The majority of voters in both parties favor stricter gun control legislation while bills put forth by Congressional members of both parties went down to flaming defeat. Not all of the bills proposed were honored with a vote so Satire1 brings the bills and their authors exclusively to you for your perusal.
Senator Bush Whacker (R- Wyoming)
Recognizes the right of Death Row inmates to buy and own automatic weapons with high capacity magazines.
“Serial killers and rapists/murderers are still Americans and should enjoy the option of going down in a blaze of violence.”
Unlikely to be signed by Obama if passed
Representative Dora Matt (D- Maryland)
Denies power tools and kitchen cutlery along with guns to viewers of online porno and violent video games.
“There has been a 362% increase in cannibalism in the United States in the decades since the release of Pac-Man.”
Obama promises to sign if passed
Representative Bone Acher (R- Ohio)
Extends Second Amendment rights to robots assembled in the United States.
“They clean our floors and deliver office mail and should have the right to protect their closets.”
Obama promised to review after he gets his tie out of his zipper
Senator Paul Ball (D- New Jersey)
Directs the Department of Homeland Security to prosecute the use of finger guns and/or saying “bang” on school grounds from preschool to grad as an act of terrorism.
“You can buy a bazooka in half the states if you have a Popsicle stick with your initials on it. We can’t wait until students get the hardware to back up their threats.”
Obama says he’s been calling on this measure since he was a Senator
Senator Jack Umph (R- Alabama)
Targets a “Transformer Tax” on family vehicles owned by private citizens which can quickly morph into fighter jets, battle tanks or giant robots.
“More people are killed by automobiles in the United States than by guns almost every year so I think it’s time to make the most lethal and evil of cars pay.”
Obama wants one
Representative Gladys Haver (D- Oregon)
Background checks for gun purchases should include previous reincarnations.
“I dated a boy in high school who was Billy the Kid in a previous life and I just don’t think he should have a gun in this one.”
Obama said this bill spooked him
Representative Patricia Spread (R- Alaska)
Compromise bill proposing a five minute waiting period on all machine and Gatling guns sold at gun shows.
“I think a mature and responsible citizen can wait that long without too much infringement on their Constitutional rights.”
Obama said he’d think about it
Don Arrup
Satire1
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