Ronald McDonald RIP

McDonald's Corporation owner and CEO Ronald McDonald died today after falling into the world's largest meat grinder at his original plant in San Bernardino, California. For over fifty years McDonald steered his franchise corporation from a one burger roadside shack to the world's largest fat food purveyor.

With his meat red hair, yellow overalls worn over a red and white striped union suit and impossibly endowed dogs, the Hamburger Happy Clown is the most recognizable public figure in the world, second to only Santa Claus. Not satisfied with decimating the health of North Americans McDonald morphed his image to fool countries around the world that he was a native calling himself McThai in Thailand and Donald McDonald in the letter R deprived Japan. 

As founder and President of the country's leading higher education institution, Hamburger University (est. 1961), McDonald has trained the core managerial class in the United States where it is estimated that one in eight of the nation's workers had slaved at one point in their careers under the Golden Arches. 

News of his death does not mean that the familiar figure will necessarily disappear from sight. The Federal Trade Commission and FBI have issued warnings of impostors posing as McDonald. Anyone seeing or being confronted by an excessively powdered red headed mug with widely missed lipstick gang banging with ambulatory fast food items should contact the authorities immediately.

In the event the victim is without oxygen or cell phone the Federal Bureau of Investigation asks able bodied citizens to confront the impostors and tell them:

Hey buddy, the clown is dead.

Don Arrup

Satire1