We have about as much of a system of Health Care in this country as we had oversight in the housing market and disaster relief for New Orleans. We pay enough in insurance to send every eighth citizen to the Moon and that’s where they and another quarter of the population might as well be if they get sick. Satire1 asked the three presidential candidates to forget their proposals for a minute and just tell us what they want for themselves and their families from our health care chaos.
BO
I don’t see doctors anymore. They have too many opinions. Jeremiah Wright is a Doctor of Theology and he’s crazy. The guy who was giving me physicals in Chicago bought an option on tickets for the Cubs in the World Series this fall. Crazy. My wife and daughter go to an OBGYN. What does that mean? They still have their time of the month and rip me a new one in between. I don’t know what your tax dollars are paying for.
I go online to Web Sawbones and type in my symptoms and then order the drugs from Mexico. With orders over three hundred dollars they throw in a carton of Marlboros.
I have a health care plan something like Hillary’s. It won’t make much of a difference even if it gets past the lobbyists. Might get kids covered. That would be something, America caring for its kids. You know what makes me sick? Thinking about health care.
HC
Everywhere I go and speak to the American people I am always asked what’s the real difference between my health care plan and Senator Obama’s and I tell them, there’s no difference. There’s no difference between Senator Obama’s and my plan and Senator McCain’s. We’re all on the United States Senate’s millionaire club plan. We’re completely covered for whatever we want or need and you’re paying for it. You’re not going to get that. Oh, I’ll force your employer to offer you something that you’ll be forced to take which should make both of you miserable and drive more jobs overseas. You see my plan is all about choice.
JM
I won’t go to a doctor with a handicap over six. If he’s a surgeon he better not be four over par. And I try to get photographs of their golf shoes. They’ll tell you a lot more about his skill than the waste paper he’s framed over his wall. We’ll find a way to make health insurance premiums affordable to most Americans. We’ll never be able to get the insurance companies to pay up but under my administration I guarantee that you will be refused care by a licensed medical doctor or registered nurse. You don’t need layers of wasteful bureaucracy to say no. No matter what’s wrong with you you’re all right in my book. Of course, if either of my opponents has their way you’ll have a Jamaican woman waving a chicken over your head and telling you to drink more green tea.
Don Arrup
Satire1
