New Poll

Voters polled in over fifty states by a wide margin claimed that they would vote for any candidate that would just shut up and pull their commercials.

Frustrated to enraged over spots interrupting their favorite escapist shows and sports programs, voters said that the endless campaigning and negativity of politicians is trying to pull their heads out of the sand.

"I watch reality shows because there is not even a residue of reality in them. I don't think they are even human beings. The commercial breaks are supposed to be touched up models and then this clown comes on the screen saying he is just like me and the problem is he's right."

"The starving children and tsunami victims only get their spots on late night TV when I'm just facing the screen. But this intrusion into prime time when I'm still conscious with the state of the nation and world is a violation. If I wanted to know what's going on or who's responsible I'd watch the news."

"The message is always the same. The world is on fire, the economy's collapsed, morals corrupted, liberty stolen, future gone and this is the greatest country in the world."

"Why why why do candidates put their faces on TV? Where did they get this from- Frank Perdue? Okay, the presidential candidates look like a game show host and a basketball coach but these mugs running for Congress look like the people at the bus stop who never take the bus."

"I hate them all. And the more I see them and the more I know about them the more I hate them."

"I'll happily vote for anyone I've never heard of."

This is the first major poll conducted by YBS/Herald/Record to survey in the seven secret states that usually decide national elections.

Don Arrup

Satire1

Wealthy Hop Victim Bandwagon

As Candidate Romney zig zags the nation with his zig zag explanation of a speech he gave at a $50,000 a plate fundraising dinner in Boca Rotan many of their fellow billionaires across the nation feel outraged that Romney omitted their victimization.

"I paid a hundred and fifty grand to sit in a monkey suit between my wife and her sister while trying to saw a rubber chicken and listen to a game show host tell us what we already know. The cake was drier than a slob's sponge and the coffee tasted like petroleum. Now, I don't know what your idea of a victim is but let me suggest that there is no sucker worse than a rich sucker."

"I didn't care about the "donation." I just wanted him to get up there and swear he wasn't Obama. And he didn't do that."

"I made my fortune and bought my state and now I'm paying top dollar for legislators who wouldn't even make good party clowns."

"The unemployed are free from income tax. The homeless don't pay property tax. What are these people complaining about?"

Don Arrup

Satire1

Say It Ain't So, Mo

The riots in Libya and Egypt over trailers of the video Innocence of Muslims that have rocked the Middle East and cost American lives have been found to be over the low budget quality of the video rather than the portrayal of the big Mo as gay, perverse and murderous.

"If you are going to insult the entire Muslim world put some money into it. The black screen desert looks like I Dream of Jeanni without Barbra Eden."

"If Tom Hanks played the Prophet Muslims would be out of the streets and packed into the movie houses to see this. Why couldn't they at least get a washed up TV star like one of the two guys from Friends who never works anymore?"

"I haven't seen the trailer. I just like to kill Americans and I'm not spending my vacation in Afghanistan."

"I haven't seen the trailer either but I was just really missing the chaos and violence of the uprising."

"Here in Cairo, if the Israelis or Americans don't throw us a bone once in a while the people calm down and the Muslim Brotherhood and army strangle us in our sleep."

"If the movie praised Allah and portrayed the prophet Mohammed in the most glorious light it would be much worse. The production values were worse than shit. Shit would have to shit to make this shit."

"I lived in New York America for two years when I was attending Columbia University Ivy League and I can tell you-somebody made this on their daughter's credit card. Some angry unattractive man with an exceptionally small penis who aspires to great power and influence bought the costumes at a Halloween store."

"They are Halloween store Jewish costumes of Moses, Mary and Joseph. Muslims who saw the trailer suspected it immediately and looked them up on the internet. Historical inauthenticity in movies will not be tolerated."

"Hitler Nazi was right. Hollywood is the propaganda machine of the International Brotherhood of Zion and these sub-Indy production values oppress and enslave Muslims in a  unglamorous light."

"Nobody cares about that YouTube crap. This is about the major networks not picking up any sitcoms about American Muslims for the Fall lineup again."

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Jayne Mansfield 9/11

Her skin was celluloid golden

Lips an almost disembodied red

Hair a blinding silver

Big white bosoms

Beautiful throat

Nobody notices that

She helps us forget

The two jumbo jets

Busting out of her blouse

Taking down buildings

The Twin Phalluses 

Of capitalism

Or was Manhattan her body

And Jayne supine

Staring at the sky we thought ours

And the planes phallic

Frustrated last hard ons

Of oppressive patriarchy

Jayne and Marilyn

We prefer them dead

Auto decapitated

Slumbering into suicide

Un-aging

Two dimensional

Silent

Long as Jayne kept her head

And after

We sucked her tits

And called them America

We sucked the biggest tits in the world

For two generations

Now they won't even show us the nipple

The tenth anniversary of 9/11 was it

We've moved on

Or slid backwards

Or fell down

The rabbit hole of patriotism

The evil beard we blamed

Is finally dead

Now we're free to hate each other

Again

Don Arrup

Saitre1

Obamamercial

Greetings from sunny Charlotte, NC. No Tea Party storm to cancel our first indoctrinercial so sit back and listen to governors of states you've never heard off, mayors of urban nightmares and losers from past elections    explain how everything is the Republicans fault and Obama's prophecy of hope and change is only beginning to manifest.

This prime time line up includes:

Mystery!

Just ask yourself after any speech just what the hell were they talking about?

Romance!

Hear Michelle Obama describe the man we elected four years ago and know ever less about.

Comedy!

Joe Biden's speech.

Suspense!

When will Joe Biden screw up?

Sex!

Bill Clinton explaining why everyone should sleep with Democrats.

Inspiration!

Obama once again explaining how in life only facts get in the way.

Don Arrup

Satire1

White Men's Party

The National White Men's Party wrapped up its convention in Tampax, Florida after nominating Utah Mitt and Saint Paul for CEO and CFO of the Incorporated States of America. Addressing entrepreneurs across the country about the dangers of health care and taxes, the NWM paraded their wives and mistresses across the stage to prove that the rumors that they were misogynists were greatly exaggerated. 

The theme of the convention was We Did It Ourselves featuring dozens of small business owners who swore that they never used United States currency or the highways and were completely independent of government control. 

"I own a gun shop in Wyoming and I will not hire any communist who has attended a public school where they only teach atheism, unionism and equality. I home school my children in the science of mythology and gun ownership. And I will sell a gun to anyone who has either the corn, oil or gold to buy one."

"I've been forced to hire over a thousand illegal immigrants on my Idaho farms each harvest because the Hawaiian Administration won't protect our borders. Otherwise, these people would continue to hang out along the town road urinating in the corn fields. I don't know who invites them here."

"The reason the economy almost collapsed was because of government regulation and interference. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are the Bonnie and Clyde of home lenders and the hundreds of billions made by the banks is small recompense for the anxiety and confusion they experienced."

"When are we going to get a conservative Supreme Court? Scalia and Thomas are just a couple of old hippies who couldn't keep Roberts from falling in with the coven appointed by the Socialists."

"Preventative care is un-American. If people would show a little self respect they wouldn't be tying up the emergency rooms but would wait just a little longer and go straight to the morgue."

"They wouldn't let Ron Paul address the convention because he refused to wear make up."

"I like the swirling blue matrix in the background. If you stare at it long enough you can almost see Ronald Reagan."

Next Week:

Full coverage of the Exploited Victims Infanticide Party in Harlot, NC!

Don Arrup

Satire1

The Empty Chair

Mitt Romney should have dropped the platitude laden empty speech and just come forward and sat in the empty chair that Clint Eastwood addressed. Then Clint could have dropped the schizoid ventriloquist routine and simply asked Romney what he planned to do about the problems the country is facing.

Perhaps Romney would have also told Clint to go fuck himself.

Certainly that has been the message we have gotten from both parties the last four years. We're pandering to our base. To hell with what is good for the country. Republicans sell supply side snake oil and Democrats pretend something like the grotesquely underfunded entitlement programs can remain in tact.

Clint Eastwood has already given us our leader, the people's choice, the empty chair.

With polls showing 70% of the American voters wishing they had some other choice it remains unlikely that Jesus Christ or George Washington will throw their hats in the ring. 

Politicians pretend to be able to do anything the voters demand of them. They are department store Santa Clauses who listen and nod. I'll get rid of the twelve million illegal immigrants. Balance the budget without raising taxes. Protect Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, food stamps and unlimited unemployment benefits without turning us into Greece. Washington is the North Pole. The store is closed.

On this Labor Day weekend, as state governments dismantle worker rights and union members shop at Walmart and other facades of Chinese infiltration, let us reflect on the Fall. Not the season but the course our divided nation has chosen. For when the music of our vicious, uncompromising self righteousness ends what will everyone be looking for?

Don Arrup

Satire1