Obama Declares War on Neptune

President Obama addresses the nation:

My fellow Americans as you are all aware our Midwestern States have been under constant bombardment this season by the elements of wind and water taking the lives of our citizens and causing irreparable damage to homes, communities and even entire towns. This threat to our lives and economy is nothing new but whereas in the past our forefathers shrugged them off as the acts of God new intelligence has been brought to light by the Central Intelligence Agency proving that this was not the act of the one true God but of a pagan deity who has been tyrannizing the people of the Mediterranean for over two millenniums.

This terrorist goes by many names: Poseidon, Earth Shaker, Giver of Horses and Neptune. He has been positively identified as the force behind all of the tornadoes, tsunamis, floods, hurricanes, typhoons and earthquakes. As tyrant of the waters, wind and tectonic plates he is responsible for the flooding of New Orleans through his daughter Katrina, the recent devastation of Japan and now he has turned his aggression to the very heart of America.

Our battle with Neptune is nothing new. We had begun looking into his network over twenty years ago but as long as Neptune wreaked his devastation on third world countries and our poorest regions we gave it no priority. Now he is again targeting us and is even going after our white people.

In secret communiqués to the International Monetary Fund Neptune has threatened to ravage the economies of the major economic powers if his homeland of Greece is not given better rates on their loans. The Peoples Republic of China which has been suffering massive quakes of late claims to have evidence that Neptune solicited his niece Venus to put the love madness on the Managing Director of the IMF in order to depose him.

The United Nations Security Council has remained in session since it became apparent last March that Neptune has turned to nuclear terrorism in attacking Japans Fukushima Daiichi Reactors.

The battle with Neptune will require a coordinated international effort since water, wind and horses are everywhere. Historians contend that the Roman Emperor Caligula’s war against Neptune ended inconclusively due to a lack of such international cooperation. We have better technology and weaponry now but since the United Nations acts only after the slaughter and NATO proved to be useless in Libya I have called for unilateral action by our military to be taken immediately.

After consulting the leading members of both parties of Congress I ordered the Navy to begin bombing the floor of the oceans. Special drone submarines have been deployed to bomb the deepest depths of the seas and under the polar caps. In cooperation with our neighboring allies of Canada and Mexico our armies have surrounded the Great Lakes and the Gulf. Last year’s oil spill is now suspected to be the work of Neptune and his nymphs but we’ll take the BP money anyway. The Coast Guard has closed all harbors and remains on high alert at our coastlines. As we speak the Air Force is patrolling our coastlines and flat states with orders to shoot to kill any tornado or hurricane that comes into sight.

We need the American people to understand that not all of this terrorism can be traced to Ancient Greece and Rome. The Department of Homeland Security in cooperation with the Federal Bureau of Investigation has implicated, located and arrested Old Man River and is currently holding him for questioning.

In response to my critics over my policy regarding torture I say this. Torture is not in alignment with American values and has rarely proven to be effective. I see no advantage to be gained in waterboarding Old Man River since he is made of water and though he has yet to confess he does seem to be rolling along.

Within the next twenty-four hours the Justice Department will issue Emergency Directive Number 441 outlawing the filling of pools, flying of kites and any other activity that might aid and empower the enemy. All equestrian sports including the Belmont Stakes are cancelled since he is known to be the god of horses as well.

This is a full bipartisan effort and commitment to meet the threat posed by the Olympian and his agents and a guarantee from your federal government to deliver the same protection and rescue that we have demonstrated on 9/11, in New Orleans and the Gulf of Mexico.

In conclusion I ask the American people to understand that these actions are not meant as a declaration of war on water, wind and the Earth themselves. Indeed, our bodies are mostly composed of water and the Earth is our home. Our foe is radical Olympian Paganism that seeks to subjugate modern societies to the elements of Nature and the limitations of the planet’s resources. And that is something I promise you the American people will never submit to.

Don Arrup
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