Meat in Space

There is no reason why Americans have to endure vegetarian courses just because their grandparents were not as affluent as we are today. Desert should be meat. The English who are envied across the world for their lively cuisine eat meat pies: Shepard’s pie, pork pie, steak and kidney pie, whatever you can find dead in the woods pie. Forget ice cream. Meat cream. Jell-O? Hello. Jiggly consume. Hot blood sundaes. Kids want something cold? Jam a stick into a frozen hamburger patty and viola a meatsicle. Coconut shrimp is desert. I don’t care how low cut her neckline is. Barbecue anything and its desert. That sauce is 80% sugar and 100% corn syrup along with some stuff you really don’t need. Sounds like desert to me. Don’t eat the apple eat the worm. He’s the winner. Just boil him in maple syrup and whatever fat that isn't attached to you. There’s more lard in a doughnut than a suckling pig so that’s covered. Cops know how to eat. If we can put meat on the Moon we can break the stranglehold that fruit and a couple of foreign beans have on our most precious confections.

“Cherries jubilee and Bananas Foster are po’ folk fare,” explains Horst Schwinehund, pastry chef of The Fountain of Meat in Chicago. “No dessert should be served that isn’t built around pork.” Horst went on to describe a drive he took with his family through the Illinois countryside.
“Mile after mile we drove past animals just hanging out on fields or in pens. It’s a scandal. How do you explain that to your children when you’re sending them to bed with only ice cream and cake in their bellies after they’ve slaved over Nintendo for hours? Those anibums should be covered in chocolate and sitting on multicolored paper plates.”

“We certainly have enough meat available to us in this country,” said Wilbert Boetog, Professor Emeritus of Butchery at the University of Meat in St. Louis, “there is no reason why our children should be exposed to vegetables until they are at least old enough to vote.”

“Just look what’s happening in Tibet right now,” he added, “those vegetarian Buddhists are getting their heads crushed in thinking they can kick out the carnivores. Never happen. They’re going to get eaten up.”

“Zoos are the worst offenders. City zoos should be a lunch counter in the park where you can get a zebra sandwich or monkey dog,” says Felicia Grott of the Meat and Drug Administration, “The happy animals in children’s books and cartoons are sending out the wrong message to our young: that animals are our friends and we should be like them and hang out all day bothering each other and acting like we’re on ecstasy. This in no way prepares children for the man eat dog world they’re going to have to compete in.”

“I think we’ve been missing out on a whole host of desert animals that are around us everyday. We could breed gerbils and guinea pigs just as fast as kids could eat them. Isn’t that better than wasting their little lives running on wheel cages all day? Just look at their eyes. They’re saying please eat me now I’m bored to death and I hate kids.”

“It’s different with dogs and cats. We get to neuter them and a lot of them have jobs. But I don’t see why we need starlings and bluebirds flapping around when we have ipods. It’ll take months of advertising on the kid’s channels but they’ll be screaming for Honey Beaks if we just do the right thing.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

In Memorial

Satire1 suspends its wit this post in memory of the individuals and their families whose sacrifice makes this blog and others like it possible.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Clinton Sweeps Osama in West Virginia

Hillary Clinton won the West Virginia Democratic Presidential Primary on May 13th leading Osama Bin Laden by more than forty per cent. Senator Barack Obama was also on the ballot but no one knew who he was.

“Being a terrorist himself he should know how to deal with these guys,” said Tex Whittie of Mingo County who voted for Bin Laden, “and he’s the richest of all these millionaires running so he’s probably the smartest.” When asked if he considered Barack Obama as a choice Tex said, “I saw him once on TV and he seems like a pretty smart guy but he’s only a senator in Al-Qaeda. What this country needs is the head guy.”

“I voted for Billary Clinton the last two times and was thrilled to support him again,” said Marge Nobainer of Pocahontas County, “and he should use Monica Lewinski again as Secretary of State. She has great secretarial skills and could make some real headway with those Talibanians.” When informed that it was Bill’s wife Hillary who was running Marge seemed surprised. “That big headed stud talking on the back of the pickup truck was his wife? I’m not for gay marriage.”

“I wouldn’t consider that Obama fellow after I heard how his preacher caused 9/11 and gave truck drivers AIDS,” said Milbore Chesston of Wirt.

“I didn’t know Hillary and Ben Laden were in the Senate together till yesterday,” said Eloise Poke of Boone. “I thought she had a real job. I would have voted for John McCain but I don’t see how he could run the country from a North Korean prison cell.”

Don Arrup
Satire1

Hell Care

We have about as much of a system of Health Care in this country as we had oversight in the housing market and disaster relief for New Orleans. We pay enough in insurance to send every eighth citizen to the Moon and that’s where they and another quarter of the population might as well be if they get sick. Satire1 asked the three presidential candidates to forget their proposals for a minute and just tell us what they want for themselves and their families from our health care chaos.

BO
I don’t see doctors anymore. They have too many opinions. Jeremiah Wright is a Doctor of Theology and he’s crazy. The guy who was giving me physicals in Chicago bought an option on tickets for the Cubs in the World Series this fall. Crazy. My wife and daughter go to an OBGYN. What does that mean? They still have their time of the month and rip me a new one in between. I don’t know what your tax dollars are paying for.
I go online to Web Sawbones and type in my symptoms and then order the drugs from Mexico. With orders over three hundred dollars they throw in a carton of Marlboros.
I have a health care plan something like Hillary’s. It won’t make much of a difference even if it gets past the lobbyists. Might get kids covered. That would be something, America caring for its kids. You know what makes me sick? Thinking about health care.

HC
Everywhere I go and speak to the American people I am always asked what’s the real difference between my health care plan and Senator Obama’s and I tell them, there’s no difference. There’s no difference between Senator Obama’s and my plan and Senator McCain’s. We’re all on the United States Senate’s millionaire club plan. We’re completely covered for whatever we want or need and you’re paying for it. You’re not going to get that. Oh, I’ll force your employer to offer you something that you’ll be forced to take which should make both of you miserable and drive more jobs overseas. You see my plan is all about choice.

JM
I won’t go to a doctor with a handicap over six. If he’s a surgeon he better not be four over par. And I try to get photographs of their golf shoes. They’ll tell you a lot more about his skill than the waste paper he’s framed over his wall. We’ll find a way to make health insurance premiums affordable to most Americans. We’ll never be able to get the insurance companies to pay up but under my administration I guarantee that you will be refused care by a licensed medical doctor or registered nurse. You don’t need layers of wasteful bureaucracy to say no. No matter what’s wrong with you you’re all right in my book. Of course, if either of my opponents has their way you’ll have a Jamaican woman waving a chicken over your head and telling you to drink more green tea.

Don Arrup
Satire1

Obama attends Wrong Church

Senator Barack Obama having broken ties with long time pastor and evangelator Rev. Jeremiah Wright declared, “Wright is wrong so I’m attending Rev. Wrong’s church because he is right.”

Rev. Wrong’s Middle Kingdom Not Chinese Church of Somebody Saved Some of Us in Chicago also has some controversial positions and its own Liberation Theology. Dr, Wrong’s SSSU Church holds that—

--Black Muslims created the HIV virus at Morgan State University in Baltimore, Maryland in 1974 to kill drug addicts, gays, milkmen and barbers. The master plan proved only a partial success; there are no more milkmen.

--American Slavery was the result of a multi-generational conspiracy to get in on the New World. North Western African tribes paid the Arabs to sell them to the Dutch and Portuguese. Alex Haley and black scholars have known about this for years but fear the loss Affirmative Action.

--There are no surviving descendants of the chosen people of the Bible. Jesus was the last Jew. The Arabs are their closest relatives but they got their own guy. Still, there was a Holocaust and it took place in New Jersey.

--Ireland is not a country. Scotland is.

--No one ever migrated to America for economic opportunity or political and religious freedoms. Everyone comes here because they heard you could get laid.

--White people can dance- just not to music.



Don Arrup
Satire1