President Obama having commented on recent altercation between the God of Light and the Prince of Darkness has apologized and asked Jehovah and Lucifer to come by the White House for a beer.
“I spoke without knowing all the facts. I’ve read the Bible and Milton but those are human accounts of a conflict older than McDonald’s. Now if God remains in heaven and the Devil continues to dwell in Hell I just don’t see any opportunity for progress. If the two great universal forces can’t be brought together in the same room I’m afraid that we the people will continue to suffer, age, rage and chose inappropriate footwear.”
“A guy calls up his health insurance company and tells the agent or the guy in India who answers the phone that their doctors have told him he’s dying and he immediately needs food, air, water, clothing and shelter or he’s going to die soon. He went to specialist after specialist hoping he would find another diagnosis but to no avail. Plagued with these relentless needs and just a breath or heartbeat away from death-as we all are- he pleaded with his health insurance company to save him. The person who only has a first name now holds the caller’s fate in his hands tells the insured that dying is exempt from coverage due to a pre-existing condition called birth. The company is compelled, even by state and federal law, to only accept people who were born and who can even recall the date of their birth. And since we begin dying from the moment we are born birth is a pre-condition to dying.”
“Now the dying caller wasn’t about to try to deny he was born. In all honesty he did fill in a date. A day he could not recall anything about. Not even sure he was even alive. The insurance company is acting within the law and has every right to deny the caller these prescriptions which he so desperately needs in order to survive.”
“Now you may to asking yourself what this has to do with inviting God and the Devil over for a beer and isn’t even this theological beer summit something Hilary should be handling as Secretary of Pants. I appreciate your confusion and if I had any idea whatsoever how they are linked except by our wider financial crisis I would explain it to you to the best of my ability.”
“We, the people of the United States and of the entire world, are stuck with this condition called Death because a Jewish couple from what I’ve read failed to obey God about this tree which started all the trouble in the Middle East which continues to this day. This is why we have to address Health Care, International Relations, Green Infrastructure, God, the Devil now in order to create an economy that will serve the needs of the born.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Where's Obama?
Rumors, riots, demonstrations and spontaneous marches took place across the nation as the American public turned on their television sets Thursday night and President Obama was not lecturing the nation on the need to be calm.
“He wasn’t on Today or Oprah or whoever does the Tonight Show. Where is Obama? Do we still have a President?”
“They couldn’t have impeached him since yesterday. I thought it must be a conspiracy.”
“Obama’s been turning grey so quickly I thought maybe Michelle made him quit.”
“I think he made himself sick trying to push Health Care reform through.”
As Obama’s absence from the airways continued into Friday afternoon panic began to grip the nation. Commentators offered little solace with half hearted speculations that President Obama might be holed up in the Oval Office actually executing his duties as chief executive officer of the United States.
“I didn’t vote for him to be doing that same old crap. I voted for him to be on TV telling the country every night that The Man for once isn’t a white guy.”
“Maybe he’s on vacation. Does he have a ranch like the last one?”
“At least when he was overseas we knew where he was. Like that African country that fights Star Trek.”
“I never knew what he was talking about but I knew he was talking to me.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“He wasn’t on Today or Oprah or whoever does the Tonight Show. Where is Obama? Do we still have a President?”
“They couldn’t have impeached him since yesterday. I thought it must be a conspiracy.”
“Obama’s been turning grey so quickly I thought maybe Michelle made him quit.”
“I think he made himself sick trying to push Health Care reform through.”
As Obama’s absence from the airways continued into Friday afternoon panic began to grip the nation. Commentators offered little solace with half hearted speculations that President Obama might be holed up in the Oval Office actually executing his duties as chief executive officer of the United States.
“I didn’t vote for him to be doing that same old crap. I voted for him to be on TV telling the country every night that The Man for once isn’t a white guy.”
“Maybe he’s on vacation. Does he have a ranch like the last one?”
“At least when he was overseas we knew where he was. Like that African country that fights Star Trek.”
“I never knew what he was talking about but I knew he was talking to me.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, July 18, 2009
You Judge
Satire1’s favorite excerpts from the Judge Sotomayor’s Senate Confirmation Hearings:
Sen. Hitler
“In a speech to mongrel Affirmative Action communists you were quoted as saying that you hoped that ‘an older Latina woman’ would make a wiser decision than a white man. It’s a common conceit among all groups, since everyone is a minority of one form or another that their group’s suffering is unique and gives them a special insight not available to outsiders. So my question to you is this. Do you think that I by virtue of my race have a smaller penis than the average Latino man?”
Soto
“ Penis size is not a factor that I generally take into account when judging a case.
Sen. Hitler
“Let’s be honest, Maria, you can feel my probe right now. Do I feel like someone you would like to date if you were single?”
Soto
“I think you would have a better time with Justice Roberts.”
Sen. Marx
“I’ve noted in your biography, Judge, that you grew up in government owned housing in the Bronx borough of New York City. You were nourished by the federal government’s food stamp program and clothed by welfare checks. You attended New York City public schools where you were taught that your state was your father and the city your mother and that the federal government alone is god. Having reaped the bounty of our socialist paradise you attended Princeton and Yale Law School on scholarship and attained as fine an education as the world offers. So would you explain to me, Judge, in your own personal opinion why your borough alone among the five is preceded by ‘the’ and do you think that I might simply refer to it as Bronx and not the Bronx?”
Soto
“You do and I will be needing the services of your proctologist to retrieve my gavel.”
Sen. Gun
“Judge, the second amendment of the Constitution states that ‘A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.’ Now, in your legal opinion, don’t you think that the founding fathers also intended that the people had the right to keep their legs as well and that their legs should not be infringed upon?
Soto
“Though I am not a social historian my understanding of the time in which the Constitution was written local laws forbade bare legs in public.”
Sen. Gun
“Judge, why is Militia capitalized and the people written in lower case?”
Soto
“As I used to tell my classes at Columbia Law Militia here refers to what we would today call a gang. Gangs of that era raped women who worked outside their homes; hunted down escaped slaves and bondsmen; murdered debtors and bill collectors; suppressed free speech and generally maintained what was then considered civil society. Their reference is capitalized in deference to their close proximity to the chambers in which the Constitution was voted on.”
Sen. Dove
“Your Honor, do you believe that torture can be exempted from the Constitution’s prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment if the tortured is a candidate for lifelong tenure on the United States Supreme Court?
Soto
“The separation of powers delineated in the Constitution puts the floor of both the House of Representatives and the Senate beyond the reach of the courts. Thus the history of canings, shootings and murders in which the legislative representatives of the people are a law or lawlessness unto themselves.”
Sen. Hawk
“Do you, Judge, believe there are activist judges?
Soto
“I take the fifth.”
Sen. Hawk
“Amendment or rum?”
Soto
“Both.”
Sen. Bun
“Judge, is there any mention of marriage, abortion, stem cells, second hand smoke, greenhouse gases, healthcare, bailouts, the Internet or your shoes in the Constitution?”
Soto
“ A properly tailored robe hides a judge’s feet. Neither the plaintive nor the defendant knows if the judge is in fact wearing shoes at all. Justice is not blind but blindfolded and there is a difference between being sightless and voluntarily surrendering sight temporarily for the purpose of an ideal. But the blindfold that Justice wears is of necessity loose so that our personified virtue can see where she is stepping. Justice is not interested in our face but I suspect that since she is a female deity or ideal that she is deeply fascinated by our footwear or lack thereof. I am here in Washington to provide the members of this committee with every opportunity to posture, grandstand, pontificate and show off for the cameras. I have been grilled over senseless abstractions posing as legal questions, particular phrases I used in hour long lectures delivered over a decade ago, the effect my television viewing choices in childhood had on my subsequent legal career and whether I put out on the first date. If confirmed I will be the third woman to serve on the nation’s highest court and I chose to refer to my judicial robe as a moo moo in the company of friends. Thank you, Senators.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Sen. Hitler
“In a speech to mongrel Affirmative Action communists you were quoted as saying that you hoped that ‘an older Latina woman’ would make a wiser decision than a white man. It’s a common conceit among all groups, since everyone is a minority of one form or another that their group’s suffering is unique and gives them a special insight not available to outsiders. So my question to you is this. Do you think that I by virtue of my race have a smaller penis than the average Latino man?”
Soto
“ Penis size is not a factor that I generally take into account when judging a case.
Sen. Hitler
“Let’s be honest, Maria, you can feel my probe right now. Do I feel like someone you would like to date if you were single?”
Soto
“I think you would have a better time with Justice Roberts.”
Sen. Marx
“I’ve noted in your biography, Judge, that you grew up in government owned housing in the Bronx borough of New York City. You were nourished by the federal government’s food stamp program and clothed by welfare checks. You attended New York City public schools where you were taught that your state was your father and the city your mother and that the federal government alone is god. Having reaped the bounty of our socialist paradise you attended Princeton and Yale Law School on scholarship and attained as fine an education as the world offers. So would you explain to me, Judge, in your own personal opinion why your borough alone among the five is preceded by ‘the’ and do you think that I might simply refer to it as Bronx and not the Bronx?”
Soto
“You do and I will be needing the services of your proctologist to retrieve my gavel.”
Sen. Gun
“Judge, the second amendment of the Constitution states that ‘A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.’ Now, in your legal opinion, don’t you think that the founding fathers also intended that the people had the right to keep their legs as well and that their legs should not be infringed upon?
Soto
“Though I am not a social historian my understanding of the time in which the Constitution was written local laws forbade bare legs in public.”
Sen. Gun
“Judge, why is Militia capitalized and the people written in lower case?”
Soto
“As I used to tell my classes at Columbia Law Militia here refers to what we would today call a gang. Gangs of that era raped women who worked outside their homes; hunted down escaped slaves and bondsmen; murdered debtors and bill collectors; suppressed free speech and generally maintained what was then considered civil society. Their reference is capitalized in deference to their close proximity to the chambers in which the Constitution was voted on.”
Sen. Dove
“Your Honor, do you believe that torture can be exempted from the Constitution’s prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment if the tortured is a candidate for lifelong tenure on the United States Supreme Court?
Soto
“The separation of powers delineated in the Constitution puts the floor of both the House of Representatives and the Senate beyond the reach of the courts. Thus the history of canings, shootings and murders in which the legislative representatives of the people are a law or lawlessness unto themselves.”
Sen. Hawk
“Do you, Judge, believe there are activist judges?
Soto
“I take the fifth.”
Sen. Hawk
“Amendment or rum?”
Soto
“Both.”
Sen. Bun
“Judge, is there any mention of marriage, abortion, stem cells, second hand smoke, greenhouse gases, healthcare, bailouts, the Internet or your shoes in the Constitution?”
Soto
“ A properly tailored robe hides a judge’s feet. Neither the plaintive nor the defendant knows if the judge is in fact wearing shoes at all. Justice is not blind but blindfolded and there is a difference between being sightless and voluntarily surrendering sight temporarily for the purpose of an ideal. But the blindfold that Justice wears is of necessity loose so that our personified virtue can see where she is stepping. Justice is not interested in our face but I suspect that since she is a female deity or ideal that she is deeply fascinated by our footwear or lack thereof. I am here in Washington to provide the members of this committee with every opportunity to posture, grandstand, pontificate and show off for the cameras. I have been grilled over senseless abstractions posing as legal questions, particular phrases I used in hour long lectures delivered over a decade ago, the effect my television viewing choices in childhood had on my subsequent legal career and whether I put out on the first date. If confirmed I will be the third woman to serve on the nation’s highest court and I chose to refer to my judicial robe as a moo moo in the company of friends. Thank you, Senators.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Foreclosures Costing Ghosts Jobs
Statistics released yesterday by the Bureau of Paranormal Affairs claim record high unemployment among ghosts, phantoms and disembodied voices as foreclosures empty houses of the audiences these specters depend on for their dyinghood.
“There’s just nobody to haunt in this whole neighborhood,” said Eleanor Minsk (deceased 1931). “The few families that are left think I’m from a collection agency.”
“I’ve been all geared up on weekend afternoons counting on realtors to at least bring in some matinees but there’s been nobody,” said Harold Tater (suicide 1964). “ I don’t know why I bother to gather my vibrations.”
“Nobody gives a boo when credit card bills and mortgage payments are worse than any nightmare.”
Edgar Allen Poe offered a perspective. “I’ve been dead for over a hundred and fifty years and have to travel constantly between Baltimore, Philadelphia and New York to keep my homes haunted and I tell you I’ve never seen anything like this. It was bad after the Civil War with more ghosts than houses in some counties and scaring squatters in the Great Depression made a lot of spirits give up the ghost but this recession is scary.”
In response to the crisis the National Parks Administration is extending visiting hours to national shrines to accommodate more dead veterans but admits that there has been a waiting list for years. “We haven’t had a spot free for a Vietnam Vet yet and we’re in two ongoing wars.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“There’s just nobody to haunt in this whole neighborhood,” said Eleanor Minsk (deceased 1931). “The few families that are left think I’m from a collection agency.”
“I’ve been all geared up on weekend afternoons counting on realtors to at least bring in some matinees but there’s been nobody,” said Harold Tater (suicide 1964). “ I don’t know why I bother to gather my vibrations.”
“Nobody gives a boo when credit card bills and mortgage payments are worse than any nightmare.”
Edgar Allen Poe offered a perspective. “I’ve been dead for over a hundred and fifty years and have to travel constantly between Baltimore, Philadelphia and New York to keep my homes haunted and I tell you I’ve never seen anything like this. It was bad after the Civil War with more ghosts than houses in some counties and scaring squatters in the Great Depression made a lot of spirits give up the ghost but this recession is scary.”
In response to the crisis the National Parks Administration is extending visiting hours to national shrines to accommodate more dead veterans but admits that there has been a waiting list for years. “We haven’t had a spot free for a Vietnam Vet yet and we’re in two ongoing wars.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
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