At the end of February of this limbo, while the country was consumed by vaccine conspiracies, Jewish space lasers and a delayed opening day for major league baseball, toy giant Hasbro took the opportunity to castrate one of America’s most beloved playthings.
The former Mister Potato Head was divorced from both his gender and his spouse as Hasbro decided that rather than continuing selling the mantato and his wife to the public they would ensnare the next generation with a “Potato Family Pack” which consists of two big and one baby sized bods with 42 accessories to be plugged into their accommodating orifices.
After sales dropped eight percent last year, the bros at Has decided that the militantly politically correct toddlers were no longer interested in the narrowly gender defined tuber and took divisive actions to appease their protests.
Originally introduced to the market in 1952 as a single spud, Mr. Pothead was the first toy to be advertised on television. The original toy did not include a plastic potato body but only the sense organs, facial hair, glasses, shoes and hats not usually offered by super and farmers markets and other purveyors of the vegetable.
The success of the brand eventually afforded Mr. P Head to marry Mrs. Potato Head which caused some consternation among parents unable to secure spuds of opposite sex. The marriage manufacturally led to Baby Potato Head forcing the Has Bros to provide plastic “potato” bodies.
Conservatives and Evangelical Gas Station Attendants claim Hasbro is inviting two year olds to play god with both America’s favorite starch and the nuclear family model. Mr. and Mrs. PH’s inclusion in the Toy Story film franchise critics claim is proof of their civic sainthood and that this change constitutes a cultural cancellation and theft of childhood memories from millions of Baby Boomers.
A growing chorus of former Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head recipients, now parents, are calling for a boycott of the company they refer to as Had Bro.
Satire1 in our endless quest to provide the public with the answers they want questioned went to Pawtucket, Rhode Island the home of Hasbro and the Potato Heads to find out just how they are faring with the change.
Satire1
“Mr. and Mrs. Potato-
Potato Heads
Please Sorry we don’t go by we have different designations now
S1
Former Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.
Former Mrs.
No one looks at this from the potato’s perspective.
Former Mr.
How were we ever supposed to live up to gender designations with absolutely no genitals-
Former Mrs.
-Or breasts-
Former Mr.
Just take a look at this new “family pack”. You see eyes, different noses, hats, ears, shoes with no legs in sight. A potato sitting on a pair of shoes? Where is the action supposed to take place? So Hasbro gave us two more hats. Really, that’s supposed to fix the problem?
Former Mrs.
Mrs. always have it so much harder. I was supposed to be the mother to that little plastic ball and they don’t even have a slit down there for me. You can stick anything anywhere in me except where it counts.
Former Mr.
I didn’t exactly excite parents at first. Especially dads. What? A bunch of plastic shit to stick into my dinner? I like my potatoes baked and topped with butter. Cut into fries or Westerns. Hash browns home fries Sheppard pies. I don’t want a hat on my potatoes. Potatoes already have enough eyes. What, my kid’s supposed to make a pet out of my vegetable? Is this what America has come to?
Mrs.
You had the whole spotlight to yourself. You were the big spud.
Mr.
I was the dud spud. I didn’t even have a body. You remember just being in pieces. Parts. Eyes to see. Ears to hear. Hands on short tubes. Shoes.
Mrs.
And hats.
Mr.
And hats. You’re going to call me Mr. then give me something somewhere to Mister me out.
Mrs.
I should be Mrs. Pear Head. At least I’d look like a mother. I look exactly like him except for some eye makeup and lipstick.
Satire1
Well, Barbie and G.I. Joe seem to be happy with their careers and they have never had genitals.
Mrs.
If I had tits anything like that whore I’d rule the toy box.
Mr.
Half a french fry. Maybe with two tater tots underneath. Something.
Mrs.
People think because we star in popular movies we have all this power.
Mr.
You’d think we have a dressing room. Nope, scene wrapped and we’re broken down and back in the box.
Mrs.
You know what kids learn playing with us?
Satire1
Now? Diversity and inclusion.
Mr.
No, they learn that being a potato sucks.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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