Sequestration

As the nation stumbles to within hours of the fiscal cliff un-poised to absorb the nuclear option about to blow up in our face Satire1 has spoken to all the federal, state and municipal departments who face the draconian cuts and asks them what the consequences will be.

A partial list of the expected results from Washington's inability to raise their maturity to the level of three year olds follows:

U.S Forces in Afghanistan will surrender and hand over their weapons to the Taliban.

The State of Arizona will be converted into a Hispanic theme park called Gringo Land.

Israel will have to pay its own bills

Egypt won't be able to pay any

Washington politicians will have to find real jobs

MSNBC will become the Menopause channel

FOX will become the Viagra channel

The Moon will be laid off by NASA and spin off to join other moons to revolve with

National and local weather forecasts will decline from 5% accuracy to zero

Lines at airports will go from all day to all week long

High School Condom Awareness Dances will no longer be funded

Prisons, asylums and fraternity houses will be emptied into your neighborhood

College students will be reduced to reading books

National Parks will become overrun with wildlife and vegetation to the point of almost resembling nature.

Interstate highways and bridges will finish crumbling

Programs for the disabled will be disabled

Endangered species will be on their own

Abortion, Big Oil, Big Corn and Bank subsidies will not be touched

Don Arrup

Satire1

Club Med Olympics

The International Olympic Committee dropped its pants when it dropped wrestling from the 2020 Games. It was one of the few sports that actually evolved from the original Greek games over two millenniums ago, is the sixth most popular collegiate sport ahead of swimming and tennis and is second most universal sport with 177 countries participating with weight classes for both men and women. 

Why did they drop wrestling? It doesn't get the ratings and the Olympics has been nothing more than an unreality show for decades. Beach volleyball is to volleyball what mud wrestling is to wrestling. So why don't they just add mud wrestling? That's done in bikinis too.

And god forbid they drop pingpong, trampoline or badminton. They've brought back golf so all you need now is shuffleboard and bridge and you can hold your own Olympics every time you go on vacation. 

I won't pick on synchronized swimming since I actually like Esther Williams musicals but if we're going to make the performing arts sports why not Olympic poetry slams, polka dancing and world idol singing?

Television didn't take over the Olympics; television owns the Olympics and if any sport no matter how storied and noble isn't selling the useless crap we impoverish ourselves devouring it is ripe for the chopping block. Why doesn't the IOC just cut to the chase and make sex an Olympic Sport with freestyle copulation, mixed doubles and no hands, no hips head giving events? And if that doesn't work why don't we forget the Ancient Greek model altogether and just do the Roman Games with beheadings, lion feedings and whatever other torture and murder looks good on the small screen?

Don Arrup

Satire1

Hagel Haggle

Was for it before against

Know war

Been there before

Not up for Secretary of Defense

Of Israel

Voted for war not the surge

When war isn't working 

Don't ask for more

Was an enlisted man

Ate out of a can

Smoked cigs not cigars

Marched while officers

Rode in cars

Whore house I banged

Didn't even have a bar

From boot on the ground

To top Washington clown

You got to pull your pants down

To get through one round

Better I take the flak

Than have another Iraq

Iran's in our sights

And we refuse to yak?

Count your votes

And your dollars

Point fingers

And holler

Accuse and decry

Pull down the Capital sky

But when the bullets fly

The body bag stops here

Don Arrup

Satire1

Pope Pops Off

When the Bishop of Rome Benedict announced his retirement Monday Satire 1 got on the job and interviewed leading religious figures from around the world and through the ages on what they thought of the infallible patriarch of over a billion Catholics stepping down.

Virgin Mary

"I'd like to retire my virginity. I've been a mother for over two thousand years and it's all work and no play if you aren't getting laid. My oldest boy, Jesus, is going through a mid-eternity crisis and now his lawyer on Earth resigns."

Zeus

"Hey, barbarians, civil war, bankers, everything got in the way of my worship. Soon as my flock got powerful they stopped needing me. Still, losing the high priest has got to hurt."

Satan

I'd like to retire. I'm still on the job only there is almost no job left for me. Greed and hate have won. These last two generations were just too easy. I don't even want their souls. Nobody does. Of course the Pope retired. Surrendered would be more like it.

Holy Ghost

"I got benched for what? A dove? Holy Spirit? Whatever. But I've been keeping in shape and up with the times. I'm planning a comeback. Old Bennie could have put me back in the game but he blows off leaving me on the bench and he grew up with me. You know how many prayers he CC'd to me? If his replacement puts me puts me back in Bennie better not pray to me because he does not want me thinking about him. "

Billy Graham

"I got too old too but my son had been taking over the mission for years so it wasn't even a decision. But the Pope doesn't have his own children so the gang of red huddle and hole up until they can pick their new boss. Too much wine, cigars and piety in one chapel if you ask me. And you know that they're college boys."

Dalai Lama

"Actually, I'm only semi-retired. I'm still the spiritual leader but I gave up on running a country that ain't coming back."

Moses

"Try wandering the desert for your last forty years and then talk to me about retirement."

Mother Teresa

"Retirement? I'd kill for a vacation."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Congress Moves To Ban Assault Rifle Sales To Gay Boy Scouts

President Obama has indicated that he will sign legislation now moving through the House and Senate Conference Committee banning the sale of assault rifles to gay boy scouts. Though the proposed law enjoys wide bipartisan support in both chambers sticking points remain that could derail the legislation.

As usual many legislators spoke off the record.

"We used to call the Senior Patrol Leader of our troop Caligula. I don't know what he did with his sister but you didn't want to share a tent with him." 

"Our troop usually ended our camp nights with a practice not mentioned in the handbook we called "lend a helping hand to the right" as we sat around the camp fire. I wouldn't want anyone's left hand on an assault rifle while we were doing this."

"But the Boy Scouts were started by the YMCA in New York right before they formed the Village People."

"Our Scoutmaster told us if the boy is in your troop it wasn't homosexual. And we all had rifles."

"Oh, come on, everybody knew what Cub Scouts were for."

"Boys just aren't interested in the Girl Scouts cookies at that age and nobody would tell you how you could earn an Explorer badge."

"If we just gave boys enough firepower before they reach puberty none of them would be gay."

Don Arrup

Satire1

Firestorm

In light of the over 200 deaths in a Brazil Nightclub last weekend President Obama has called for a bi-partisan Congressional Commission to look into the causes of the massacre and how it could be prevented here.

Conservative columnists quickly assigned blame to the deadly choice of music played at the nightclub siting near forty years of Lawrence Welk concerts without a single reported death. 

While Evangelical columnists blamed the heavy consumption of alcoholic beverages which literally turned the average dancer into a human torch. Still, other Christian columnists believe that the lewd dancing created an un-natural somatic heat close to the dancers solar plexus which any spark or unclean thought could have ignited. Calls to ban all dancing outside of waltzes and polkas are being promoted on Christian radio.

Liberals have taken a different track suggesting that fireworks in an enclosed space may have been the culprit and call for legislation to ban all products that were invented in China. "You don't need anything more than a sparkler on July Fourth to celebrate what's left of this country," President Obama suggested from the White House Boom Boom Room Saturday night after hearing the reports. "Of course, doing without paper and noodles will require some sacrifice by the American people but if it means our children are safer I'm sure they'll make that choice."

Some speculated that the problem was that they actually let people into the nightclub. "Here in New York nobody wants to go to a nightclub that lets people in so none of the clubs let anyone in. The owners hold small private parties in huge meat packing plants whose only draw is that hundreds are stranded outside the velvet ropes where they are ignored by 300 pound ex-cons with their arms folded at the door."

"The only real danger we face as a nation is under reacting."

Don Arrup

Satire1