We don’t have a cobbler in the White House or at the ranch. And I try not to wear my cowboy boots at diplomatic functions. I have a lot of those. My valet, Leonard, is great. He’s kept the tops of my dress shoes looking brand new but those red carpets are like sandpaper. I put a piece of newspaper in the bottom. Folded up the editorial page of the New York Times with the Op-ed and I thought I was good for the day but I was through my socks before I got into the car to the press conference. So I pulled over the head of my Secret Service detail and said Chief, you’ve got dossiers on all these Iraqi journalists. Find out if any of them are wear a 9 1/2 AA shoe. Then check them out to see if they’re wearing black today and invite them to a private audience. Well, there were only two. One was a mullah or something with these I don’t know genie shoes, I guess. They were black and I like pointy toes but not curled up in the air. The other Iraqi citizen, the one in custody now, had on something that looked like shoes and they were black so I offered him a hundred dollars and an exclusive interview. I don’t know how much he paid for the shoes but they were obviously not new anymore. I thought it was a fair price. He accepted and we shook hands on it before we touched our feet. But when he took off his shoes it was like a bio-funk bomb exploded. I immediately turned away but even my hanker chef couldn’t save my eyes and nostrils from burning. The Secret Service guys tackled him and put his shoes back on. They deserve a medal for that. I apologized as best I could without breathing and gave him the hundred dollars and thanked him and promised to still grant the exclusive interview over the phone before I returned to the states.
Now, I can appreciate that his feelings were hurt. We all have feelings. We all know what that is like. And we all know very bad things can happen with shoes. I did my best to apologize and offered full compensation for the shoes I didn’t want. I thought he accepted my apology. It was hard to tell since by that point I couldn’t see clearly and my ears were ringing like Dick Cheney had shown me his gun collection. I’m not saying that what he did was right. I’m just saying that if when it comes to shoes there are different rules, ones that are not written down. They don’t differ culture to culture. They are understood or I should say misunderstood universally. Now the law can’t make a whole parallel set of circumstances for shoes. It’s not okay to kill your wife with your shoes. A dog maybe. And you can kill your dog because of your shoes. He chewed them up or disrespected them with his leg up. But the law is the law and I expect the Iraqis will dispense justice. I just feel sorry for whoever has to share a cell with him. I hope it’s a terrorist because those shoes will come off again and God help whoever is in that room.
Don Arrup
Satire1
