Pope Pops Off

When the Bishop of Rome Benedict announced his retirement Monday Satire 1 got on the job and interviewed leading religious figures from around the world and through the ages on what they thought of the infallible patriarch of over a billion Catholics stepping down.

Virgin Mary

"I'd like to retire my virginity. I've been a mother for over two thousand years and it's all work and no play if you aren't getting laid. My oldest boy, Jesus, is going through a mid-eternity crisis and now his lawyer on Earth resigns."

Zeus

"Hey, barbarians, civil war, bankers, everything got in the way of my worship. Soon as my flock got powerful they stopped needing me. Still, losing the high priest has got to hurt."

Satan

I'd like to retire. I'm still on the job only there is almost no job left for me. Greed and hate have won. These last two generations were just too easy. I don't even want their souls. Nobody does. Of course the Pope retired. Surrendered would be more like it.

Holy Ghost

"I got benched for what? A dove? Holy Spirit? Whatever. But I've been keeping in shape and up with the times. I'm planning a comeback. Old Bennie could have put me back in the game but he blows off leaving me on the bench and he grew up with me. You know how many prayers he CC'd to me? If his replacement puts me puts me back in Bennie better not pray to me because he does not want me thinking about him. "

Billy Graham

"I got too old too but my son had been taking over the mission for years so it wasn't even a decision. But the Pope doesn't have his own children so the gang of red huddle and hole up until they can pick their new boss. Too much wine, cigars and piety in one chapel if you ask me. And you know that they're college boys."

Dalai Lama

"Actually, I'm only semi-retired. I'm still the spiritual leader but I gave up on running a country that ain't coming back."

Moses

"Try wandering the desert for your last forty years and then talk to me about retirement."

Mother Teresa

"Retirement? I'd kill for a vacation."

Don Arrup

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