course, we’ve always been great but the forces of globalization have crept too far into our lives and orifices pulling Americans down to the level of people in other countries. We’re not like people in other countries. They’re foreigners and we’re Americans!”

“Hill Bill and I are on the same page with this issue and I promise you whether I win or win I will throw my wholehearted support into the movement to get America out of the filthy, disgusting swamp we call humanity,” Donald Trump replied. “We have better cars and better hair products. Humanity is a loser. Those people in other countries are already extinct but their brains are too pink to realize it.”

“Now Mr. Trump and I certainly don’t see eye to eye on most issues but we really do need to get out of the whole antiquated mankind thing. Most Americans have roots in other countries and cultures but they got out of them and those places and if they look and sound like myself and Mr. Trump then they too can be Americans.”

“It’s not about race. It’s not about religion. Hill Bill and I are in complete agreement on that. I don’t care what white race you come from or what Christian religion you practice. Come to my casinos and I’ll see to it- personally, if need be- that we take your money. Your money is always green with me.”

“I’m in complete agreement with my friend Donald on that. Though Bill and I much prefer blank checks from bottomless pocketed billionaires we are Democrats and will stoop to taking small donations from the faceless masses.”

“That’s right. And whether I win or Hill Bill loses, we are determined to get our precious country out of the human race- that’s the race that everybody hates.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

New Gun Out Of Control Bills

The majority of voters in both parties favor stricter gun control legislation while bills put forth by Congressional members of both parties went down to flaming defeat. Not all of the bills proposed were honored with a vote so Satire1 brings the bills and their authors exclusively to you for your perusal.

Senator Bush Whacker (R- Wyoming)

Recognizes the right of Death Row inmates to buy and own automatic weapons with high capacity magazines. 

“Serial killers and rapists/murderers are still Americans and should enjoy the option of going down in a blaze of violence.” 

Unlikely to be signed by Obama if passed

Representative Dora Matt (D- Maryland)

Denies power tools and kitchen cutlery along with guns to viewers of online porno and violent video games.

“There has been a 362% increase in cannibalism in the United States in the decades since the release of Pac-Man.”

Obama promises to sign if passed

Representative Bone Acher (R- Ohio)

Extends Second Amendment rights to robots assembled in the United States.

“They clean our floors and deliver office mail and should have the right to protect their closets.”

Obama promised to review after he gets his tie out of his zipper

Senator Paul Ball (D- New Jersey)

Directs the Department of Homeland Security to prosecute the use of finger guns and/or saying “bang” on school grounds from preschool to grad as an act of terrorism.

“You can buy a bazooka in half the states if you have a Popsicle stick with your initials on it. We can’t wait until students get the hardware to back up their threats.”

Obama says he’s been calling on this measure since he was a Senator

Senator Jack Umph (R- Alabama)

Targets a “Transformer Tax” on family vehicles owned by private citizens which can quickly morph into fighter jets, battle tanks or giant robots.

“More people are killed by automobiles in the United States than by guns almost every year so I think it’s time to make the most lethal and evil of cars pay.”

Obama wants one

Representative Gladys Haver (D- Oregon)

Background checks for gun purchases should include previous reincarnations.

“I dated a boy in high school who was Billy the Kid in a previous life and I just don’t think he should have a gun in this one.”

Obama said this bill spooked him

Representative Patricia Spread (R- Alaska)

Compromise bill proposing a five minute waiting period on all machine and Gatling guns sold at gun shows.

“I think a mature and responsible citizen can wait that long without too much infringement on their Constitutional rights.”

Obama said he’d think about it

Don Arrup

Satire1

Bigots Confused

Among the tragedies of last weekend’s massacre in the Gunshine State is the existential limbo suffered by bigots unable to decide whether it was all the fault of Muslims or Gays. 

“We try not to split hairs or blame,” explained Horace Manlover, president of Fair Haters, an advocacy group representing white supremacists, homophobes and Bible Thumpers. “When one hated group attacks another you’d think we’d view that as a win-win but hate isn’t always that simple.”

“We have a man who had no business being a Muslim doling out God’s Will as written in Epistle to the Romans on sodomites who were dancing too late at night and into the Lord’s Day.”

“Now, some say that anyone dancing that late at night should be shot but I don’t agree. The Second Amendment protects the rights of Christians to shoot gays and Muslims at anytime on any day. This is our precious freedom. And though dancing is often used to celebrate infidelity and infanticide it can happen spontaneously to young children exposed to popular culture.”

“We pray to God and his infinite mercy to pity us and tell us who we should hate more.”

Don Arrup

Satire1

You Walk, You Die

As the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that the kingdom can now be sued for its role in the 9/11 terrorist attacks and President Obama, soon to be out of office and out of their pocket, dares to criticize the land of 5,000 princes, just when you thought Saudi Arabia couldn’t sink any further into the sinkhole of history it reached down down down into the sewer and pulled up Uber.

The Public Investment Fund of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia joins the black heart of BlackRock, Wall Street pirates Gold Man Sacks & Rapes, Captain Morgan Stanley and terrorist loving Qatar in funding the infant stealing, women trafficking, organ peddling, pedestrian murdering “transportation” cabal three and a half billion dollars. 

The tentacles of Uber now strangle 460 cities in 69 countries and its standing army of “drivers” in the Middle East alone has grown to 395,000 making it the fourth largest force in the region and over twice the size of Israel’s military.

Claiming to assist progress in the kingdom by driving license deprived women to jobs and relatives, Uber has been quietly switching out young women from under their burkas with elderly beggars to feed the brothels of Cairo and Cleveland. Oil obese SA has too many sons without jobs and daughters who require dowries. 

So Uber Technologies Inc. joins its brethren Al-Qaida, the Taliban, hundreds of American and Israeli hating madrassas Koran schools and anyone with at least a hand in Sunni Muslim terror or adventurism. 

Uber Fuhrer Travis Kalanick sits on the lap of Saudi King Salman but who is the ventriloquist and who is the dummy? Whose hand has discreetly slipped up the orifice of the other? Who is the bitch and who is the mother?

Since Satire1 has been exposing the innumerable crimes of Uber Technologies for some time we thought to ask the Presidential candidates for their opinion on the sins of the Strangling U.

Senator Bernard Sanders

“As a United States Senator with full access to intelligence reports I am fully aware of the international crime organization that operates out of San Fransisco- for god’s sake, it’s worse than Spectre in the James Bond novels- but the kids like that they are part of the dumb phone app world and it is the very pinnacle of irresponsibility and betrayal to tell your core constituency things they don’t want to hear.”

Hillary Clinton

“You’re asking me if I know about Uber Tech? As Secretary of State I had to create over a dozen special task forces to deal with their sex slave trade, kidney and other organ harvesting and their ridiculously overpriced rides. They’re more trouble than the Chinese, Putin and North Korea combined and that’s the difference between me and Donald Trump. I know exactly what I’m doing every time I cash their check.”

Donald Trump

“What? Uber, the car guys? You call them rapists, you call them murders, kidnappers, terrorists and worse. I call them businessmen. A lot of decent, hard working people have gotten a second or third or fourth chance in this lousy Obama economy through Uber. I bet you right now Uber is employing thousands of single mothers, foster teens and transgenders who nobody else would give a chance. They’re probably tied down spread eagle and gagged but it’s a job and what will help make America great again.”

Don Arrup

Satire1