Food Stamp Prez

Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich spoke to Satire1 after calling President Obama "the food stamp president."

"I don't know how in a country that only grows one quarter of the world's food supply and throws away enough food everyday to feed the world people can expect there not to be hunger. Obama wants to feed them while I say that hunger is the primary motivation for people to educate and empower themselves. Hunger is even more powerful than greed. Besides, few of the hungry, especially those of color, will ever vote Republican and with their growing numbers if we want to retain the character of this country the best way is to starve them off the voting rolls."

"Obama is the food stamp president. I want to be starvation president. I won't even have to campaign. I'll let the Democrats do that for me. I'll just visit schools and veteran hospitals and offer pithy proposals for inexpensive programs. When the interviewers ask me if I am heartless I'll say I have as much compassion as any reasonable person until I have to pay my bills."

"My first act as president will be to call on Congress to move elections for federal office up to April just before taxes are due so the American people can weigh how much all this costs. November is as far away from the IRS deadline as you can get. And with all the holiday marketing brainwashing in full swing before you even start to buy things people can be deluded into thinking they care."

"My second act will be to abolish funds for homeless shelters and public housing. If you don't feed people there is no need to house them. The shelters can easily be turned into work camps where habitat challenged individuals who volunteer to rebuild our infrastructure will be provided for. And I'd let the private sector take the public housing and farm out the inhabitants to struggling businesses in need of cheap labor. The corporations who run half our nation's prison systems could do this and return a taxable profit. This way, without creating any new federal agency or entitlement we clear up the housing problem and the need for illegal immigrant labor-with no cost to the taxpayer."

"Look, its just like a cat that meows on your porch. The first time you see him he looks wet and cold and hungry so you toss him a few scraps out of kitchen wastebasket. Next thing you know you're spending half your weekend at PetCo and the vet's."

Don Arrup

Satire1