After upholding most of the Unaffordable Health Care Act the Supreme Court issued a far more important and sweeping verdict that the marriage between any two individuals is unconstitutional and in violation of the guarantees of liberty and due process under the law.
In a six to three decision justices sided with the State of Delaware that only corporations had the right to marry and that churches and Justices of the Peace have been soaking the public offering illegal legitimacy to sexual relationships making us a country of "pimps and whoes."
The National Association of Divorce Lawyers whose services will no longer be required had argued for the institution of marriage and promised to find another case to protect the institution of divorce.
"The verdict is inconclusive regarding divorce. Over half of married couples chose divorce proving it is the more popular and necessary institution. The Court's ruling today denying states the power to recognize matrimony as a legal relationship does not necessarily mean that the states can not recognize divorce."
"Basically, if you were married this morning before the verdict was released you are now shacked up. The ruling doesn't prohibit you referring to yourself as married. The right to lie was upheld in a First Amendment Case verdict today protecting the right of scumbags to claim they were war heroes."
Lobbyists for caterers, florists, dressmakers, magazine vendors and Karaoke machine manufactures vowed to find another case to bring to the high bench.
Justice Scalia uncharacteristically explained his voting with the majority before getting into his sedan. "I married my whoe even though I knew it was wrong. I thought the issue of gay marriage would expose matrimony for what it was and force us to strike it down. I did it because my whoe wanted it. She needed and still needs the lie. I always knew I was wrong, my parents were wrong and their parents. Marriage is not only unconstitutional it is un-American."
The Federal Bureau of Investigation is charged with disarming Justices of the Peace, clergy, Elvis imitators and boat captains who work the various now illegal "hitch houses."
Justice Kagan, the only justice on today's court to have never been entrapped, commented:
"It's all been just one multigenerational romantic Ponzi scheme. Basically a couple of copulators get together and copulate themselves a commune composed of the fruits of their degeneracy and then lord over them for a couple of decades and then send them out to expand the commune. Family is just the Madison Avenue Disney Sunday school name for communism."
Justice Sotomayor, who divorced in 1983 and voted with the majority, said:
"Though I knew at the time that my marriage couldn't possibly be legal it was the only way to obtain a divorce which had always been my ambition. Though this ruling does not necessarily protect divorce it opens the possibility for citizens to obtain a legal divorce protected by the courts without all the messy emotional and financial entanglements of marriage."
Justice Kennedy weighed in:
"It has been a supreme injustice that the rewards of divorce have been denied to citizens simply because they had the sense and the decency to avoid marriage. Religious institutions which depend on familial enslavement to populate their constituencies can recognize any relationship they want and call them whatever they wish but soon we hope to have a case that will force them and everyone to recognize divorce."
A spokesperson for Michelle Obama said that since the institution of the First Lady has become associated with being a spouse of the executive that she be referred to as Top Moll from now on. Former spouses of Governors and Mayors are considering Big Squeeze, Head Hancho, Stud Bud and Puddins as their new titles.
Don Arrup
Satire1
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