Big Bird Slain By Neighbor

Celebrity avian Big Bird was found dead and plucked on the corner Sesame and Broadway. Police immediately suspected rival mob Muppet Oscar the Grouch whose garbage can gang suffered the recent loss of his enforcer Slimy the Worm. 

As NYPD detectives rifled through the field of suspects from Gotham’s underground and preschool worlds, Mayor De Blasio vainly attempted to calm New Yorkers bracing for more Children’s Television Workshop warfare. Kermit the Frog, green with envy at the size and reach of Big Bird’s territory was dragged in for questioning along with his volatile moll Piggy. 

Bert and Ernie were cornered in Hooper’s Store and shot it out with uniformed police while plainclothesmen nabbed Abby Cadabby and Cookie Monster and cuffed them before they could resist. Elmo surrendered himself to the 20th Precinct after hearing he was summoned. His lawyer said the red monster was not tickled by the prospect of being held on bail. 

Witnesses fingered Mr Snuffleupagus as the last creature seen with Big Bird at his nest on the side of 123 Sesame but have yet to charge the earless, elephant what is it with murder or accessory.

Breaking news:

Trash can king Oscar’s girlfriend, Grundgetta, broke under interrogation claiming Oscar croaked BB after our giant yellow feathered friend ate Slimy.

*Caroll Spinney played both Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch on Sesame Street from its beginning in 1969 to 2018. From the child in all of us- we’ll miss you.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Parade of No Thanx

Popeye. Popeye the Sailor Man is coming down the avenue- that’s Sixth Avenue- for you! What did you do? To bring Popeye after you? You went to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

What if it’s too windy and they ground the balloons? Get everybody who still admits they want to be president and string them up.

Joe Biden can replace Mr. Magoo or Buzz Lightyear.

Elizabeth Warren- Pocahontas or Olive Oil. 

Amy Klobuchar in black is Felix the Cat.

Pete Buttigieg is Howdy Doody or Alfred E. Newman (I didn’t know he was gay).

Bernie Sanders is Hanukkah Claus.

Mike Bloomberg is Mr. Monopoly*.

Corey Booker is Black Panther (revolutionary or the super hero?)

Of course, President Trump would volunteer. 

Superman? Mighty Mouse? Donald Duck? Sponge Bob Square Pants?

Whereas some of the others need further inflation, President Trump will need some deflation to get his ego down Sixth Avenue.

*Regular readers of this blog are aware that the cartoon referred to as “Mr. Monopoly” has a name at least to his nieces and nephews and we’re all his nieces and nephews- Rich Uncle Pennybags.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Atlanta Debate

Racist Madcow

Senator Caramel Harry, who dresses worse?  Colonel Bernie or Donald Trump? You have two minutes to answer.

Sen. Harry

White men have no style. They all look like Gomer Pyle after he was kicked out of the Marines.

Madcow

Mayor Buddhajugs, same question but between Senator War-on and Hillary Clinton.

Buddhajugs

No one can dress worse than Hillary Clinton and she’s not in this race.

Madcow

You wish. Senator Colonel Sanders, Nancy Pelosi or the Aloha lay on your left- who looks like crap?

Sanders

Congresswoman Scabbard isn’t to the left of anyone on this stage. Maybe to the left of Adolf Hitler and Donald Chump. And Nancy Pelosi isn’t in this race.

Senator Globutcher

No, she’s busy beating off Donald Trump everyday.

Madcow

Doesn’t leave much for the First Lady to do.

Globutcher

And may I say it is about time we started having a substantive debate about real women’s issues like who dresses better and who needs to gain weight.

Senator War-on

Not me. Not me.

Globutcher

No, precisely you. American women already have to put up with wafer thin models, actresses and  cancer patients. Now you want them to have to look at another skinny woman when the news is on. You’re a disgrace to women’s appetites and farmers.

Joe Biter

I offered Lizzy half my hotdog in Iowa.

Madcow

You will be given an opportunity to respond during the commercial, Viceroy.

Yang Guy

How come you never ask me any questions?

Madcow

Because I know your answer.

Yang

Fine, but maybe some of the voters in the audience haven’t heard me yet.

Madcow

I’m sorry, what did you say?

Globutcher

Ask him a question, Racist. He looks like somebody pissed in his pencil case.

Madcow

Okay, Yin Yang Bang, how can you give every American citizen a thousand dollars a month and not explode the national debt?

Yang

Easy, I’m going to tax every American citizen one hundred and ten percent of their income. That will wipe out the nation’s debt in my first term.

Sanders

He stole my tax plan!

War-on

Only after I did.

Madcow

Order, order. One more outburst of agreement among the candidates on anything except trashing Trump and I’ll end this debate.

Biter

This is a date?

Senator Cory Boo

Moderator Madcow, how come you haven’t asked me how I turned the urban swamp of Newark, New Jersey into the world’s only true Disney City complete with a Sesame Street in every neighborhood and the highways paved in linoleum?

Madcow

Because it never happened.

Boo

Let’s say, for the sake of debate, that it did.

Madcow

Off with his head!

Boo

This is Atlanta, not Wonderland.

Tom Sty

I have a Constitutional question.

Biter

Then ask me. I helped write the Constitution with Tommy Jeff and his son and got my adopted state of Delaware to be the first to adopt it.

Madcow

Excuse me, string bean, who are you and what are you doing on the debate stage? 

Tom Sty

I’m Tommy Sty and I bought my way on.

Globutcher

He went from big donor to big boner.

Madcow

I thought you were a single issue asshole. Wasn’t it climate change last week?

Tom Sty

I change with the weather.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Down Root

As we approach the tenth summer of widespread drought officials in Washington have begun to address how to limit the devastation of wildfires that now threaten over half the country. Widespread bipartisan agreement in Washington blames the presence of too much oxygen in the air which feeds the out of control combustion of vegetation leading to the loss of homes, businesses and life. 

The Obama Administration had called for legislation to regulate photosynthesis in all members of the plant kingdom six years ago while Republicans favored deforestation of national and local parks and replacing natural fauna with Genetically Modified Plantae which doesn't fart oxygen.

As both sides continue to study the issue and draft legislation a number of legislators, administration officials and wonks weighed in on the issue anonymously:

"We've accommodated natural plant life in this country for too long. If it feeds us or the animals we eat- fine. Or if it makes good wood. But if we can't eat it or sit on it it's gone."

"We haven't been killing the oceans fast enough. I think a lot of this oxygen is sneaking over our shorelines from the stuff whales eat."

"I think the Federal Government has to make every effort to preserve our natural heritage so that future generations have an idea of what America was like before we trashed it. But right now plants are exchanging gases in an unregulated free market posing incalculable risk to our species."

"This is all the Sun's fault."

"You know what I call vegetation? Freeloaders. Taking up space, busting up concrete and pipes, crawling up walls and drinking up more of our water than a yoga student in July."

Don Arrup

Satire1

What Are They Going To Be For Halloween Poll

Donald Trump

— Gorgeous George (50’s Pro Wrestler)

— Blond Elvis

— Wizard of Oz

— Legitimate Businessman

Elizabeth Warren

— Thelma

— Louise

— Or both

— Land O’Lakes Butter box Squaw

— Nurse Jackie

Bernard Sanders

— Mick Jagger

— Abbie Hoffman

— Pied Piper

— Young

Joseph Biden

-- Methuselah

— Paul Newman’s Nightmare

— Octopus

— Middle Aged

Don Arrup

Satire1

Impeaches and Cream

Oh Hunter, Hunter where have you been?

Down to the Ukraine for money and sin

You don’t speak the tongue nor know 

Shit about oil

But your Daddy was Vice

Setting you up for the spoil

So Dad’s enemy returns the Big House 

To White

And your dad wants it back

It’s going to be a big fight

Phone calls, emails, text and hear say,

Transcripts, testimony, and Twitter in play

But it is all the same shit at the end of the day

Your corruption is bad

While ours is passé

Don Arrup

Satire1

Schools in Sight

The National Rifle Association reached deep into its firearm manufacturers funding to hire the Bloods and the Crips to provide security in cash strapped and overcooked Los Angeles County public schools. Originally wooing Mexican Drug Lords to provide manpower to keep LA children safe from terrorists, the NRA withdrew the offer in the face of criticism that many native drug gang soldiers were un or under employed. 

These hit men and women are well armed enough to case the halls and man the entrances of surviving pre and elementary schools in the greater Los Angeles area. Middle and secondary schools that are already enjoying a healthy proportion of gang members in their student populations have been deemed safe by their communities for everyone except the LAPD.

Dripping Ax, leader of a South LA Blood gang, explained the convergence of interests. "We Bloods won't have any white nut jobs coming into our hood and cutting into our franchise. We do the killing around here. But taking soldiers off the streets when they could be pushing the bag and rolling tourists cuts into our bottom line. So the Big White Gun Gang is providing us with ammo to take care of the community's business and our own."

Smoke Corpse, a high ranking member of a Central LA Crips gang agrees. "Kids in little school are too corn to be in gangs and should be left alone. We tried giving biscuits to our baby bangers who used to just hold them for us. Problem is they bawl after smokin somebody. Can't have that in our colors."

Don Arrup

Satire1  

Blame Pizza and Mars

Critics of the Trump Administration have now accused the President of rolling back environmental regulation of methane gas emissions which are believed to be second only to carbon dioxide in destroying the atmosphere. President Trump took to his tweeter. 

“I have only gently eased the draconian oppression of our saintly, profit adverse energy industry who for decades has been blamed for the growing percentage of methane in our atmosphere when it has been clearly demonstrated by the usually lying scientists that most of the perpetrators of this methane madness are children, teenagers, pregnant women and the elderly. I think cows have been getting back at us too for taking their milk and eating them.”

The President has directed the FBI and Homeland Security to interview and, if necessary, interrogate teachers, school and nursing home dietitians and ranchers to try to discover what has caused such an uptick in deadly flatulence. 

“These kids are going to have to learn- and learn quick- that they are going to have to live in this world and that the gas that they pass from their ass has mass and that mass adds up to an unbreathable future,” the President tweeted. “Astronomers have noted that our nearest neighbor planet, Mars, has been emitting methane into its atmosphere and some of that has bled into the greater solar system.”

“I have to admit that I was unaware before I became president of the threat that the planet Mars, known throughout the entire universe as the Mexico of the Milky Way, poses to our future. I asked the usually lying astronomers could the illegal immigration of gasses from Mars prove an even greater threat to the security of the United States than what we face from the influx of our flatulent food loving southern neighbors.” 

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Airport Motel 3

(Scene: Short buck boudoir roadside shack rack. Puke colored curtains and rug. Beer piss gold comforter on Scream Queen sized flat mat. That same damn rabbit eared TV on its roll rack. Enter Bernie Sanders dressed in a morning suit with bow tie and top hat and a Rich Uncle Pennybags mustache (i.e. like Mr. Monopoly). He is carrying a canvas bag with the dollar sign ($) on it which is very full and tied with a cord at the top. He throws this on the bed which collapses under its weight.)

(Enter Nancy Pelosi through the bathroom door stuffed into a floor length black silk slink plunge cut spaghetti strapped almost dress with up to mid bicep black silk gloves, a diamond choker and Brazilian Madi Gras tiara.) 

Nancy

You broke the bed? Where are we going to-

Bernie

You in the back halls of the House of Representatives and myself on the campaign trail. 

Nancy

I spent half the afternoon feeding quarters into a barely operating airport bidet and you suddenly don’t want to play politics.

Bernie

It’s not you. It’s not my wife. Its not even my campaign manager’s granddaughter’s best friend. 

Nancy

Then what is it?

Bernie

I’ve tarnished my brand.

Nancy

By selling too many books?

Bernie

It’s all of that. Now I’m a millionaire. Neck and neck with the woman and just behind the other old man.

Nancy

Neck and necking with the woman. 

Bernie

She’s Massachusetts and I’m Vermont. Our states are all over each other. How could it be different with us?

Nancy

Bernie, nobody understands better than Nancy. I submerge myself into drags, fags, Asians, homies, homeless and tech nerds.

Bernie

San Fransisco.

Nancy

The tech nerds control more wealth than Europe.

Bernie

You’ve got the whole Valley there.

Nancy

And the only thing that isn’t silicone is my wrack.

Bernie

I came into this race the favorite.

Nancy

You never stopped campaigning.

Bernie

I’m afraid if I stop I’ll age. 

Nancy

Busy’s good. Take off your striped pants.

Bernie

Not over the shoes. Thank you, Speaker. When I was laying on the nude beach on Long Island, this was way before Stonewall, I fell asleep and a turtle came up and started making out with dick.

Nancy

Hope he wasn’t a snapper. 

Bernie

Box turtle. He French kissed my dick. With a tongue that grew out of his slit slow and long as my finger

Nancy

The turtle fucked you.

Bernie

Raped. The box turtle which not knowing his name I call Sam who raped me may still be alive.

Nancy

This was before Stonewall? 1969? 

Bernie

Some of those turtles live to be two hundred years old.

Nancy

Those are sea turtles. I think your date was a tortoise.

Bernie

Now don’t get French with me unless it’s down there.

Nancy

Look, Burning Sandman, Bloomberg News and Forbes wrote articles about your assets because that’s the only thing business magazine readers care about. 

Bernie

They should write about my pecker.

Nancy

You’re not Bill Clinton. And do you want every turtle and tortoise in the lower forty eight to come calling on your cannoli? 

Bernie

Tell me about your slumber parties when you were attending The Institute of Notre Dame- same time as Babs Mikulski- longest serving woman in the history of Congress just two years ahead of you- what happened at the slumber parties in Baltimore, Maryland in nineteen sixty blah blah. The daughter of the mayor and former Congressman and the loudest lesbian in Highlandtown.

Nancy

We Catholic daughters of Baltimore, the white thighs of April in the land of Mary, craved the long red sticks of dynamite.

Bernie

You were hand jobbing sticks of dynamite?

Nancy

Not a door was closed to Sparkie.

Bernie

I can’t believe you didn’t light his fuse. 

Nancy

Her fuse.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Airport Motel 2

(Scene: Mixture of late 60’s and early 80’s faux posh highway accommodation. A museum of bad taste. Ancient TV with rabbit ears on roller stand. Super King sized bed with red and gold comforter. Gouache oversized artless painting of a matador with the bull in the background.) 

(Enter Joe Biden in blue too short shorts and marathon runner’s white tank top with a Biden 20 bumper sticker pinned on. He throws his gym bag on the bed.)

Joe

The real campaign starts here.

(Enter from bathroom Nancy Pelosi in a teeny weeny blue bikini.)

Joe

Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a blue bikini before.

Nancy

You have.

Joe

No, I swear. Thousands of aqua or turquoise or white bikinis. A lot of white bikinis. It was the 60’s and the bikinis said look but don’t touch unless you’re buying.

Nancy

Institute of Notre Dame High School, Baltimore, Maryland. Class of Eat Me.

Joe

So you were a good Catholic girl studying under the nuns. You must have been there when Barbara Mikulski was there. 

Nancy

Babs was two years ahead of me but we were bosom buddies.

Joe

A lesbian Senator and a siren Speaker. Why’d you move to California, Nancy? What was wrong with the Old Line State? Your family practically owned it.

Nancy

Didn’t like you laying on top of me in Pennsylvania.

Joe

We could have changed the Mason Dixon line to the Biden D’Alesandro line. 

Nancy

You mean the D’Alesandro Biden line.

Joe

Presidents come first.

Nancy

I’ll remember that Mr. former Vice President.

Joe

I want your endorsement.

Nancy

I thought you just wanted me.

Joe

I want both. We could make a hell of a team between the branches.

Nancy

Warren and Harris have each got one of your legs and they’re both ready to make their wish.

Joe

Exactly why I need to be between your legs, Nancy.

Nancy

You can’t hide under my skirt.

Joe

Then I came here for nothing?

Nancy

Well, I am a party girl.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Airport Motel

(Scene: Low budget late 60's No Tell Motel room. Enter door on left. Bathroom door on right. Ancient TV with rabbit ears faces Queen sized bed with carpet gold blanket, three pillows and an anonymous painting of a sailing ship rocked in an angry sea. Enter Xi Jingping in fisherman's cap, riding britches and gators. He looks about as he creeps in.)

Xi
NP? NP! Damn you, you Capitalist bitch. Where are you?

(House Speaker Nancy Pelosi comes out of bathroom in a red negligee holding a martini.)

NP
Looking for some commerce, Chinaman?

Xi
Where are your wares, woman?

NP (sticking out her chest)
Fire sale on white ass. Get it before more tariffs kick in.

Xi
You have some globals.

NP
And they're warming.

Xi
You're turning my eyes into solar panels.

NP
Keep staring, Ping Ding. We've got the oil but you're got the future.

Xi
My wife thinks I'm fishing in Hong Kong.

NP
My husband thinks I'm running the House.

Xi
What does Donald think?

NP
He never stops talking and tweeting long enough to think.

Xi
He's either too crazy or too crafty to predict.

NP
Let me see if I can get your Yen up. Heard it's been drooping lately.

Xi
If not then just inflate your dollars more. I've got plenty of them.

NP
That ought to puff your pants. Perhaps not as much as squashing protesters.

Xi
My protesters are in Hong Kong and Bum F##k Manchuria while your protesters are in your own caucus.

NP
You've got me there, China Man. Now, Xi, get me here.

Don Arrup
Satire 1

What, Me Worry?

Last Friday the world woke up to find it had lost its madness. Not its insanity, hatred, stupidity, ignorance, psychosis, neurosis, blindness or denial. Those characteristics flourish as never before. What people the world over are about to miss is their magazine MAD.

What had been the Bible of the Baby Boomers declined in popularity with Gen Xers and Millennials and will soon to be history. The perspective and relief Mad magazine offered will be missed but its influence may become all the greater now that its spokesperson is free for other pursuits. 

The world was introduced to Alfred E. Neuman in 1954. His next appearance two years later on the cover of the magazine announced Mad’s endorsement of Neuman’s write in candidacy for the office of president of the United States of America.

With the big eared, gap toothed, shit eating grin redhead now freed from the nonpartisan restraints of the magazine, Alfred E. can throw his hat into either party’s ring for the nomination or continue his maverick streak as an independent third party candidate.

Satire1, admittedly biased in favor of the fictional nincompoop, took to the corner of Lafayette and Spring Streets in New York’s Soho ho ho where Mad magazine and Alfred were born to ask the local yokels how they gauge the chances for the worry free candidate to take the top office.

Guy with a ponytail

“He couldn’t be worse than the last two clowns we had to choose between. I voted for the woman clown since that would have at least been something new. Maybe it is time for a cartoon to be president.”

Pony with a guy tail

“We animals went along with you late to the evolutionary game humans because we thought you would manage the world better than the other predators but we were wrong. Time to hand the whole shebang over to artificial ignorance and that would be Alfred E.”

Farmer Renick Roozier

“I’ve been pigeon farming in these parts since Neuman was the new man and I can tell you that it is not that he has no idea of how to run the country but that he has no ideas about anything that makes him so qualified. American needs a president with no ideas.”

Mary B. Bumble

“The buzz on Al Neu is that he was a beatnik in the fifties, a hippie in the sixties, a swinger in the seventies, a yuppie in the eighties and an asshole ever since. He’s certainly not what we want but he’s almost certainly what we deserve.”

Cat Diamond

“You know, half this neighborhood was art galleries. Some designer stores. Fashion. And then the shoes get too expensive and the art commercial and the couple of holes in the midnight wall go from being the coolest parties downtown to too rich bitches and assholes wearing their Friday night gear. What, me worry? Williamsburg. Greenpoint. That’s Al E. Need. Leaving just before the crowd.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Trump's Two Hats

President Trump announced at the G20 meeting in Meatneeva that he was throwing his hat in the ring for the nomination for President of the United States of the Democratic Party. Citing poor and unrealistic rhetoric dominating both nights of the Democratic candidate debates, President Trump decided that the American people deserved a real choice rather than a straw (wo)man candidate to draw donations for the failed party’s coffers.

“The Russians could put up a better candidate to spar with me. Even the North Koreans could find a Mexican Muslim mother of ten who was born on another planet like Hawaii or Massachusetts- which really is just a suburb of Canada, it really is. I’ve been there. You can buy a family’s first born for a hot dog there. I’m not exaggerating.”

“I watched the first night of the donkey debates because basketball is over and the Yankees win all the time so I thought what the hell. Maybe some of these donkeys will have an idea. I’ll consider any good idea. Even a good idea that comes from a donkey. But it was the same old same old old old old. They didn’t even dress it up with any new terms. Like progressive instead of liberal. Or Socialist instead of Communist.”

“Pocahontas said she has ideas. She has policies. Plans to fix things that don’t need to be fixed. She looked like she couldn’t dress herself but I liked the purple. Balls to the Stonewall. I think Elizabeth Warren is a man. I think we’re being sold a bill of goods. She’s kind of cute. I never said she wasn’t cute. And she is free to dress like a woman if she wants. It’s a free country. At least as long as I’m president. The United States of American is great again. And free.”

Is Poco Ho Ho married? Trans benders can get married too. I have nothing against ho marriage. It’s a free country. Take all my money and spend it on whoever can cross the river with a baby. Take my doctor. Take my job. Take my life. The welcome mat is down. Come here and we’ll put you in the front of the line for livers and lungs and hearts. Ahead of hard working Americans who paid into the dream all their life. Just come one and all and take our future. Every donkey raised their hoof. Just get here and we’ll take care of you.”

“Just break into my house and I’ll make you family.”

“Nobody is going to vote for these people. I’ll have nobody to run against. The donkeys will be crying for the next four years that the big bad Democratic machine put up another sure loser and they were robbed of choice. But I’m going to give Democrats a choice. I used to be a Democrat and I can be one again if I win as a Democrat.”

“I don’t care what party I represent. I always represent myself. I am always Donald Trump. You hated me for the last three years? Now your enemies can hate me for the next four. Think of the time and money and money and money we could save if the best president in the history of this country just ran against himself. Billions. Maybe even trillions over the now endless campaign cycle.”

“It’s not the donkeys fault they can’t find anyone to run against me. Nobody ever could beat me and nobody ever will. Death, the Grim Reaper herself, came to Margo A Go Go last time I was there. I was sharing a Cuban sandwich and Diet Coke with a new bikini and Reapie brought down her scythe right between my shoulder blades- ruined a perfectly tailored silk dress shirt I’d only worn twice- and through my heart.” 

“Skipped a beat. I don’t skip breakfast. I don’t skip dessert ever except during the occasional Fifth Avenue famine. But my heart skipped a beat. It was torn clean in half. I turned to the Reaper and told her she was an illegal alien. I told her to get out of here. Go back to the Rio Styx or Grande wherever she was holed up. You have no business here.”

“And the donkeys want to get rid of ICE! That’s assassination by association, you know. Treason.  They are trying to get rid of the American people’s and Putin’s and Xi Jinping’s and Zuckerboard’s choice for President.”

“I gave my physician a ring. Before the donkeys draft him to the border to take care of all the un-Americans. Took two aspirins like he told me and I’m fine. Never felt better.”

Don Arrup

Satire1