Halloween Network Programing 12

FOX

8pm

Count Barrack descends in April to bite your wallet and drain your assets.

10pm

Revenge of the Forty Seven Percent citizens who never even bothered to flush the toilet vote.

Midnight

Shadow of the Polygamist Mormon pol exposed as having multiple positions on key issues.

2am

Sandy Versus FEMA federal agency actually manages an emergency.

MSNBC

8pm

Embassy Security You might survive terrorists and spies but not the State Department bureaucracy.

10pm

The Thing With No Job Who will it blame? Who will it vote for?

Midnight

Poor People Legend of a people who were never middle class portrayed in bone chilling realism.

2am

The Empty Chair Eastwood directed documentary on the first Presidential Debate.

Don Arrup

Satire1 

Happy Halloween

Dead Vote

Since an increasing number of states have legislated to empower poll workers to disenfranchise voters for having names or skin the federal government fearing too low a turnout would threaten its legitimacy has lifted the ban on the dead and fictional voting in the upcoming presidential election. 

Satire1 in its never ending quest to bring you the low down on the low down has been going to graveyards, libraries and comics shops to poll the new likely voters.

Mickey Mouse

"I voted for Barrack Obama last time because I know how hard it is to be taken seriously when you're black and have big ears but the price of cheese both imported and domestic has risen faster than the rate of inflation throughout his presidency so I'm giving Romney a second look."

Sam Adams

"Romney is against tyrannous taxation but he doesn't drink beer."

Pocahontas

"Romney thinks I'm a Jew and Obama thinks I'm a cartoon."

Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow

"I do whatever the radio tells me."

Abraham Lincoln

"I don't know why we dead were disenfranchised in the first place. Half the living citizens don't vote."

Elvis

"Chuck Berry for president."

Moe Horowitz (of Larry, Moe and Curly)

"Not two Irish guys again."

Wizard of Oz

"We have to invest more in wind or soon we won't have any."

Paul Bunyan 

"I log companies for Bain Capital."

Bigfoot

"I only care about abortion."

John Wayne

"They're registering people who live in nursing homes. Ever been to one? Everyone moons around all day and takes drugs. Bunch of hippies."

Super Man

"I'm from Krypton so I've no problem with Obama's nationality but how does Romney conceal his identity without a mask?"

Rip Van Winkle

"Every time I wake up the country's in crisis."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Debate Report Card

DEBATE REPORT CARD

Punctuality:

Mitt always comes prepared and on time to debate but some of his ideas and statistics are from the Reagan Era. 

Barack was only physically present for the first debate and was continuously trying to sell the New Deal as something new.

Follows Debate Rules:

Mitt often acted like he was the sole speaker during the first debate but to be fair he pretty much was. Could have shown more effort in the third debate.

Barrack seemed overly aggressive and condescending in the third debate but I attribute this to his hanging out with the older Biden boy.

Answers Questions Asked:

Mitt and Barrack both acted like high school ego maniacs on a date. They ignored the moderators and crowed their accomplishments pausing only to put each other down.

Stated Positions Clearly:

If they just made elephant and donkey sounds it would have been clearer.

Offered Relevant Examples:

Both ignored the subjects to be discussed and timed their scripted sob stories and uplifting anecdotes with the precision of commercial breaks. All the stories sucked.

Willing To Be Specific:

Both offered the shadow of platitudes done in sign language in the back of a cave. Then barked stump speech soundbites for punctuation.

Served The American People:

It's always fun to watch rich and powerful men sweat.

Grade:

Don Arrup

Satire1

Debate 2012

1st Presidential Debate- Disemboweled- Winnie Poo'd vs Eeyore

Body language and facial expressions don't lie. Governor Romney having arrived a day early in mile high town had accustomed his colon to the stratospheric height and had just moved his bowels in triumphant fashion before the last touches on his makeup. 

President Obama having just dragged his large intestine across the skies stood in constipated tension. 

Romney having just let go of all his primary promises to Mad Hatters in one squat was nimble and loose with the facts. Obama trudged around the recession gorilla in the room.

Winner: Romney

Loser: The American People

Moderator: None

Vice Presidential Debate-Date with a sailor- Stat Man vs The Joker

Chaperone Martha Raddatz kept the boys hands on the table as they squabbled over who was the biggest liar like a sorority house mother trying to pick up the pieces of a disastrous date on Sunday morning. 

Vice President Biden was smiling like his Viagra had just kicked back in and was as intrusive as drunken sailor. Representative Ryan looked like it still hurt.

Winner: Marti Raddish

Loser: The American People

2cd Presidential Debate- Town Hall Brawl- The Mormon Mauler vs The Hawaiian Hope

Both Mauler and Hope reopened old wounds on their opponent with facts and jabs but threw only the widest roundhouses and feints at China, Iran and the economy.

Winner:

Loser:

Don Arrup

Satire1 

The No Committee

As the Democrats and Republicans come dangerously close to a compromise on a long term budget and simplified tax code, President Obama has appointed a commission of six leaders from each party to find a way to filibuster or tie up in subcommittee the new legislation. With the country on the brink of decision a bipartisan effort is being mounted in the midnight hour to save the country from itself.

Many legislators spoke off the record: 

"We've stabilized the economy with only a quarter of the population in real poverty. Most Americans are sinking very slowly in the new unregulated globalization. Any change could disrupt the flow to the top."

"I'm a Libertarian so I don't think the government should interfere with taxes. Corruption is the only fair and equitable taxation so I say let's give corruption a try. Most people will hardly notice the difference- if there is one."

"The federal government is just too big a machine to fix while it's malfunctioning. We need a complete shutdown if we are to do any meaningful repairs. And for long term repairs we'll need to shut it down for a year. Our armed forces can just pillage wherever they are overseas and air travel will be dangerous but schools and water are local concerns so who cares?"

"I buy gold and sell ammunition so a compromise would be disastrous for my business. Want and fear are the keys to secure prosperity."

"Six leaders from both parties? You need more people if you want nothing done."

Don Arrup

Satire1

O And Ro

In the first secret presidential debate held in Boca Raton, Florida for the one percent last Saturday, both multimillionaire Obama and billionaire Romney pledged do everything necessary to keep the international financial casino open to counterweight the threat of China's real growth. 

President Obama assured the owners of the country that the American victims know they've been robbed and if they don't cool the wholesale theft down a notch and hand over enough stooges for prosecution there will be a revolt. 

Governor Romney claimed that if they blamed it all on the government they could continue to harvest the rest of the country's wealth until they reached the natural and righteous balance of owning 99% while leaving the victims the tax free remainder. As long as we keep some form of death care and social immunity the sheep will graze.

Bah, replied Obama, even sheep smell a wolf. The jig is on, he added, push it and the jig will be up.

Romney disagreed. I have the smile and the hair. That is all the victims believe in anymore. I'll appoint Ryan to do all the dirty work while I sympathize with the victims- the American victims. I'll blame the black guy for all their woes. It wasn't his fault. He did his best. There just wasn't ever enough that he could steal to meet all your needs. 

Obama opined: Send the rich white weirder church than mine guy down in flames and the downtrodden will dance in the streets. Then I can continue to send rehashed Republican legislation from the 90's down for your Mad Hatters to filibuster.

The victims don't expect the government to help them, Romney argued. Only the illiterate super victims who the government maintained to scare the rest into line believed that. It is time for the charade to end and begin the harvest in earnest.

American victims are resourceful and used to the illusion of having some say in their lives, Obama countered. They can only be pushed so far down the toilet before they feel flushed. Then Occupy Wall Street will turn into an American Spring.

The victims will turn on the minorities like they always do in hard times, Romney said. They have plenty of Muslims, Asians and people of color to satiate their thirst for vengeance.

Do you really want to steal the rest of the country with a white guy in the Oval Office, Obama asked. If you really want to finish the harvest in the next four years I'm the perfect dupe. I'm black, supposedly Muslim, African and there are still working class conservatives who think I'm a liberal.

The moderator Secret G thanked the puppets for their time and reminded the owners that they will have to decide before the faux public debates began in order to manipulate the polls in line with their choice.

Don Arrup

Satire1