As long-standing investment firms on Wall Street collapse or disappear Treasury Secretary Paulson has worked feverishly behinds the scenes in secret to find a buyer for the whole street. “We can’t keep running to the next hole in the dyke,” said Paulson. “Its time to sell the whole lesbian.”
Interest was shown in the purchase by the governments of Saudi Arabia, China and Russia but the offer was withdrawn for national security reasons. “We need an American buyer to keep this vital economic lifeline in local hands and avoid any chance of political blackmail,” said Paulson. That is when the Sesame Workshop was approached about the deal. “They’ve done a great job of running their street despite its wide array of conflicting interests and businesses. We’re sure the culture of Sesame Street will infect the Wall Street firms and inject them with a dose of reality.”
Sesame CEO Oscar the Grouch speaking from his trashcan agreed. “These Ivy League leaders were living in a world of fantasy. Its like they all shared the same infantile dream that the housing bubble would never burst. In a era of stagnant wages I can’t imagine how they could believe that people could keep paying more for their homes.”
“Its not calculus or even algebra but good simple arithmetic that housing prices can’t go up if the average person isn’t making more money. Obviously, these Harvards and Yalies need a brush up course in their numbers. Something we’re very good at doing here on Sesame Street,” added Slimey the Worm, CFO of SS STR.
As reporters pressed Oscar on why he would be willing to risk the acquisition of so much bad paper he replied by singing “I love trash” his signature song.
Sesame board member Big Bird said he understood the frenzy that led to the downfall of so many banks and hedge funds. “I wanted to buy a nest mansion in a better neighborhood but the prices were just so unreasonable. What they were asking for a twig and paper china bowl nest on East 83rd street was just insane. I’d rather live in one of those flimsy poured concrete and sheet rock monstrosities they sell the humans.”
Fellow board members Bert and Ernie agreed. “We would each love to have our own place,” said Ernie, “but with our take home pay and the reality of New York City rents cohabitation is a necessity. So Bert has to live with my Twiddlebugs and I have to live with his pigeons.”
“I’m tired of being called gay,” added Bert.
Sherlock Hemlock, world’s greatest detective and long time resident, has been pouring over the books of the various surviving Wall Street firms in search of discrepancies. “What do you want us to do,” asked Hemlock, “Trust Morgan Stanley to verify Morgan Stanley Trust?”
Cookie Monster appears to have been the lone board member who opposed the deal. “A trillion cookies? That’s like more than I could eat in a lifetime. Nothing is worth that.” Cookie had hoped to get Wall Street for less by waiting just one more news cycle.
“I hope not many of those suits end up moving into our block,” said Kermit the Frog, journalist and one time variety show host. “I mean we may be crawling with vampires, monsters and wild animals but those financiers are just out of control.”
Popular Sesame Street icon Elmo was unavailable for comment as he was being tickled at the time.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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Social and Political musings of the Mad Playwright of 95th Street.
