Statistics released yesterday by the Bureau of Paranormal Affairs claim record high unemployment among ghosts, phantoms and disembodied voices as foreclosures empty houses of the audiences these specters depend on for their dyinghood.
“There’s just nobody to haunt in this whole neighborhood,” said Eleanor Minsk (deceased 1931). “The few families that are left think I’m from a collection agency.”
“I’ve been all geared up on weekend afternoons counting on realtors to at least bring in some matinees but there’s been nobody,” said Harold Tater (suicide 1964). “ I don’t know why I bother to gather my vibrations.”
“Nobody gives a boo when credit card bills and mortgage payments are worse than any nightmare.”
Edgar Allen Poe offered a perspective. “I’ve been dead for over a hundred and fifty years and have to travel constantly between Baltimore, Philadelphia and New York to keep my homes haunted and I tell you I’ve never seen anything like this. It was bad after the Civil War with more ghosts than houses in some counties and scaring squatters in the Great Depression made a lot of spirits give up the ghost but this recession is scary.”
In response to the crisis the National Parks Administration is extending visiting hours to national shrines to accommodate more dead veterans but admits that there has been a waiting list for years. “We haven’t had a spot free for a Vietnam Vet yet and we’re in two ongoing wars.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
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