From coast to coast shoppers killed clerks and each other in celebration of Black Friday the traditional start of the holiday shopping season.
“Nothing could be more American than clawing your way over injured bodies to save a few bucks,” said Milford Miff, second assistant mob manager at the Valley Stream Wal-Mart in Long Island where a holiday hire was trampled to death Friday. “Its all part of our company’s master plan. Refuse to sell anything made with a living wage. Impoverish the populace and then hire a few while addicting the rest to our sales. It’s a shame really that it was a young person. We would have much preferred it to be one of the Moms or Pops whose local store we closed.”
Fifteen miles to the east at the Farmingdale Wal-Mart shoppers trampled each other. One shopper sought medical treatment only after she finished shopping. “Let’s keep our priorities straight,” she was heard to say.
Meanwhile in California Toys “R” Us shoppers decided it was more efficient to shoot each other to get to the cashiers. “I saw the men pull the guns out,” said Elbow Clugg who was at the next cashier, “but I didn’t think anything of it. I mean it is a toy store.”
Staff Sergeant Wiley Rambol who has just recently returned from his third tour in Iraq wore his M-16 on shoulder as he shopped offered these thoughts. “I have been afraid to come out into public since returning to the states. After the relative calm of Baghdad, its really tough facing my fellow countrymen when there is a sale close to Christmas. I would have done all my shopping in Iraq but the instructions are in Arabic and their fruitcakes smell funny. My wife has been terribly worried about my safety since I’ve returned. As if she didn’t have enough to worry about with our three kids in school. She prays everyday that the kids will survive long enough to enlist so the government can send them someplace safe. What we need in this country is a surge to get things under control.”
After Friday’s news online shoppers began organizing “mall mauls” around the country so they would not be denied the full holiday experience. “We have people in every state directing Amazon and EBay shoppers to locations where they can fight over ridiculous toys and have the sort of punk rock pit experience that holiday shopping has become,” said Rob Crouch, online activist and former Hooters Santa. “Christmas is about outdoing your neighbor and for people who live in apartments and shop online there just isn’t any chance to rub anyone’s face in it.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
