Ape Morning Blues

Sitting on my living room couch

So glad the television isn’t on

Shiny bastards dragging the whole region

Into my home creaking under its mortgage

Through their bright smiles and blinkless winks

They explain what a wreck our town is

Bam! There it is again

The paper the goddamn paper

Now the whole world’s problems

Are on my doorstep

I struggle to step over around through it

The newsprint stains my eyes and hands

My wife planted pansies beside the steps

To ward off neighbors cleavage

And evil apologizing egg borrowers

Divorcees who need to use her man

For just a wee minute

As if I still last that long

Got my portion right though

How did she know?

What women say over a fence

No man wants to No No No!

Don’t look at me like that

Over my half cooked bacon and runny eggs

Even if we were having waffles 

You couldn’t bring that up

There’s not enough syrup in the world

My red eared boss will be waiting for me

To yell at me through the back of his head

Or in rare good mood brags

How his oldest boy just got in

Alpha Zeta Circle Jerk fraternity

Majoring in hangovers and shit pants

At What’s A Matter U

Dolores a woman actually named Dolores

Chiseled beehive and pancake foundation

Covering acne scars Neil Armstrong 

Might have stepped over  

Perfume the Germans used in trench warfare

More rings, bracelets and baubles 

Than a gypsy thousandaire

The worst part?

After work I go home

The evening paper will be there

Explaining how things got worse

While I was toiling away

The problems that resolve 

Disappear from the headlines

Croak and you get a thumb print obit

The rest is an advertisement 

For the funeral home

The economy must go on

Pat the dirt down

Over your last real estate

Don Arrup

Satire1

2 B or Tuber

 

At the end of February of this limbo, while the country was consumed by vaccine conspiracies, Jewish space lasers and a delayed opening day for major league baseball, toy giant Hasbro took the opportunity to castrate one of America’s most beloved playthings.

The former Mister Potato Head was divorced from both his gender and his spouse as Hasbro decided that rather than continuing selling the mantato and his wife to the public they would ensnare the next generation with a “Potato Family Pack” which consists of two big and one baby sized bods with 42 accessories to be plugged into their accommodating orifices.

After sales dropped eight percent last year, the bros at Has decided that the militantly politically correct toddlers were no longer interested in the narrowly gender defined tuber and took divisive actions to appease their protests. 

Originally introduced to the market in 1952 as a single spud, Mr. Pothead was the first toy to be advertised on television. The original toy did not include a plastic potato body but only the sense organs, facial hair, glasses, shoes and hats not usually offered by super and farmers markets and other purveyors of the vegetable. 

The success of the brand eventually afforded Mr. P Head to marry Mrs. Potato Head which caused some consternation among parents unable to secure spuds of opposite sex. The marriage manufacturally led to Baby Potato Head forcing the Has Bros to provide plastic “potato” bodies.

Conservatives and Evangelical Gas Station Attendants claim Hasbro is inviting two year olds to play god with both America’s favorite starch and the nuclear family model. Mr. and Mrs. PH’s inclusion in the Toy Story film franchise critics claim is proof of their civic sainthood and that this change constitutes a cultural cancellation and theft of childhood memories from millions of Baby Boomers.

A growing chorus of former Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head recipients, now parents, are calling for a boycott of the company they refer to as Had Bro. 

Satire1 in our endless quest to provide the public with the answers they want questioned went to Pawtucket, Rhode Island the home of Hasbro and the Potato Heads to find out just how they are faring with the change.

Satire1

“Mr. and Mrs. Potato-

Potato Heads

Please Sorry we don’t go by we have different designations now

S1

Former Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.

Former Mrs.

No one looks at this from the potato’s perspective.

Former Mr.

How were we ever supposed to live up to gender designations with absolutely no genitals-

Former Mrs.

-Or breasts-

Former Mr.

Just take a look at this new “family pack”. You see eyes, different noses, hats, ears, shoes with no legs in sight. A potato sitting on a pair of shoes? Where is the action supposed to take place? So Hasbro gave us two more hats. Really, that’s supposed to fix the problem?

Former Mrs.

Mrs. always have it so much harder. I was supposed to be the mother to that little plastic ball and they don’t even have a slit down there for me. You can stick anything anywhere in me except where it counts.

Former Mr.

I didn’t exactly excite parents at first. Especially dads. What? A bunch of plastic shit to stick into my dinner? I like my potatoes baked and topped with butter. Cut into fries or Westerns. Hash browns home fries Sheppard pies. I don’t want a hat on my potatoes. Potatoes already have enough eyes. What, my kid’s supposed to make a pet out of my vegetable? Is this what America has come to?

Mrs.

You had the whole spotlight to yourself. You were the big spud.

Mr.

I was the dud spud. I didn’t even have a body. You remember just being in pieces. Parts. Eyes to see. Ears to hear. Hands on short tubes. Shoes. 

Mrs.

And hats.

Mr. 

And hats. You’re going to call me Mr. then give me something somewhere to Mister me out.

Mrs.

I should be Mrs. Pear Head. At least I’d look like a mother. I look exactly like him except for some eye makeup and lipstick.

Satire1

Well, Barbie and G.I. Joe seem to be happy with their careers and they have never had genitals. 

Mrs.

If I had tits anything like that whore I’d rule the toy box.

Mr.

Half a french fry. Maybe with two tater tots underneath. Something.

Mrs.

People think because we star in popular movies we have all this power. 

Mr.

You’d think we have a dressing room. Nope, scene wrapped and we’re broken down and back in the box.

Mrs.

You know what kids learn playing with us?

Satire1

Now? Diversity and inclusion.

Mr.

No, they learn that being a potato sucks.

Don Arrup

Satire1

My Vac My Tribe

A leaked FBI report identifies the new wildfire of misinformation crossing the dark web and social medias concerning the effects of the different Covid 19 vaccines on the characters of the inoculated. Analysts for Homeland Security fear a new division of the citizenry that will replace race, class, religion, generation and political orientation into the camps of which vaccine an individual took.

People who took the Moderna vaccine now identify as Mods. Those who had Pfizer call themselves Pfizzies, Johnson and Johnson are Jojos while the unvaccinated go by Zombies.

And they don’t like each other.

President Biden’s Vaccination Czar, Dr. Ouchie, says that even the best handled pandemics create conflict and chaos by the time they approach containment. “We don’t expect it to be worse than the Civil War and not quite that long if everyone wears visored helmets and kills each other at a distance of at least six feet.” 

“The important thing is that we make sure all battles are fought outside for the safety of the soldiers,” said Dr. Ouchie. “And no D-Days or Picket’s Charge which are now considered militarily inefficient and known to be super spreaders.”

The federal government is trying desperately to negotiate peace between the conflicting vaccine factions as they are forming but so far none are willing to trust the Zombies. Only the Russian Sputnik V’s (Putins) are willing to talk to them.

The failure of both the Oxford/AstraZeneca (Asszoles) and China’s Sinopharm (Chi-umps) vaccines has left potentially huge power vacuums in Europe and Asia which either the virus or consolidated vactoids could exploit. 

In order to inspire some reasonable dialogue between the camps, Satire1 took to the corner of Deep Hole and Hornblower in the heart of Minnehaha County, South Dakota to extract some reactions from the locals.

Spurs

“Anytime I heard the term ‘half assed’ I always thought of some cow hand only wiping half his south end. Now I know it means one of those darn JoJos passing themselves off as vaccinated after only one shot.”

Sadlecrack 

“He wasn’t a Mod when I married him forty two years ago. Who the hell have I been sleeping with?”

Real Old Timer

“This Pfizzie so claimed grandson I can’t recall says he’s good with Pfizer Bio Heck? When I was in school Pfizer worked for the Kaiser.”

Bison Butt

“Anybody who has seen as much as a Star Trek episode knows vaccines make you sterile. That’s why I only subscribe to Zombie dating sites like Don’t Stick Me.”

Dolly

I doubt anybody saw this coming. It’s breaking up marriages- even the four that work. Even Biden and Harris aren’t talking.”

Pappy

“I hope they open up the saloons and whore houses before they open the churches. I have nothing against praying and singing but goddamn.”

Don Arrup

Satire1