Article 1 Section 2 of The Constitution of the United States calls for a enumeration of the populace every ten years in each of the States to determine the amount of Congresspersons to be elected to the House of Representatives. The data is only released in a statistical form while personal information of respondents is protected by regulation, law and the integrity of the Census Bureau employees. Personal information can be released 72 years after collection but until that time it can not be viewed by anyone outside the Bureau even the FBI and Immigration authorities. The statistical information is important in the distribution of Federal and State funds for infrastructure and services and to have any idea of just what the hell is actually going on with we the people on the most basic level.
Experience the truly rare moment of equality as you are acknowledged as a human being that dwells among us within the borders of these United States. Fill out and mail without charge your Census form and remember that you are Uncle Sam or Aunt Samantha. Stand up and be counted.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Don't Care Bill
After a sweeping backroom grand compromise between Republican and Democratic leadership both houses of Congress unanimously passed the Don’t Care Bill effectively making the occurrence of illness in the uninsured a federal crime. Obama immediately held a press conference promising to sign.
“For years and especially since the financial crisis more and more American families have been asking themselves what will they do if they can’t afford health insurance and then get sick. Well now, after intense months of negotiating and courageous bipartisan compromise we have an answer for the American people: You will go to prison.”
“This bill provides for minimal care to be provided in a safe, secure penitentiary at no cost to the patient and their convalescence will be counted as time served on their sentence. Now this is minimal care. If you are on fire we will put you out. If you have cancer we won’t let you smoke. These are serious scientific and cost effective therapies that have been approved by a majority of accountants and they are the road to restoring the health of our economy.”
“For decades, while every other industrialized nation instituted some form of universal care, we Americans have been having the same old argument. Do you want a government bureaucrat deciding whether you live or die or would you prefer an accountant at an insurance company making that call?”
“And this criminalization will create jobs for Americans. We obviously will never compensate experienced nurses enough to educate nursing students so why not go with the fiscally sound alternative of minimum wage prison guards?”
“Our correctional industry has enjoyed record growth in the last decade and appears to be recession proof. We can offer relief for cash strapped state governments at both ends by combining their prison systems with Medicaid and produce a savings for tax payers on both the state and federal levels.”
“As our population ages along with the explosion in obesity and diabetes Americans will never again have to worry about what to do about the uninsured. There will be no uninsured only the unincarcerated.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
“For years and especially since the financial crisis more and more American families have been asking themselves what will they do if they can’t afford health insurance and then get sick. Well now, after intense months of negotiating and courageous bipartisan compromise we have an answer for the American people: You will go to prison.”
“This bill provides for minimal care to be provided in a safe, secure penitentiary at no cost to the patient and their convalescence will be counted as time served on their sentence. Now this is minimal care. If you are on fire we will put you out. If you have cancer we won’t let you smoke. These are serious scientific and cost effective therapies that have been approved by a majority of accountants and they are the road to restoring the health of our economy.”
“For decades, while every other industrialized nation instituted some form of universal care, we Americans have been having the same old argument. Do you want a government bureaucrat deciding whether you live or die or would you prefer an accountant at an insurance company making that call?”
“And this criminalization will create jobs for Americans. We obviously will never compensate experienced nurses enough to educate nursing students so why not go with the fiscally sound alternative of minimum wage prison guards?”
“Our correctional industry has enjoyed record growth in the last decade and appears to be recession proof. We can offer relief for cash strapped state governments at both ends by combining their prison systems with Medicaid and produce a savings for tax payers on both the state and federal levels.”
“As our population ages along with the explosion in obesity and diabetes Americans will never again have to worry about what to do about the uninsured. There will be no uninsured only the unincarcerated.”
Don Arrup
Satire1
Friday, March 12, 2010
Investment Planning For The Terminally Ill
Okay, let’s say you have three months to live. How can you make your retirement fund stretch comfortably to summer in our imploding economic times? Here are a few simple tips to make your golden spring a lasting one.
First, no treasury bills. You will almost certainly outlive the American dollar. Forget the Euro. It’s already dropping faster than your pants. Greece and Spain are as doomed as New York and California. You’ll be glad you’re not alive when they hit the fan. So forget about anything that is issued by a government.
The Stock Market, on any exchange, is a computer game and the game is over. Gold is too heavy and you won’t be able to give away silver or precious stones except to children if there still are any.
Real Estate is generally frowned upon. Climatic changes are accelerating. By next week hurricanes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions and earthquakes will be considered mild weather. Buy caves. Caves will be the hot market in real estate before the end of April.
Firearms but most of all ammunition will be the currency in the coming months. So I would suggest a four to six hundred to one ratio of ammo to firearm depending on your trigger finger. Those hoping to survive six months should simply purchase, extort and steal all they can get. Though the price of grenades, bazookas and heavy machine guns has skyrocketed this winter they are still a bargain at any price. You have to have a few heavy hitters in your portfolio in order to not be exposed.
But most importantly, and I cannot emphasize this enough, buy some ass. Ass is a good investment in any economic climate and it will help you get your mind off your investments and death.
Don Arrup
Satire1
First, no treasury bills. You will almost certainly outlive the American dollar. Forget the Euro. It’s already dropping faster than your pants. Greece and Spain are as doomed as New York and California. You’ll be glad you’re not alive when they hit the fan. So forget about anything that is issued by a government.
The Stock Market, on any exchange, is a computer game and the game is over. Gold is too heavy and you won’t be able to give away silver or precious stones except to children if there still are any.
Real Estate is generally frowned upon. Climatic changes are accelerating. By next week hurricanes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions and earthquakes will be considered mild weather. Buy caves. Caves will be the hot market in real estate before the end of April.
Firearms but most of all ammunition will be the currency in the coming months. So I would suggest a four to six hundred to one ratio of ammo to firearm depending on your trigger finger. Those hoping to survive six months should simply purchase, extort and steal all they can get. Though the price of grenades, bazookas and heavy machine guns has skyrocketed this winter they are still a bargain at any price. You have to have a few heavy hitters in your portfolio in order to not be exposed.
But most importantly, and I cannot emphasize this enough, buy some ass. Ass is a good investment in any economic climate and it will help you get your mind off your investments and death.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Taliban Overruns Alaska
The combined forces of Pakistani and Afghan Taliban along with the powerful Yemenis navy have seized the ports of Juno and Fairbanks and are cleansing the state of board games and harmonicas. The Super TaliYemBan (STY) as the expeditionary force calls itself has not yet declared mission accomplished claiming that they did not come for gold or oil but to capture President Palin.
“We watch her on Saturday Night Satellite and want her legs,” a spokesman said. “We get her in a burka and we go.”
Former Governor Sarah Palin said that she has never eaten a falafel and believes that nightgowns shouldn’t cover the face. “Maybe if you break out in a lot of zits or have an Stephan King night with your husband.”
Palin expressed regret that her home state had fallen into foreign hands but felt that the federal government should for the most part stay out of it. “I can understand the United State Military sending troops to take back the air bases, navel facilities and pipeline but as for the towns and villages I believe that Alaskans should liberate themselves.”
Senate Majority Leader Reid immediately dismissed Alaska’s two senators and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi asked the FBI to arrest the former 49th state’s sole congressman as an enemy combatant. “I always felt that after 9/11 we should have invaded Alaska,” said Speaker Pelosi. “It has always been a terrorist state and what a lot of Americans don’t realize is that the award winning television program Northern Exposure was shot in Washington State and was written by New Yorkers. So Alaska has never really been anything except an oil rich Muslim Canadian province. They play ice hockey all year for Christ’s sakes. That is not American.”
President Obama responded that Alaska couldn’t have been conquered at a better time. “Since we’re adopting Afghanistan we might as well make it a state. This will give the Afghan people something to bitch about besides our flying murder robots. After they survive our April 15th the drones will be no big deal. And we won’t have to change our flag.”
Native Americans of the region say they don’t care which white people tyrannize the other white people but they like the new guys’ caps.
Don Arrup
Satire1
“We watch her on Saturday Night Satellite and want her legs,” a spokesman said. “We get her in a burka and we go.”
Former Governor Sarah Palin said that she has never eaten a falafel and believes that nightgowns shouldn’t cover the face. “Maybe if you break out in a lot of zits or have an Stephan King night with your husband.”
Palin expressed regret that her home state had fallen into foreign hands but felt that the federal government should for the most part stay out of it. “I can understand the United State Military sending troops to take back the air bases, navel facilities and pipeline but as for the towns and villages I believe that Alaskans should liberate themselves.”
Senate Majority Leader Reid immediately dismissed Alaska’s two senators and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi asked the FBI to arrest the former 49th state’s sole congressman as an enemy combatant. “I always felt that after 9/11 we should have invaded Alaska,” said Speaker Pelosi. “It has always been a terrorist state and what a lot of Americans don’t realize is that the award winning television program Northern Exposure was shot in Washington State and was written by New Yorkers. So Alaska has never really been anything except an oil rich Muslim Canadian province. They play ice hockey all year for Christ’s sakes. That is not American.”
President Obama responded that Alaska couldn’t have been conquered at a better time. “Since we’re adopting Afghanistan we might as well make it a state. This will give the Afghan people something to bitch about besides our flying murder robots. After they survive our April 15th the drones will be no big deal. And we won’t have to change our flag.”
Native Americans of the region say they don’t care which white people tyrannize the other white people but they like the new guys’ caps.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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