You Judge

Satire1’s favorite excerpts from the Judge Sotomayor’s Senate Confirmation Hearings:

Sen. Hitler
“In a speech to mongrel Affirmative Action communists you were quoted as saying that you hoped that ‘an older Latina woman’ would make a wiser decision than a white man. It’s a common conceit among all groups, since everyone is a minority of one form or another that their group’s suffering is unique and gives them a special insight not available to outsiders. So my question to you is this. Do you think that I by virtue of my race have a smaller penis than the average Latino man?”

Soto
“ Penis size is not a factor that I generally take into account when judging a case.

Sen. Hitler
“Let’s be honest, Maria, you can feel my probe right now. Do I feel like someone you would like to date if you were single?”

Soto
“I think you would have a better time with Justice Roberts.”

Sen. Marx
“I’ve noted in your biography, Judge, that you grew up in government owned housing in the Bronx borough of New York City. You were nourished by the federal government’s food stamp program and clothed by welfare checks. You attended New York City public schools where you were taught that your state was your father and the city your mother and that the federal government alone is god. Having reaped the bounty of our socialist paradise you attended Princeton and Yale Law School on scholarship and attained as fine an education as the world offers. So would you explain to me, Judge, in your own personal opinion why your borough alone among the five is preceded by ‘the’ and do you think that I might simply refer to it as Bronx and not the Bronx?”

Soto
“You do and I will be needing the services of your proctologist to retrieve my gavel.”

Sen. Gun
“Judge, the second amendment of the Constitution states that ‘A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.’ Now, in your legal opinion, don’t you think that the founding fathers also intended that the people had the right to keep their legs as well and that their legs should not be infringed upon?

Soto
“Though I am not a social historian my understanding of the time in which the Constitution was written local laws forbade bare legs in public.”

Sen. Gun
“Judge, why is Militia capitalized and the people written in lower case?”

Soto
“As I used to tell my classes at Columbia Law Militia here refers to what we would today call a gang. Gangs of that era raped women who worked outside their homes; hunted down escaped slaves and bondsmen; murdered debtors and bill collectors; suppressed free speech and generally maintained what was then considered civil society. Their reference is capitalized in deference to their close proximity to the chambers in which the Constitution was voted on.”

Sen. Dove
“Your Honor, do you believe that torture can be exempted from the Constitution’s prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment if the tortured is a candidate for lifelong tenure on the United States Supreme Court?

Soto
“The separation of powers delineated in the Constitution puts the floor of both the House of Representatives and the Senate beyond the reach of the courts. Thus the history of canings, shootings and murders in which the legislative representatives of the people are a law or lawlessness unto themselves.”

Sen. Hawk
“Do you, Judge, believe there are activist judges?

Soto
“I take the fifth.”

Sen. Hawk
“Amendment or rum?”

Soto
“Both.”

Sen. Bun
“Judge, is there any mention of marriage, abortion, stem cells, second hand smoke, greenhouse gases, healthcare, bailouts, the Internet or your shoes in the Constitution?”

Soto
“ A properly tailored robe hides a judge’s feet. Neither the plaintive nor the defendant knows if the judge is in fact wearing shoes at all. Justice is not blind but blindfolded and there is a difference between being sightless and voluntarily surrendering sight temporarily for the purpose of an ideal. But the blindfold that Justice wears is of necessity loose so that our personified virtue can see where she is stepping. Justice is not interested in our face but I suspect that since she is a female deity or ideal that she is deeply fascinated by our footwear or lack thereof. I am here in Washington to provide the members of this committee with every opportunity to posture, grandstand, pontificate and show off for the cameras. I have been grilled over senseless abstractions posing as legal questions, particular phrases I used in hour long lectures delivered over a decade ago, the effect my television viewing choices in childhood had on my subsequent legal career and whether I put out on the first date. If confirmed I will be the third woman to serve on the nation’s highest court and I chose to refer to my judicial robe as a moo moo in the company of friends. Thank you, Senators.”

Don Arrup
Satire1