With no deficit ceiling deal in sight Satire1 feels compelled to list the changes that will take place on August 2cd or 3rd when the federal government defaults on its debts.
The U. S. Mint will strike the words and symbols for cent(s) and dollar(s) from coin and paper currency with a stamp embossed with a red question mark. Major retailers have already begun retooling pricing guns and billing printers to reflect the change from the dollar to the question mark.
After Social Security checks fail to arrive your mother and her best friend will move in with you. And they will be in a good mood.
American troops in Afghanistan will defect to the Taliban who still pays in tobacco and poppies.
China will invade and hold Japan in escrow.
Greece, Portugal, Italy and Spain will overrun France and Germany and declare the American Question Mark the only recognized currency in Europe.
Gasoline stations, pharmacies and liquor stores will only accept gold and ammunition for their products.
Credit cards will be replaced by biometric butt cleavage swipes. Your ass will be billed directly.
The United Nations Food for the Affluent Project predicts that those “with no ass at all” will face starvation and hemorrhoids.
Four divisions of the United States Army will seal the southern boarder and prevent illegal immigrants from returning to Mexico.
Hospitals and Community Health Clinics will return to their original functions as mortuaries.
All Air Traffic Controllers will be dismissed. Flight departures and arrivals will improve dramatically.
As restaurants, convenience stores and drive in take out joints close hundreds of millions of Americans will be reduced to cooking their own food.
Schools will open in September without teachers. Educational video games will be played under the supervision of hobos and other professionals from the hard-core homeless population. Test scores in cities will rise to near literate levels.
Leading business schools will follow Harvard’s lead in dropping courses and majors in Finance, Banking and Investment and replacing them with Brothel Management, Narcotics Marketing, Hypnotism and Lobbying.
Satire1 will have a decent post for once.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Obama Declares War on Neptune
President Obama addresses the nation:
My fellow Americans as you are all aware our Midwestern States have been under constant bombardment this season by the elements of wind and water taking the lives of our citizens and causing irreparable damage to homes, communities and even entire towns. This threat to our lives and economy is nothing new but whereas in the past our forefathers shrugged them off as the acts of God new intelligence has been brought to light by the Central Intelligence Agency proving that this was not the act of the one true God but of a pagan deity who has been tyrannizing the people of the Mediterranean for over two millenniums.
This terrorist goes by many names: Poseidon, Earth Shaker, Giver of Horses and Neptune. He has been positively identified as the force behind all of the tornadoes, tsunamis, floods, hurricanes, typhoons and earthquakes. As tyrant of the waters, wind and tectonic plates he is responsible for the flooding of New Orleans through his daughter Katrina, the recent devastation of Japan and now he has turned his aggression to the very heart of America.
Our battle with Neptune is nothing new. We had begun looking into his network over twenty years ago but as long as Neptune wreaked his devastation on third world countries and our poorest regions we gave it no priority. Now he is again targeting us and is even going after our white people.
In secret communiqués to the International Monetary Fund Neptune has threatened to ravage the economies of the major economic powers if his homeland of Greece is not given better rates on their loans. The Peoples Republic of China which has been suffering massive quakes of late claims to have evidence that Neptune solicited his niece Venus to put the love madness on the Managing Director of the IMF in order to depose him.
The United Nations Security Council has remained in session since it became apparent last March that Neptune has turned to nuclear terrorism in attacking Japans Fukushima Daiichi Reactors.
The battle with Neptune will require a coordinated international effort since water, wind and horses are everywhere. Historians contend that the Roman Emperor Caligula’s war against Neptune ended inconclusively due to a lack of such international cooperation. We have better technology and weaponry now but since the United Nations acts only after the slaughter and NATO proved to be useless in Libya I have called for unilateral action by our military to be taken immediately.
After consulting the leading members of both parties of Congress I ordered the Navy to begin bombing the floor of the oceans. Special drone submarines have been deployed to bomb the deepest depths of the seas and under the polar caps. In cooperation with our neighboring allies of Canada and Mexico our armies have surrounded the Great Lakes and the Gulf. Last year’s oil spill is now suspected to be the work of Neptune and his nymphs but we’ll take the BP money anyway. The Coast Guard has closed all harbors and remains on high alert at our coastlines. As we speak the Air Force is patrolling our coastlines and flat states with orders to shoot to kill any tornado or hurricane that comes into sight.
We need the American people to understand that not all of this terrorism can be traced to Ancient Greece and Rome. The Department of Homeland Security in cooperation with the Federal Bureau of Investigation has implicated, located and arrested Old Man River and is currently holding him for questioning.
In response to my critics over my policy regarding torture I say this. Torture is not in alignment with American values and has rarely proven to be effective. I see no advantage to be gained in waterboarding Old Man River since he is made of water and though he has yet to confess he does seem to be rolling along.
Within the next twenty-four hours the Justice Department will issue Emergency Directive Number 441 outlawing the filling of pools, flying of kites and any other activity that might aid and empower the enemy. All equestrian sports including the Belmont Stakes are cancelled since he is known to be the god of horses as well.
This is a full bipartisan effort and commitment to meet the threat posed by the Olympian and his agents and a guarantee from your federal government to deliver the same protection and rescue that we have demonstrated on 9/11, in New Orleans and the Gulf of Mexico.
In conclusion I ask the American people to understand that these actions are not meant as a declaration of war on water, wind and the Earth themselves. Indeed, our bodies are mostly composed of water and the Earth is our home. Our foe is radical Olympian Paganism that seeks to subjugate modern societies to the elements of Nature and the limitations of the planet’s resources. And that is something I promise you the American people will never submit to.
Don Arrup
Satire1
My fellow Americans as you are all aware our Midwestern States have been under constant bombardment this season by the elements of wind and water taking the lives of our citizens and causing irreparable damage to homes, communities and even entire towns. This threat to our lives and economy is nothing new but whereas in the past our forefathers shrugged them off as the acts of God new intelligence has been brought to light by the Central Intelligence Agency proving that this was not the act of the one true God but of a pagan deity who has been tyrannizing the people of the Mediterranean for over two millenniums.
This terrorist goes by many names: Poseidon, Earth Shaker, Giver of Horses and Neptune. He has been positively identified as the force behind all of the tornadoes, tsunamis, floods, hurricanes, typhoons and earthquakes. As tyrant of the waters, wind and tectonic plates he is responsible for the flooding of New Orleans through his daughter Katrina, the recent devastation of Japan and now he has turned his aggression to the very heart of America.
Our battle with Neptune is nothing new. We had begun looking into his network over twenty years ago but as long as Neptune wreaked his devastation on third world countries and our poorest regions we gave it no priority. Now he is again targeting us and is even going after our white people.
In secret communiqués to the International Monetary Fund Neptune has threatened to ravage the economies of the major economic powers if his homeland of Greece is not given better rates on their loans. The Peoples Republic of China which has been suffering massive quakes of late claims to have evidence that Neptune solicited his niece Venus to put the love madness on the Managing Director of the IMF in order to depose him.
The United Nations Security Council has remained in session since it became apparent last March that Neptune has turned to nuclear terrorism in attacking Japans Fukushima Daiichi Reactors.
The battle with Neptune will require a coordinated international effort since water, wind and horses are everywhere. Historians contend that the Roman Emperor Caligula’s war against Neptune ended inconclusively due to a lack of such international cooperation. We have better technology and weaponry now but since the United Nations acts only after the slaughter and NATO proved to be useless in Libya I have called for unilateral action by our military to be taken immediately.
After consulting the leading members of both parties of Congress I ordered the Navy to begin bombing the floor of the oceans. Special drone submarines have been deployed to bomb the deepest depths of the seas and under the polar caps. In cooperation with our neighboring allies of Canada and Mexico our armies have surrounded the Great Lakes and the Gulf. Last year’s oil spill is now suspected to be the work of Neptune and his nymphs but we’ll take the BP money anyway. The Coast Guard has closed all harbors and remains on high alert at our coastlines. As we speak the Air Force is patrolling our coastlines and flat states with orders to shoot to kill any tornado or hurricane that comes into sight.
We need the American people to understand that not all of this terrorism can be traced to Ancient Greece and Rome. The Department of Homeland Security in cooperation with the Federal Bureau of Investigation has implicated, located and arrested Old Man River and is currently holding him for questioning.
In response to my critics over my policy regarding torture I say this. Torture is not in alignment with American values and has rarely proven to be effective. I see no advantage to be gained in waterboarding Old Man River since he is made of water and though he has yet to confess he does seem to be rolling along.
Within the next twenty-four hours the Justice Department will issue Emergency Directive Number 441 outlawing the filling of pools, flying of kites and any other activity that might aid and empower the enemy. All equestrian sports including the Belmont Stakes are cancelled since he is known to be the god of horses as well.
This is a full bipartisan effort and commitment to meet the threat posed by the Olympian and his agents and a guarantee from your federal government to deliver the same protection and rescue that we have demonstrated on 9/11, in New Orleans and the Gulf of Mexico.
In conclusion I ask the American people to understand that these actions are not meant as a declaration of war on water, wind and the Earth themselves. Indeed, our bodies are mostly composed of water and the Earth is our home. Our foe is radical Olympian Paganism that seeks to subjugate modern societies to the elements of Nature and the limitations of the planet’s resources. And that is something I promise you the American people will never submit to.
Don Arrup
Satire1
Friday, July 22, 2011
Gimme Swelter
All life on Earth
Is derived from the Sun
Plants eat its shine
And breathe our exhaust
Thus calories are made
Graze
Yesterday was hot
Today was worse
Tomorrow unimaginable
The Sun is reminding us
Who’s boss
Enjoy the heat
Or suffer
Don Arrup
Satire1
Is derived from the Sun
Plants eat its shine
And breathe our exhaust
Thus calories are made
Graze
Yesterday was hot
Today was worse
Tomorrow unimaginable
The Sun is reminding us
Who’s boss
Enjoy the heat
Or suffer
Don Arrup
Satire1
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Deficit Dance
Obama walked out to the middle of the dance floor
Alone
Un-chaperoned
He looks at Speaker Boehner
Then winks at Senator McConnell
Holds his arms open
To air
The music’s playing
Nobody’s dancing
Crowd’s getting nervous
Obama invites them to his house
To do homework
Hang out
And plan the next dance
Then Bo and Co go
To a Tea Party
And don’t ask O along
O says if nobody dances with him
Next new moon
He’s turning the music off
Where is the love?
Soldiers dying
Neighbors crying
Coworkers fired
Is this the best we can do?
McConnell has an idea
Everyone stands on the edge
Of the dance floor
And grooves
Before the ceiling caves in
Don Arrup
Satire1
Alone
Un-chaperoned
He looks at Speaker Boehner
Then winks at Senator McConnell
Holds his arms open
To air
The music’s playing
Nobody’s dancing
Crowd’s getting nervous
Obama invites them to his house
To do homework
Hang out
And plan the next dance
Then Bo and Co go
To a Tea Party
And don’t ask O along
O says if nobody dances with him
Next new moon
He’s turning the music off
Where is the love?
Soldiers dying
Neighbors crying
Coworkers fired
Is this the best we can do?
McConnell has an idea
Everyone stands on the edge
Of the dance floor
And grooves
Before the ceiling caves in
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Summer Vacation Deals 2011
Middle East Revolution Tour
Dodge bullets. Battle helicopter gun ships and be part of history. Luxury suites at world class hotels available at bargain basement prices throughout the upheaval.
European Basket Case Cruise
See Hitler’s job done as Mediterranean countries collapse to German frugality and get a preview of America in 2012 when Republicans cut government services back to the Stone Age.
Mexican Gang War Adventure
Get insider deals to your favorite narcotics while enjoying a reenactment of Roaring Twenties violence on an epic scale. In Spanish with American bullets.
Japanese Disaster Parks
Missed Hiroshima and Nagasaki? See what the real mother did when nature unleashed her fury on the coast of Nippon.
Chinese Pollution Parks
Watch our creditor scramble to put out rivers on fire while wading through air you can pluck with a chopstick.
Epicurean Extinction Excursion
Visit illegal restaurants across the globe serving endangered species. Where the rich play god for real.
Holy Land Sex Slave Trade Holiday
Get your religion and your rocks off too in brothels packed with pretty “masseuses” from the former Soviet Union.
Mid West Tornado Whirl
Be swept up in the amusement park that covers four states. You may not land in Oz but you’ll be in for a hell of a ride.
Mississippi Flood Party Barge
Join Old Man River on a paddlewheel BBQ over whole congressional districts that have since turned to mud parks.
Rustbelt Poorism Pilgrimage
America of tomorrow can be seen today in crumbling cities and towns where corporations have shipped jobs to other solar systems.
Land The Banks Forgot Bleisure Trip
Invest in what’s left of the mess of Florida and Arizona real estate while enjoying sunshine and others desperation.
Bring the whole family. Let them marvel at reality!
Don Arrup
Satire1
Dodge bullets. Battle helicopter gun ships and be part of history. Luxury suites at world class hotels available at bargain basement prices throughout the upheaval.
European Basket Case Cruise
See Hitler’s job done as Mediterranean countries collapse to German frugality and get a preview of America in 2012 when Republicans cut government services back to the Stone Age.
Mexican Gang War Adventure
Get insider deals to your favorite narcotics while enjoying a reenactment of Roaring Twenties violence on an epic scale. In Spanish with American bullets.
Japanese Disaster Parks
Missed Hiroshima and Nagasaki? See what the real mother did when nature unleashed her fury on the coast of Nippon.
Chinese Pollution Parks
Watch our creditor scramble to put out rivers on fire while wading through air you can pluck with a chopstick.
Epicurean Extinction Excursion
Visit illegal restaurants across the globe serving endangered species. Where the rich play god for real.
Holy Land Sex Slave Trade Holiday
Get your religion and your rocks off too in brothels packed with pretty “masseuses” from the former Soviet Union.
Mid West Tornado Whirl
Be swept up in the amusement park that covers four states. You may not land in Oz but you’ll be in for a hell of a ride.
Mississippi Flood Party Barge
Join Old Man River on a paddlewheel BBQ over whole congressional districts that have since turned to mud parks.
Rustbelt Poorism Pilgrimage
America of tomorrow can be seen today in crumbling cities and towns where corporations have shipped jobs to other solar systems.
Land The Banks Forgot Bleisure Trip
Invest in what’s left of the mess of Florida and Arizona real estate while enjoying sunshine and others desperation.
Bring the whole family. Let them marvel at reality!
Don Arrup
Satire1
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Hot Night Blues
Yesterday it was fun being an American
Yesterday I was free
And there were fireworks
We watched them on TV
The grill was hot
The beer was cold
Kids marched around
Sparklers and ka-boom
I was a free American yesterday
Today I’m just an American
And I don’t feel so free
Is it just me?
Or is it most of the country?
I hope it’s just me
Half the country hates the president
The other half hates the one before
That’s nothing new for us
The U.S. doesn’t stand for us
Nobody believes there is an us
In the US
Everybody talks about them
And you have to listen a while
To know which them they mean
Mean
Nothing new for the US or us
Founding Fathers spread rumors
Shot each other
Hated each other to their graves
Only Adams and Jefferson made up
Then died on the same Independence Day
Don Arrup
Satire1
Yesterday I was free
And there were fireworks
We watched them on TV
The grill was hot
The beer was cold
Kids marched around
Sparklers and ka-boom
I was a free American yesterday
Today I’m just an American
And I don’t feel so free
Is it just me?
Or is it most of the country?
I hope it’s just me
Half the country hates the president
The other half hates the one before
That’s nothing new for us
The U.S. doesn’t stand for us
Nobody believes there is an us
In the US
Everybody talks about them
And you have to listen a while
To know which them they mean
Mean
Nothing new for the US or us
Founding Fathers spread rumors
Shot each other
Hated each other to their graves
Only Adams and Jefferson made up
Then died on the same Independence Day
Don Arrup
Satire1
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
