Don't Care Bill

After a sweeping backroom grand compromise between Republican and Democratic leadership both houses of Congress unanimously passed the Don’t Care Bill effectively making the occurrence of illness in the uninsured a federal crime. Obama immediately held a press conference promising to sign.

“For years and especially since the financial crisis more and more American families have been asking themselves what will they do if they can’t afford health insurance and then get sick. Well now, after intense months of negotiating and courageous bipartisan compromise we have an answer for the American people: You will go to prison.”

“This bill provides for minimal care to be provided in a safe, secure penitentiary at no cost to the patient and their convalescence will be counted as time served on their sentence. Now this is minimal care. If you are on fire we will put you out. If you have cancer we won’t let you smoke. These are serious scientific and cost effective therapies that have been approved by a majority of accountants and they are the road to restoring the health of our economy.”

“For decades, while every other industrialized nation instituted some form of universal care, we Americans have been having the same old argument. Do you want a government bureaucrat deciding whether you live or die or would you prefer an accountant at an insurance company making that call?”

“And this criminalization will create jobs for Americans. We obviously will never compensate experienced nurses enough to educate nursing students so why not go with the fiscally sound alternative of minimum wage prison guards?”

“Our correctional industry has enjoyed record growth in the last decade and appears to be recession proof. We can offer relief for cash strapped state governments at both ends by combining their prison systems with Medicaid and produce a savings for tax payers on both the state and federal levels.”

“As our population ages along with the explosion in obesity and diabetes Americans will never again have to worry about what to do about the uninsured. There will be no uninsured only the unincarcerated.”

Don Arrup
Satire1