Broccoli

The Supreme Court held two and a half days of hearing arguments last week on whether the Constitution allows Congress to mandate citizens to buy broccoli after twenty six states filed suit stating that it imposed an unnecessary burden on farmers and carnivores.

--It looks like grass, it gives you gas and it tastes like ass.

Justice Roberts

"Whose ass does it taste like?"

--My wife keeps a clean house, your Honor.

Justice Ginsberg

"Doesn't the mandate simply compel citizens to buy broccoli without any enforcement of its ingestion? Isn't the mandate then like ORomaCare which compels people to buy health insurance even though they know it is impossible for anyone with a job or a life to get an appointment with a physician?"

--Many Christian sects in the Mid and South West forbid the ingestion of anything that can't bleed or scream, your Honor. So we are suggesting that not only does Broccoli Buy prove to be an overreaching of the Commerce clause but a violation of the Freedom of Religion.

Justice Ginsberg

"ORamaCare compels even Christian Scientists and Evangelicals who don't believe in insurance to buy it but they are not compelled to use it even if it were possible to see a physician. Young people pay into Social Security and Medicare knowing full well it won't be there for them."

--The  federal government already does a very complete and thorough job of wasting the citizenry's money, your Honor. The twenty six states are satisfied and appreciative that they have been relieved of most of that governmental burden.  

Justice Scalia

"Let's assume for a moment that I or my wife already buys broccoli on the free market. A physician at a party suggested it and since we have been unable to get an appointment at another doctor's golf cart we have eaten broccoli in the belief that it might keep us out of the hospital. And then let's assume that despite eating the mandated vegetable we become ill. What in the law-should we uphold it- is there to protect us from being served broccoli in the hospital where we are compelled under the threat of starvation to eat the bushy green?"

--The law offers you no protection from that caloric tyranny, your Honor. In fact, since the hospital accepted your federal insurance it must comply with the law and buy broccoli just as you were compelled to. No reasonable person could imagine a doctor or a trained nurse eating the broccoli while the rest of the staff is protected from eating greens by their union contract. Someone has to be served the broccoli, your Honor, and if you are at the time the weakest and most vulnerable individual within the jurisdiction of the hospital kitchen I'm afraid it will almost certainly be you."

Justice Scalia

"But I don't like broccoli and it didn't protect me from the cancerous tubercular erectile dysfunction. Now I am bedridden, probably heavily drugged and delirious if only from the boredom and they're pushing a plate of over boiled green mush under my chin."

--This is precisely what the twenty six states fear, your Honor. that the most vulnerable and powerless of our population even though they are exempt from buying it will be served the broccoli that schools, hospitals, military bases and soup kitchens are compelled by law to purchase. The poor who are barely surviving in Golden Arch deserts where no McDonald's franchise is established will be left with nothing to eat but fresh fruit, vegetables and whole grains. We fear that our emergency rooms will be overwhelmed with poor and working class citizens suffering from diseases linked to thinicity which before was unique to the affluent. We are tired of the Surgeon General telling this population that their grandmothers were murdering them and that Aretha Franklin is unattractive. 

Justice Kennedy

"The question before this court is given that the federal government's reach up our rectums has expanded as the long arm of the law thickens above its elbow does the Congress now also have the power to reach down our throats by deciding what we should eat?"

--Both major political parties have been feeding us nothing but shit for the last fifty years but the electorate is not compelled to swallow it, you Honor, as is shown in our low voter turn out. The government's argument that broccoli holds a unique position in our economy and lifestyle since it is the only green vegetable that doesn't go bad before you can get it into your refrigerator is a false argument. People buy green vegetables not to eat but to relieve their conscience as they stack up their grocery carts with the infinite variety of denatured chemical crap. Compelling citizens to buy any vegetable which can survive in the refrigerator will only make them feel guilty for enjoying their meals. 

Justice Sotomayor

"But isn't it the role of government to make the citizenry feel guilty for enjoying anything they bought with wages they managed to salvage from taxation? Money is not only speech it is a narcotic. We buy ever bigger television screens even though there is nothing worth watching. Bigger cars though there is no place to go and bigger homes which we have no time to stay in."

--The twenty six states agree that the Constitution only promotes the pursuit of happiness in theory, your Honor, and upholds the criminalization of any pursuit that actually offers pleasure like beating your children or ingesting non prescription drugs. But we are proposing that Broccoli Buy imposes an unnecessary burden not only on individuals and institutions but on the entire food and beverage industry which has labored for decades to addict us to salt, sugar and fat saturated crap. For the federal government to now after years of subsidizing genetically altered corn and heavily drugged cattle to reverse course and steer the populace by mandate towards healthy and natural foods is not only hypocritical but dangerous to the economy and food supply.

Don Arrup

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