Open Marriage

Fellow Republican Presidential hopefuls responded to the allegations of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich's ex wife that he had proposed an open marriage.

Rick Santorum

"I believe in closed marriages. I never got any except when my wife was ovulating and that includes Christmas and Valentine's Day so I know what it is like to struggle in this country. It is commonly agreed among theologians that sex is portrayed as original sin in the Bible and should be treated as a necessary evil to continue the human race and sell them cars and beer."

"My only open relationship is with God and the fat cats funding my campaign."

Ron Paul

"Excuse me but I don't think candidate's sex life or the sex life of any elected official is anyone's business but their own. If the governor or president isn't having his needs met in office or in his relationship he should be free to contract a blowjob or quickie with a professional so he or she can get on with their lives and job. The Republican Party is supposed to be about getting the government off the backs of the people and out of their pockets and here we are with both hands in Mr. Gingrich's pockets just sort of feeling around to see which of his nuts is bigger."

"Since CNN has decided that it is the Playboy news channel maybe we should just stop all this endless debating and pull up that table you reporters are sitting behind and have each of the candidates just pull it out and let the American people decide who is the bigger man."

Newt Gingrich

"You wouldn't want to do that in the general election, Congressman Paul. President Obama is from Hawaii."

Mitt Romney

"You're all missing the whole point. As the pre-ordained nominee predicted in the Book Of Mormon let me put the American people at ease. I and my six wives have always held ourselves to the strictest interpretation of monogamy. A monogamy not just of the body but of the spirit.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Food Stamp Prez

Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich spoke to Satire1 after calling President Obama "the food stamp president."

"I don't know how in a country that only grows one quarter of the world's food supply and throws away enough food everyday to feed the world people can expect there not to be hunger. Obama wants to feed them while I say that hunger is the primary motivation for people to educate and empower themselves. Hunger is even more powerful than greed. Besides, few of the hungry, especially those of color, will ever vote Republican and with their growing numbers if we want to retain the character of this country the best way is to starve them off the voting rolls."

"Obama is the food stamp president. I want to be starvation president. I won't even have to campaign. I'll let the Democrats do that for me. I'll just visit schools and veteran hospitals and offer pithy proposals for inexpensive programs. When the interviewers ask me if I am heartless I'll say I have as much compassion as any reasonable person until I have to pay my bills."

"My first act as president will be to call on Congress to move elections for federal office up to April just before taxes are due so the American people can weigh how much all this costs. November is as far away from the IRS deadline as you can get. And with all the holiday marketing brainwashing in full swing before you even start to buy things people can be deluded into thinking they care."

"My second act will be to abolish funds for homeless shelters and public housing. If you don't feed people there is no need to house them. The shelters can easily be turned into work camps where habitat challenged individuals who volunteer to rebuild our infrastructure will be provided for. And I'd let the private sector take the public housing and farm out the inhabitants to struggling businesses in need of cheap labor. The corporations who run half our nation's prison systems could do this and return a taxable profit. This way, without creating any new federal agency or entitlement we clear up the housing problem and the need for illegal immigrant labor-with no cost to the taxpayer."

"Look, its just like a cat that meows on your porch. The first time you see him he looks wet and cold and hungry so you toss him a few scraps out of kitchen wastebasket. Next thing you know you're spending half your weekend at PetCo and the vet's."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Romney Claims Firing Workers Creates Jobs

Leading Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney explained today how his love of firing people at companies that his corsair capital firm stole created jobs for Chinese and Mexican workers and helped preserve the financial security of the United States.

"Of course we outsourced every possible position at the companies we acquired. It was our duty to our shareholders and America. Without these jobs China wouldn't have the money to lend us and even more Mexicans would come over the border for work. Most of the people we did retain were cleaning staff and I made a point that they must be illegal immigrants who send at least half their wages back to Mexico."

"If more American companies would step up and do the right thing like we did no one would even think of crossing our borders because they would be leaving the very places where my fellow filthy rich are creating employment."

"President Obama continues to labor under the delusion that Americans want to work. He fails to realize that America is the economic and market laboratory for the world. We create new products and services so that other countries can steal them and sell them back to us at a lower price. This way we rich can get richer and the rest of Americans can still afford the products they used to make."

" And if there is anything that the last decade has taught us it is that the American dream is still alive. Any American, despite their financial situation, can own their own home for a least a couple of months and then get on with their lives. And to all those complainers who come up to me and tell me they can't find a job I tell them my shoes need a shine and I can't get that cheaper on line."

Don Arrup

Satire1

I Owe Ahh...

After a year of Republican Presidential Candidate Debates the people have spoken. The good people of the State of Iowa do not slip into a booth and secretly vote on their choice. The Caucuses are public and the whole idea is to debate and declare. Satire1 interviewed some of the more interesting participants on their views of the process and the candidates.

Farmer Joe (no relation to Joe the Plumber)

"Jesus Christ died on the cross to cut taxes and protect corn subsides and now this Obama fella is threatening to take religion out of farm policy. I'll vote for any white guy who can lick him."

Babs

"Obama's not even an American. He's from Hawaii. The birth certificate says."

Bud

"The Mormon looks like he spends half his waking day in front of the mirror and the other half in front of the camera. And Gingrich's pants don't fit. I'd vote for Ron Paul but he looks too much like my barber. I'm doing Michelle."

Buddy

"I thought they had beer at this thing."

Bo

"The big cities like New York and Des Moine with their big media think they own the country but today real Americans had a voice. I don't like any of them in either party. They're all politicians. They promise you they'll do everything and then they don't do it and when they do do it its even worse."

Bob

"I fought for this country and freedom and corn and I saw up close the terrorists who were trying to take our corn from us. Somebody has to break the gridlock in Washington or the automatic cuts will kick in and the Pentagon will not have enough funds to protect both our freedoms and our corn."

Bobbie

"Obama is trying to make us all marry gay people and that would be fine with me if everybody looked like Sarah Palin or George Clooney but that ain't the case."

Baby

"I voted for Rick Sanitarium. He has everything I look for in a Republican. He ain't Mitt Romney."

Don Arrup

Satire1