FBI Seize Get Out Of Jail Cards
“Rich Uncle Pennybags will not pass Go this time.”
Boardwalk Falls To Under $600
The jewel of Atlantic City real estate being offered for less than $600 for the first time since Parker Brothers constructed it in 1935. “They’re practically giving away Baltic Avenue for peanuts.”
Water Works Found Polluted While Electric Company Goes Way of Enron
It’s a roll of the dice to see if investors will recoup anything on these utilities. “Tap’s dry for pension funds and lights out for retirees who thought they had a safe investment.”
Fear of the Bank’s Failure Sends Players Scrambling
No FDIC protection for the colored money. “I might as well have my savings in a Money Market account.”
Building Boom Halts
“The green houses are too small and who wants to live in a red hotel? It looks like whore house.”
Fed Blocks Investors Selling Short on Short Line
“Anyone hopping on these railroads is in for a ride.”
Forget Free Parking, Community Chest Overwhelmed, No Chance
“Nothing good in the cards this time.”
Income and Luxury Tax Survive Intact
Figures.
Scottie Dog Dons Top Hat, Old Shoe and Thimble Before Shooting Himself with Cannon
Pooch once thought tough as tin couldn’t face real world consequences.
Treasury Secretary Paulson Threatens To Take Over Game
“Guess my old Wall Street friends will have to learn to play Sorry.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Sesame Street Agrees to Acquire Wall Street for One Trillion Cookies
As long-standing investment firms on Wall Street collapse or disappear Treasury Secretary Paulson has worked feverishly behinds the scenes in secret to find a buyer for the whole street. “We can’t keep running to the next hole in the dyke,” said Paulson. “Its time to sell the whole lesbian.”
Interest was shown in the purchase by the governments of Saudi Arabia, China and Russia but the offer was withdrawn for national security reasons. “We need an American buyer to keep this vital economic lifeline in local hands and avoid any chance of political blackmail,” said Paulson. That is when the Sesame Workshop was approached about the deal. “They’ve done a great job of running their street despite its wide array of conflicting interests and businesses. We’re sure the culture of Sesame Street will infect the Wall Street firms and inject them with a dose of reality.”
Sesame CEO Oscar the Grouch speaking from his trashcan agreed. “These Ivy League leaders were living in a world of fantasy. Its like they all shared the same infantile dream that the housing bubble would never burst. In a era of stagnant wages I can’t imagine how they could believe that people could keep paying more for their homes.”
“Its not calculus or even algebra but good simple arithmetic that housing prices can’t go up if the average person isn’t making more money. Obviously, these Harvards and Yalies need a brush up course in their numbers. Something we’re very good at doing here on Sesame Street,” added Slimey the Worm, CFO of SS STR.
As reporters pressed Oscar on why he would be willing to risk the acquisition of so much bad paper he replied by singing “I love trash” his signature song.
Sesame board member Big Bird said he understood the frenzy that led to the downfall of so many banks and hedge funds. “I wanted to buy a nest mansion in a better neighborhood but the prices were just so unreasonable. What they were asking for a twig and paper china bowl nest on East 83rd street was just insane. I’d rather live in one of those flimsy poured concrete and sheet rock monstrosities they sell the humans.”
Fellow board members Bert and Ernie agreed. “We would each love to have our own place,” said Ernie, “but with our take home pay and the reality of New York City rents cohabitation is a necessity. So Bert has to live with my Twiddlebugs and I have to live with his pigeons.”
“I’m tired of being called gay,” added Bert.
Sherlock Hemlock, world’s greatest detective and long time resident, has been pouring over the books of the various surviving Wall Street firms in search of discrepancies. “What do you want us to do,” asked Hemlock, “Trust Morgan Stanley to verify Morgan Stanley Trust?”
Cookie Monster appears to have been the lone board member who opposed the deal. “A trillion cookies? That’s like more than I could eat in a lifetime. Nothing is worth that.” Cookie had hoped to get Wall Street for less by waiting just one more news cycle.
“I hope not many of those suits end up moving into our block,” said Kermit the Frog, journalist and one time variety show host. “I mean we may be crawling with vampires, monsters and wild animals but those financiers are just out of control.”
Popular Sesame Street icon Elmo was unavailable for comment as he was being tickled at the time.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Interest was shown in the purchase by the governments of Saudi Arabia, China and Russia but the offer was withdrawn for national security reasons. “We need an American buyer to keep this vital economic lifeline in local hands and avoid any chance of political blackmail,” said Paulson. That is when the Sesame Workshop was approached about the deal. “They’ve done a great job of running their street despite its wide array of conflicting interests and businesses. We’re sure the culture of Sesame Street will infect the Wall Street firms and inject them with a dose of reality.”
Sesame CEO Oscar the Grouch speaking from his trashcan agreed. “These Ivy League leaders were living in a world of fantasy. Its like they all shared the same infantile dream that the housing bubble would never burst. In a era of stagnant wages I can’t imagine how they could believe that people could keep paying more for their homes.”
“Its not calculus or even algebra but good simple arithmetic that housing prices can’t go up if the average person isn’t making more money. Obviously, these Harvards and Yalies need a brush up course in their numbers. Something we’re very good at doing here on Sesame Street,” added Slimey the Worm, CFO of SS STR.
As reporters pressed Oscar on why he would be willing to risk the acquisition of so much bad paper he replied by singing “I love trash” his signature song.
Sesame board member Big Bird said he understood the frenzy that led to the downfall of so many banks and hedge funds. “I wanted to buy a nest mansion in a better neighborhood but the prices were just so unreasonable. What they were asking for a twig and paper china bowl nest on East 83rd street was just insane. I’d rather live in one of those flimsy poured concrete and sheet rock monstrosities they sell the humans.”
Fellow board members Bert and Ernie agreed. “We would each love to have our own place,” said Ernie, “but with our take home pay and the reality of New York City rents cohabitation is a necessity. So Bert has to live with my Twiddlebugs and I have to live with his pigeons.”
“I’m tired of being called gay,” added Bert.
Sherlock Hemlock, world’s greatest detective and long time resident, has been pouring over the books of the various surviving Wall Street firms in search of discrepancies. “What do you want us to do,” asked Hemlock, “Trust Morgan Stanley to verify Morgan Stanley Trust?”
Cookie Monster appears to have been the lone board member who opposed the deal. “A trillion cookies? That’s like more than I could eat in a lifetime. Nothing is worth that.” Cookie had hoped to get Wall Street for less by waiting just one more news cycle.
“I hope not many of those suits end up moving into our block,” said Kermit the Frog, journalist and one time variety show host. “I mean we may be crawling with vampires, monsters and wild animals but those financiers are just out of control.”
Popular Sesame Street icon Elmo was unavailable for comment as he was being tickled at the time.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Palin's Pitbull Bites Obama's Pig For Stealing Its Lipstick
Months after McCain put lipstick on Hillary Clinton’s health care pig Obama smeared McCain and Palin’s Bush policies pig. Now sows across the nation feel pressure to put on makeup before leaving their pens to socialize with other barnyard animals.
“After centuries of being the butt of overweight humor and the more recent hysteria against fat our sows are now burdened with these totally unreasonable expectations of body image and glamor,” said Porky star boar of film and television who often serves as a spokes-swine for his species. “ As if they di-di-di-di-didn’t have enough on their minds with feeding the piglets and keeping the pen tidy,”
Farmers fear that the added stress will result in weight loss and less pork belly profits. “It’s a real concern when major politicians and the media are pressuring your animals to live up to their affluent standards of appearance,” said Old McDonald who has a farm E I E I O. “And a lot of the sows are beginning to refuse mounting because they feel unattractive and unappreciated. It has the boars all frustrated and confused. I can’t tell you how many fights we’ve had in the barn this last week.”
Futures in pork bellies have skyrocketed on the commodities market as rumors of a sex strike among swine circulated while the stocks of cosmetic companies rise in anticipation of a whole new species market.
All this after Governor Palin’s reference to her hockey whore pooch has dog barbers and groomers complaining that their customers were demanding they hire a make up artist to service their pets.
“Dogs are the only animals sophisticated enough to wear makeup,” said Roxy Star well known fashion passion downtown actress and dog friend. “I took my Pokey out the other day and a woman referred to her as a pig because I hadn’t put eyeliner on her. I could see making Pokey up if she were wearing her best sweater and maybe a cap. Then makeup would be appropriate but obscuring her natural beauty everyday just because some politicians are squabbling is stupid.”
“Its about time politicians confronted the cosmetic failings of our domestic animals. It’s a national disgrace how poorly turned out so many of our pets and farm animals are,” said Terre Cherry popular New Jersey DJ, “Everyone knows neither party has a clue about what can be done about the housing market or oil prices so why don’t they take care of our other crises like too many ugly dogs?”
“I can’t even get my wife to wear lipstick,” said Old McDonald, “but now I can see she was on to something. Didn’t want to raise the bar too high in the barn. I know neither of these candidate clowns are going to make us prosperous or safe but somebody has got to bring home the bacon.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“After centuries of being the butt of overweight humor and the more recent hysteria against fat our sows are now burdened with these totally unreasonable expectations of body image and glamor,” said Porky star boar of film and television who often serves as a spokes-swine for his species. “ As if they di-di-di-di-didn’t have enough on their minds with feeding the piglets and keeping the pen tidy,”
Farmers fear that the added stress will result in weight loss and less pork belly profits. “It’s a real concern when major politicians and the media are pressuring your animals to live up to their affluent standards of appearance,” said Old McDonald who has a farm E I E I O. “And a lot of the sows are beginning to refuse mounting because they feel unattractive and unappreciated. It has the boars all frustrated and confused. I can’t tell you how many fights we’ve had in the barn this last week.”
Futures in pork bellies have skyrocketed on the commodities market as rumors of a sex strike among swine circulated while the stocks of cosmetic companies rise in anticipation of a whole new species market.
All this after Governor Palin’s reference to her hockey whore pooch has dog barbers and groomers complaining that their customers were demanding they hire a make up artist to service their pets.
“Dogs are the only animals sophisticated enough to wear makeup,” said Roxy Star well known fashion passion downtown actress and dog friend. “I took my Pokey out the other day and a woman referred to her as a pig because I hadn’t put eyeliner on her. I could see making Pokey up if she were wearing her best sweater and maybe a cap. Then makeup would be appropriate but obscuring her natural beauty everyday just because some politicians are squabbling is stupid.”
“Its about time politicians confronted the cosmetic failings of our domestic animals. It’s a national disgrace how poorly turned out so many of our pets and farm animals are,” said Terre Cherry popular New Jersey DJ, “Everyone knows neither party has a clue about what can be done about the housing market or oil prices so why don’t they take care of our other crises like too many ugly dogs?”
“I can’t even get my wife to wear lipstick,” said Old McDonald, “but now I can see she was on to something. Didn’t want to raise the bar too high in the barn. I know neither of these candidate clowns are going to make us prosperous or safe but somebody has got to bring home the bacon.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Palin Faked Daughter's Pregnancy, Now Daughter is Faking Hers
TOP PICKS FROM THE RNC RUMOR MILL
Palin Faked Daughter’s Pregnancy, Now Daughter is Faking Hers
McCain declined comment saying he didn’t know much about biology.
Fiorina Says Calling Palin a Mother is Sexist
“All we hear about is her executive experience as a mayor and a governor but do you have any idea what it takes to place in a beauty contest?”
Poll Shows 61% of Voters Won’t Vote for Ex-Con McCain
“To the North Vietnamese McCain was a terrorist.”
McCain Accused of Fathering Palin’s Grandchild
“I’m telling you it wasn’t me. It was some liberal community organizer.”
Palin Finally Declined Bridge to Nowhere but Thanks the American People for her New Sun Room
“It faces North by North West and that’s exactly where Putin will come for us.”
Palin Says US ABMs in Poland Will Protect Russia From Invasion from Mars
“Everyone knows that the Red Planet is Communist and aggressive. We had been sending them diplomatic feelers for decades but they’re just the North Korea of Space.”
McCain is Obama’s Father, Biden Sired Palin
This should break the partisan gridlock.
Palin Doesn’t Believe in Evolution
Understandable since there is no sign of it among Alaskans.
Palin Says Community Organizers Caused All of Country’s Woes
Understandable since community organizers in Alaska are referred to in the lower 48 as heads of lynch mobs.
Pairs Hilton Has Never Met Palin
Makes all the other rumors sound plausible.
Palin Denies Putting Lipstick on her Pit-bull
“I’m the bitch in my house, thank you.
Biden Has Offered No Opinion on Palin
Yeah, right.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Palin Faked Daughter’s Pregnancy, Now Daughter is Faking Hers
McCain declined comment saying he didn’t know much about biology.
Fiorina Says Calling Palin a Mother is Sexist
“All we hear about is her executive experience as a mayor and a governor but do you have any idea what it takes to place in a beauty contest?”
Poll Shows 61% of Voters Won’t Vote for Ex-Con McCain
“To the North Vietnamese McCain was a terrorist.”
McCain Accused of Fathering Palin’s Grandchild
“I’m telling you it wasn’t me. It was some liberal community organizer.”
Palin Finally Declined Bridge to Nowhere but Thanks the American People for her New Sun Room
“It faces North by North West and that’s exactly where Putin will come for us.”
Palin Says US ABMs in Poland Will Protect Russia From Invasion from Mars
“Everyone knows that the Red Planet is Communist and aggressive. We had been sending them diplomatic feelers for decades but they’re just the North Korea of Space.”
McCain is Obama’s Father, Biden Sired Palin
This should break the partisan gridlock.
Palin Doesn’t Believe in Evolution
Understandable since there is no sign of it among Alaskans.
Palin Says Community Organizers Caused All of Country’s Woes
Understandable since community organizers in Alaska are referred to in the lower 48 as heads of lynch mobs.
Pairs Hilton Has Never Met Palin
Makes all the other rumors sound plausible.
Palin Denies Putting Lipstick on her Pit-bull
“I’m the bitch in my house, thank you.
Biden Has Offered No Opinion on Palin
Yeah, right.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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