August 2 And A Half

With no deficit ceiling deal in sight Satire1 feels compelled to list the changes that will take place on August 2cd or 3rd when the federal government defaults on its debts.

The U. S. Mint will strike the words and symbols for cent(s) and dollar(s) from coin and paper currency with a stamp embossed with a red question mark. Major retailers have already begun retooling pricing guns and billing printers to reflect the change from the dollar to the question mark.

After Social Security checks fail to arrive your mother and her best friend will move in with you. And they will be in a good mood.

American troops in Afghanistan will defect to the Taliban who still pays in tobacco and poppies.

China will invade and hold Japan in escrow.

Greece, Portugal, Italy and Spain will overrun France and Germany and declare the American Question Mark the only recognized currency in Europe.

Gasoline stations, pharmacies and liquor stores will only accept gold and ammunition for their products.

Credit cards will be replaced by biometric butt cleavage swipes. Your ass will be billed directly.

The United Nations Food for the Affluent Project predicts that those “with no ass at all” will face starvation and hemorrhoids.

Four divisions of the United States Army will seal the southern boarder and prevent illegal immigrants from returning to Mexico.

Hospitals and Community Health Clinics will return to their original functions as mortuaries.

All Air Traffic Controllers will be dismissed. Flight departures and arrivals will improve dramatically.

As restaurants, convenience stores and drive in take out joints close hundreds of millions of Americans will be reduced to cooking their own food.

Schools will open in September without teachers. Educational video games will be played under the supervision of hobos and other professionals from the hard-core homeless population. Test scores in cities will rise to near literate levels.

Leading business schools will follow Harvard’s lead in dropping courses and majors in Finance, Banking and Investment and replacing them with Brothel Management, Narcotics Marketing, Hypnotism and Lobbying.

Satire1 will have a decent post for once.

Don Arrup
Satire1